Does it make me a bad person if I leave my husband simply because I don't love him anymore?

Question

My husband is a good guy, but he's rude to me and tries to make me feel bad about myself. I have a BA, but I'm dumb. I weigh 130 lbs & am 5'6", but I'm fat. I'm replaceable, and he reminds me of this daily. He doesn't drink, smoke, cheat....he works, and is a good father. He's just not that nice sometimes. Because of all of this I'm just not attracted to him anymore. Does this make me a bad person? Does he have to do something "serious" for me to justify leaving?...Whe have kids together...what about them?

Answer 1

First off what he is doing is called verbal abuse. Been there, done that. For some reason he likes it when you have low self esteem. If you're around it enough though you'll start believing it. Trust me, I KNOW.

If you decide to leave make sure you get an "Ex Parte" (I think that's how it's spelled). That gives you temporary full custody of the children until the the Temporary court date. Most judges give custody to the one that the kids are with from the time of separation just keep your nose clean.

Your children will go through some withdrawing unless they have witnessed his behavior. Mine actually started behaving better and the stress was out of the atmosphere but they were witnessing it.

I fell out of love and lost attraction for my husband a long time ago. I just had to wait until the time was right. I did ask about counciling but he didn't want to. I at least tried. But it won't work if it's one-sided.

Good luck.

Answer 2

It doesn't make you a bad person. You must of loved him once to have married him. Tell him how you feel. You're not fat and you are not replaceable. He should not be saying that to you if he loves you. Don't let him bring you down. You're self esteem is very low and he's making it go lower. Get some help. If he doesn't want it, go by yourself. That way when you leave you can say I did my best. And yes the children will be the ones that will suffer. So do your best to hold the family together. Maybe he will change his tune if he known it going to be over. Maybe the marriage can be saved and the love brought back into your life. I hope so. For the children. But if it don't work. For the children you will have to end the marriage. Good luck.

Answer 3

If it was just you and him, I would say move on now cause life is too short for that type of treatment. However, you do have kids, and that means he will always be the father, and you will always have to have some sort of relationship with him forever. That said, you want to be able to tell your children and yourself that you tried everything to save the marriage. Ask you husband to go to counseling, demand that he go. If he says No, then you can sleep at night and tell your children when they are older that you tried to keep the family together, but sometimes people change. Also, set some money aside so that you can be secure and able to rent/buy what you need. He is likely to be angry for a while, which means he may stop supporting you. good luck, and NO, it doesn't make you a bad person.

Answer 4

Well we've heard your side.
It is so hard to get kind words from a guy who is admittedly a good father and provider does not drink or smoke but is just not nice?
Is it remotely possible that his hurtful remarks are a response
to his understanding that you do not love or respect him.
I know I would find it difficult to treat you with any kind words once I figured out that you were looking to leave. The phrase "I'm not attracted to you anymore" is like punching him in the balls. Maybe he thinks you are a bit misguided
and not very nice either.

All of the things you point out as his faults, matter not if you had any personal strength.
Perhaps you should make an attempt to fix your marriage before you break up your family.
If you do that before you make a strong effort to fix things,
yes, that would make you a bad person.
Your children will look at this later and wonder what was so bad that you had to leave.

Answer 5

You know what, this question makes me realize how bad I am to my wife. Thank you. I would hate to see my wife leave and I would do anything to keep her. I don't drink, smoke or cheat either, but that doesn't give me the right to disrespect her. I can totally relate to what you are saying and respect that you are at a wonderful point in your life where you are willing to face what you know you have to face and two completely honest with the fact. The big problem I see with your description is that it seems you have some insecurities with yourself. If you have insecurities with how you look, or who your with, then he might be using that against you, meaning, he knows that you are too insecure to stick up for yourself and that he's allowed to keep doing it. You need, and I mean need to be honest with him and put your foot down. Without the kids around, maybe even while having fun at a dinner, just go on and straight out pop it on him like, "Honey, I love you and all that you are but I am not appreciating .... and need to speak to you about it. This really means a lot to me, because I care so much about you. Etc. Etc. Show him that your doing it because you love him and appreciate the relationship you have and are wanting to fix it for yourself. If that doesn't work then, some form of counseling needs to be addressed because he isn't opening himself to you like he needs to be. I really dislike saying this but your going to keep living in the hell that you don't want, or take your kids and make him live in the hell that I know he doesn't want if this ceasts to happen. Trust me. So I can truly say that you have an incredible question here, and I appreciate the success you've already had. :)

Answer 6

I love how women here just tell you to leave him, forget about the kids, blah, blah.

They all need to grow up.

Reality is, you created a family with your husband, and now you have kids. The problem you described you have has probably being “incubating” from some time ago, maybe a long time ago. Now you are sick and tire of it, and probably your husband (which as for what you said seems to be a good person) doesn’t realize what he has done and is doing to you.

Before you dump your matrimony and screw up your kids life by having divorced parents, you need to sit down with your husband alone, and have a long and very serious conversation about this whole thing.

And read my words well, I said “serious conversation”, which means to talk, explain problems, try to give solutions, and before anything else, try to understand each other.

When you two got together, made a promise to take care of each other, and even when you didn’t think of it, you also promised to take care of your future family.

You now have a nice family, and you have to take care of them. That means you can not put your life in front of the life of your kids or even your husband. If there is (or was) real love, you know you would give your life for him.

It is not easy, and very complicated, we all know that, but you should give it a try and confront him, and avoid any fights. This is a serious adult matter, fighting will solve nothing.

And be prepared for surprises. Your husband might give you a completely different point of view, and blame you for things you don’t even know that are happening.

It is going to be reality check for both of you. I recommend going away from your house to a private place to talk, or in any case, send your kids away when you two decide to talk if you want to stay home.

If after talking, and that means probably many sessions, not just one, you two are still not agreeing with each other and finding solutions, then, and only then, you both should consider to get separated, and try to do it on good terms. Nobody is perfect, and maybe you two can not be together, but you two have kids now, and they do count, and it is a very devastating situation when parents separate fighting. I don’t think you want that for your kids, nor your husband.

Anybody that tells you that your life and happiness is before anybody else, they are just a bunch of self fish people and you shouldn’t listen to them. You know your kids come first, so listen to your own voice, and you will know what I am talking about.

There is always a solution for every problem, is only up to us to be mature enough to find the right solution, and also to be able to apply that solution the right way.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Erica,
your self esteem is a good enough reason to do what you feel you must. The "mental" thing can be worse than any other non accepted behavior in marriage. You should go with your gutt instincts on this. And, someone tell me when being 5'6" and 130 lbs is "fat"? Are you for real? Why would any husband say something like that to his wife? He IS doing something serious - your self esteem is priceless by the way.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 8

i think of it relatively is thrilling which you relatively prefer to go returned on your place city and which you nevertheless leave out it lots. your place city would have replaced and so will you. you reside by using a deployment, it somewhat is not often undemanding and you're in all threat feeling like a unmarried parent besides, whose marriage has long previous flat, devoid of the proximity and help of your loved ones. military marriages could be quite close and loving to proceed to exist long separations it somewhat is why lots of beak down for the period of deployments. i think of it relatively is taken under consideration necessary wait till he comes returned to speak to him approximately this. it would be merciless to no longer provide him a voice yet i'm no longer likely to leap on the 'how would desire to you leave a hero?' bandwagon that I see expressed right here. A loveless marriage is an exceedingly unhappy place to be for each individual in contact, and in case you study intently with him if it somewhat is somewhat the case (and not in basic terms to do with being lonely) then you certainly may additionally make rational judgements from there. i'm hoping which you detect peace and happiness regardless of you come back to a selection to do.

Answer 9

You have your children to think about.

If you have tried everything to work on the relationship and it has still failed then divorce is the last resort.

You must try marriage counseling, in addition to communicating with him how you feel. I hope that you have already discussed this issue with him, if not then you need to.

Divorce is not easy, it's painful for everyone, expensive and drawn out. If he is nasty now, imagine what he will be like during a divorce. So help him to fix his attitude towards you. Spouses sometimes help the other become a better person, so help him become a better person.

Answer 10

You're husband doesn't drink or smoke, but he verbally abuses you and you think he's a good guy? And can you say for sure he isn't or hasn't cheated? Hon, I hate seeing women (or men for that matter) second-guess themselves due to someone else's abuse. I've been there, trust me, and it's made me so very strong. This does not make you a bad person. Marriage and love is about trust and friendship, about respect and honor, where is his? If you are truly not in love anymore, and truly not happy anymore - then please do what's right for you and don't worry about thinking you're wrong. It would only be wrong if you stayed in this situation, possibly giving it a chance to get worse and worse? Do you really want to spend your life with someone who doesn't respect you as a wife and confidant? I strongly advise you to picture your future like this. If you haven't tried talking to him about it yet, then give it a try first, maybe there is some chance he doesn't realize how he's treating you (although I doubt it), and ask yourself if you think you'll be capable of forgiving him and learning to put the past in the past, and learn to love him again. If not, then think, like I said, of the future. Your kids will survive this, kids are more resilient than you think. The worse you can do is keep them in an unhappy, unloving environment. Even if this isn't going on in front of them, kids can sense the tension and unease. Do what's right for your happiness, and for your children. You deserve better. Best of luck to you.