How would you deal with the discovery that your fiance was violent to their ex wife?

Question

feel I am with a stranger after this discovery. So far I have kept this to myself as I decide on my actions. The weight is becoming heavier and I am beginning to feel ill.

Answer 1

If you feel unsecure just leave him. You shouldn't be living in fear that he'll do it to you.

Answer 2

I am so sorry to hear this. You are feeling a heavy weight on your heart and the ill feeling because news like that can take the rug right out from under you.

I would feel like I was with a stranger also, if I were in your situation.

You need to get away from this man.

People with anger issues and no ability to control upset and rage without reverting to violence against their partners are very dangerous to be involved
with.

Please, take this news as a blessing. You do not know, or maybe you do know, but do not want to believe how many of these types of cases end up in severe injuries and even death, and others will say how much they wished that they had warned the person about the violent person they were/are with.

It really is better that you find this out now, no matter how devastating it is, than learning it the violent way once you were married to this man.

As long as you are sure that you have a reliable source for this information, please get yourself out of this engagement and move on.

Answer 3

First of all I would want to know if it was a one-off incident or a serial abuse situation. If it was serial then I would have to re-think the whole situation as he is unlikely to have changed that much. If it was a one off and provoked, I think it would pass as a very poor mistake. I have heard that in a great deal of marriages, some violent act can take place either by the husband or wife and is deeply regretted and never repeated. Its usually circumstances of extreme stress. Either way, you need to get the details from your fiance and be fairly brutal about it. He might maintain that its not your business but I am afraid it most certainly is. You must then find out the 'other side of the story' and find someone who can tell you what happened from the ex-wifes point of view. If the two stories more or less tie up thats fine but if they don't, you might find you are with a wife beater and a liar which is a great deal worse. Either way, know your facts and trust your own judgement. I got told my husband was a violent controlling bully by his ex and recently he did slap me (under extreme provocation from me). There is a difference between her version and his actions and I decided to trust my own judgement and put the slap down to a mistake. If it happens again, I will walk out and never come back. One mistake is forgivable but not twice. His ex had reason to want to cause trouble and that is why it was difficult to make a good call on the situation. I wish you all the luck in the world to resolve this.

Answer 4

You all could artwork together for the sturdy of the youngster. She has unresolved matters alongside with your fiance which could be labored out. recommend that he talks to her devoid of you around and to no longer even convey you up. The ex shouldn't act this way no remember while you're there or no longer. (hacking under consideration) regarding you and stalking etc. He could discover out what the project is. Why does she dislike you lots? in line with threat for the reason which you're actually taking the place of her interior the domicile and could be a step parent. She is attempting to run you off using fact she does not like your new place. You all could take a seat together too. talk boundries and nicely-known habit. do no longer make it right into a "you try this, or you on no account try this." or you will no longer get any the place. even nonetheless she is nuts enable her have some dignity and it relatively is going to be a strategies much less demanding. you're all devoted to the youngster having a competent domicile and no tension.

Answer 5

Thank God you found out before you married this man. First of all, you need to sit and talk with HIM before you do anything else. You need to consider the length of time you have been with this man and if he has been violent with you. Then you need to let him know how this information has disturbed you and to the point that you feel ill. Please hear him out. I'm not saying that people don't change, but only you can decide if you want to continue this relationship in view of the information you have. Personally - I could not marry a man who has been violent UNLESS this person has accepted he has a problem and I can see PROOF that he has been to classes to help his situation. The other thing that would concern me is IF HE WAS NOT THE ONE who told you. Honesty is pertinent in any relationship - no matter how it hurts.

Answer 6

Well my opinion... my mum married a man and we lived with him for 16 years, he was a vile SOB, beat me aswell as her (i was 4 when they married) he smashed her head open aswell as other things. She finally had the guts to leave him and we discovered he had been married before and she fled because he was violent to her aswell. These are men that never change as far as i can see, he may not become violent with you but he may find it easier to bully you mentally. But this is only if you know that the information is 100% true, some people like to make this stuff up to ruin everything theman has going for him. If you felt like you trusted him before maybe you should go with your initial instincts, but if there is ANY part of you that thinks he could be violent id walk away before things get bad. I hope that things work out for you no matter what you decide x

Answer 7

Okay, most people will tell you to do a runner, I just want to play devil advocate for a second............

My ex was violent to me, it was a case of he used to try to control me and if I ever stood up to him as I always did, his only way only dealing with that was through violence. He used to do it out of frustration and towards our dimise, whenever he felt like it, my child was three months old when I got him to leave. Fortunately and unfortunately she was my strength.......

Now hes to be married to a girl, who I actually thought was really nice (til recently!) but he hasn't hit her (yet) but she is a much more submissive person than I am and she will take his crap. I didn't.
I pray to God he is never like that to her but it is very very possible. As perhaps is the same for you.

Now. You will probably hear that his ex was the most awful person and he had no choice but to hit her, or use violence in any form against her. My exs girlfriend has heard exactly the same about me and I am actually a really nice person, which she has also discovered. He tried everything in his power for us not to meet but we did and I used to get abuse about trying to destroy his life, but like I told him and his girlfriend, it was my past too and I have every right to discuss it with whomever I wish. It's his shame not mine.

It must be tough for you because he's not just a boyfriend, you intend marrying him, which is why I wanted to show some reason.
I think you know what you need to do. I also think though if you have never experienced any type of outburst or fear of violence from him, tell him your concerns and tell him you want him to get anger management and councelling.

I truly do wish you ALL the best but I also want to say, keep safe. If it happens to you even once, however big or small, you can rest assured it will happen again.

Sorry for the essay but here it is. xxxxx

Answer 8

How did you find out? You really need to watch the warning signs for your safety..Some men hide it until they have the woman almost blinded with "love". Keep your eyes open and you may need to sit down and talk to him..I would do it in public like a park or somewhere where you are not alone when you talk to him about it...Also if he tries to say its not true you should have some kind of proof about this..Its a hard thing to talk about.

Answer 9

Sadly, once someone is an abuser, that person will always be an abuser...Unfortunately, I learned that first hand. There isn't any amount of counceling or anger management classes that he can get. I say, it's best to leave that relationship as soon as possible. There is absolutely no justification for a man to batter his wife.

Answer 10

I would seriously think about postponing the wedding if its iniment. There is a really helpful website called the www.hiddenhurt.co.uk there is quiz you can do on it about your partner to see if he has a pattern of violence. You cant generalise but mostly men who are violent once are usually violent again.

Please email me if you wanna chat, I am survivor of Domestic Violence and I can give some advice.

Take Care, my heart goes out to you.
xx

Answer 11

Hi, had to reply to your message.

Please do not continue this relationship, do not let him know you know about his past. However much you love him, he will revert to violence in time. Make any excuse and get out now.

I had a violent relationship years ago, I had no foresight that this was going to happen, but suffered terribly. I didn't do anything wrong in our relationship but was mentally and physically abused.

I only managed to escape with work colleagues help two years later. I still hold mental scars. (Tears to my eyes now)

I'm sorry, but I know you probably want and have hope for this relationship, but take it from me and thousands of other women/men ,that these leopards do not change their spots.

Best wishes.
Dx