Am I being selfish? Too old?

Question

I am going to be 39 in October. I want a baby so much. I gave birth to a stillborn daughter in April. I have to conceive again in the next 5 months to have a baby before I turn 40. Is it selfish to want a baby at my age? I miscarried twins in '02, and have no other children of my own, and a stepson who is 11. Having a baby at such an age has risks, plus most women my age have teenagers, and even some are gramma's. I would be almost 60 when my child graduates from high school. But still deep down on the inside of me, I feel like I am missing so much. I feel empty. My husband says he just wants me to be happy and to have my dream. But will I be cheating my child by having a child at my age?

Answer 1

I am sorry for your losses.

I don't think you're too old or selfish.

I am 52 and my wife is 44. She has a son from her first marriage but always wanted more children. I have grown children from my first marriage but wanted children with her. I had to have my vasectomy reversed to try. It took time to save up for that and do it. (I actually had it done twice.)

My wife got pregnant in 2004 (at age 41) and our twin boys were born in 2005. They were preemies--9 weeks early. My wife had preeclampsia, but she had high blood pressure before the pregnancy. Everyone is fine now and we are very happy to have "the boyz."

Before the pregnancy, I had aches and pains and was feeling my age. The minute I found out my wife was pregnant, everything changed. I thought, 50 isn't so old! I feel great and really believe the boys are keeping me young.

It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page. I say, "Go for it!"

Answer 2

First off, I am sorry for all of the pain you have gone through...i'm 23 and my mom had me at 33. That was considered old, back in the 80's but during these days it is not uncommon for women in their 40's to have children (i.e. julia roberts!)...I love my parents more than anything and I have turned into a healthy well-adjusted adult (on most days). I would say that your child would still develop normally even w/ older parents--just make sure you and your husband maintain your health and your activity levels...

Also, be aware that you being over 35 does put your child at greater risk of having birth defects...however, that is NOT absolute---many older women have perfectly healthy babies even in their 40's.

Maybe you hear this a lot, but perhaps adopting a baby would be a good alternative if another couple tries at pregnancy don't work. I can definitely understand the desire to have something that you made...but maybe consider it, and try to talk to others who have made the decision.

Best wishes, and to simply answer your questions: NO you are not selfish, and NO you are not too old. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Are you trying to make excuses not to have more children or are you just feeling defeated?

First of all, I do not think it is selfish at all to want to have a baby at your age. Don't let people beat you up about it. My grandmother had a baby at 52 and he was well into mid-20s before she became ill (she was struck by lightening and died of complications caused by it a year later). My great-grandmother had my grandmother at 48. She went on to live to 82. If she stopped at 39, I sure wouldn't be here.

Consider asking your doctor about aspirin therapy. It's been shown to cut down on miscarriages in older women (81 mg.). Twins simply have a higher rate of miscarriage no matter what you do, and I'm really sorry for all your losses. That's very painful.

Oh, and I should add that there does seem to be a tendency for Moms who have children late in life to actually live longer. My take on this is that they are getting a lot more exercise than other women their age chasing after a toddler. I know there is a study going on regarding that at several Universities.

Finally, be aware, as wonderfully kind and supportive as the posters above have been, society in general frowns on women over 40 having children. Don't assume that you will get supportive comments from anybody except medical personnel. It's not fair or reasonable, but that's very common.

Answer 4

You'll only cheat a child if you don't take care of its mother or if you're abusive. All our children were born after I turned 35. The average age of a women having her first baby is now 29. The numbers of older moms has never been higher...or more successful.

Our kids are healthy, happy, and brilliant. ((((-:

Take a look at this site and go visit some of the linked forums. Do your research. You'll see that age and "old age" for a mother is determined more by a cultural norm. What is deemed as old in the US is not seen as such in the Scandenavian countries, for example. BC, Canada has the highest percentage of first time moms in their 30's than in any part of the US and Canada. And interestingly enough, the incidence of Downs has not increased by comparison. That is not to say that Downs still isn't a risk...just that medical science still is unsure of all the other factors that contribute....besides age.

Don't let go of your dream because of societal pressure.

Answer 5

I have struggled with the same questions as you . I will be 39 in November. I have a 3 year old right now and want to try for another child. My son has kept me feeling younger. I quit smoking, stopped drinking, began going to the gym since I have had him. I am sure that having him at a later age has and will prolong my life. My parents are raising my neice and they are in there 60's. She will be a senior in HS and they have done an excellent job. She has not missed anything, and more likely has gained by having them in a parent role. Reading your question and all the wonderful answers you have recieved encourages me. The best of luck and may God Bless you.

Answer 6

I don't you be cheating your child out of anything, you will give him love, and that's not cheating, is it? You are not too old to be having kids, Geena Davis had twins, and she was close to or 50. You can do whatever you set your heart too, and if you want to become a mommy, make your dream come true, and close your ears to those people with negative thoughts about the idea. I know you'll enojoy motherhood as much or even more than someone "younger". You sound like you want this very much, and I'm sure you'll make your child very happy, and fill his/her life with lots of love.
I wish the best of luck to you and your husband, and your future baby.
God bless you!

Answer 7

you're not being selfish at all. although you're 39, you can still have a baby. my friend had her 2nd child when she was 40. so anything can happen. if you want to speed up the process, go seek a fertility doctor to help you out. you may be lucky and conceive quickly with their help. otherwise, you can always adopt at any age.

Answer 8

Of course not. There are way older couples out there wanting baby's and actually get pregnant and have baby's in their 50,s/ 60's I mean this is very cool. I love baby's and I am sure you would want one after all the trouble you are going though don't give up and keep trying I am sure it will happen and I hope the best for you! I hope everything goes your way and I am sooo sorry for all the trouble you went through. Please keep us updated and keep trying!

Answer 9

what date is your birthday,i too am 39 at the moment i turn 40 on october the 13th,no you are not been selfish at all,i am ttc too as i mc in june,i too feel i am missing something,i know i wont replace the child i lost ,but its just the way i feel,im hoping i conceived this month,if not i will keep trying until i do,within reason obviously,so i suggest you do what you feel is right,good luck to you and hope you conceive very soon

Answer 10

No way, my aunt and uncle didn't start having kids until they were 38 and they now have a 7 year old son and twin 4 year old sons. They are happy and well cared for, they still spend tons of time with them and they aren't cheated out of anything. At least this way you will probably be more stable financially and have more life experience to share with them.