Is it typical for a spouse who leaves for a new lover to lie about there relationship?

Question

I just heard that my ex wife is telling her friends and family that she was emotionally beat down. Ww where highschool sweethearts and together for 16 years. She devoloped a relationship with a highschool teacher at her work she works in the kitchen. I got really upset at her one time and thats when she bankrupted us from gambling and I had no idea. I cooked cleaned baked planned trips and worked and supported her since I met her never once did she have to suffer. Do people start to believe there own lies? If I was such a terrible husband then why is she so nice to me 9 months after leaving me? I'm very hurt to hear how she justified leaving me and cheating.. Is this normal for spouses who want out and cannot communicate there feelings? I'm very hurt by this and I'm thinking of asking her to give me some examples of how she was emotionally beat down...should I or just let it go? We share our two kids everyother week together so we still communicate.

Answer 1

Honestly, I would just let it go. There's no sense in beating a dead horse so to speak. People do make excuses for their actions, they try to find some way to justify it to themselves so they don't feel guilty and end up believeing their lie. Some people cope that way. I know because I did it once in a relationship years ago. Looking back I relaized I was lying to myself and making excuses for why I did it. Maybe in the future she will do the same. I am sorry though that you are going through this, but you sound like a great guy so don't beat yourself up too much. I'm sure you will find someone else that would never ever cheat on you.

Answer 2

A lot of cheaters are also liars. It is one is the same when you think about it. She is probably just trying to make herself look better. I know a lot of females who have done the same thing.

However, when she says she is emotionally beaten down it might not mean that you have beat her down. Maybe she is emotionally beaten down because she feels guilty, as she should, of breaking up the marriage and cheating on a good husband who took care of her.

Also consider the fact that when family and friends pass stories around they often change dramaticaly.

Lastly, I would move on. She can never bankrupt you ever again and she can't hurt you anymore. As a precaution, I wouldn't be alone with her, as she does not sound like a person you can trust.

The truth always comes out in the end, as do lies. Karma will bite her in the butt one day. Maybe it already has.

Good luck to you.

Answer 3

I'd just not worry about it and let it go. If she has a gambling problem, I suspect the lies just go along with it...you pretty much have to be a liar to keep something like that from your spouse to the point of bankruptcy.

There's no sense in giving her any reason to believe her own lies, which she probably already believes anyway. It's amazing how ppl can say a thing or think a thing so much they come to really believe it.

I'd move on with my life if I were you, and just hope she someday comes to terms with her problems.

Good luck, and have a good "rest of your life"!

Answer 4

Certainly ask her, if you really want an answer. Because she will be able to give them to you. Then you will be the one on defense. You will not want to believe it or except that she actually had feelings of her own. The same thing happened to me. I was totally mentally abused. All I ever heard was what I wasn't capable of doing. Well today my favorite song is "Stupid Boy". I also have never been happier than I am now that I have a new relation. I didn't have any idea that life could be so good. Of course he still runs his mouth about me needing excuses to get out. I didn't need an excuse, one day I never looked back. Ex, is key word here.

Answer 5

It's normal for (immature) people to rationalize situations in a way that make them feel better about themselves. For instance - your wife does not feel good about having an affair. But she's justifying it, and playing the sympathy card by saying she was emotionally beat down. This makes others not look down on her, and it makes her not look down on herself.

My ex told everyone I was a lying cheating whore because I made out with one person once (and TOLD him about it immediately) months before we split. WHY would he tell people this? Because I left him. If I was such a whore, why didn't he leave me? He didn't want to own up to the fact that he was a bad husband...so to feel better about being a shitty husband, he put all the blame on my "affairs."

Answer 6

Ouch, sorry to hear about your situation.

I suppose some people find a need to justify their actions for the fear of not being accepted in their social circle. And when they're unable to find that justification...they just make themselves victim so as to gain sympathy from others and then not having to point the fingers at themselves and taking the blame.

That doesn't mean she's altogether a bad person. You can't expect her to go around telling her own family and friends how she messed up...

Answer 7

OMG!This so mirrors my own situation it is unreal.
Yes,I think do start to believe thier own lies.If its been 9 months,other than for your own closure,why in the world would you even think about opening up the hurt again.Is it not enough to know YOURSELF what happened and how?
I really never knew what my Father said before he pased lat year.He said Son,the best revenge is living well and taking care of your own self and your kids.Now I know exactly what he meant.My ex is miserable in the situation she is in now and just can't stand that I'm over her and doing just great.I hate to see her like she is now but she has no one to blame but herself,and in some way,I think she knows that.
I wish you all the best and remember to take extra good care of your children because thats the best thing you have left of this relationship and you would be surprised how much better that can make you feel.

Answer 8

Well honestly I believe someone would do this for this simple fact, that it makes them look better. The only way I would ask her that question is if you want to maybe reconcile with her. It is really terrible of someone to downgrade the other just for personal satisfaction or not to look like the bad person. Lying like that also helps her to feel justified in her actions, to make people think she was the victim. She sounds very immature to me, maybe you are better off with out her, just search your heart for the answer. I am sorry you were hurt like that, and remember not all women are like that.
Patty

Answer 9

Typical to lie about it. Heck I don't know anyone who would tell the truth. If you got caught by a cop for speeding and he asked you if you did it and you said no and then he let you go you would speed then lie every time. Cheating falls almost in the same category. Lie about it and it is awfully hard to prove otherwise.

Let it go and move on. Adults that have been down the divorce road understand that what is said after the breakup only holds so much merit, much is not true.

Answer 10

Your story sounds so similar to mine. I did everything for my husband. Financially, I was the one to contribute the most. I supported him through thick and thin, did everything possible to keep our marriage happy and loved him to bits. After 18 years, he found an interest in Internet dating and left me for another woman. He also came back wanting to do nice things for me after 8 months and bought a house in the same street as me. Soon after he did that, he went back to live with his mistress. All he does is lie, lie and lie. He also lied about the marriage break up to justify his guilt. The good thing tho' is that, he has lost all our mutual friends who know me too well to believe all the lies had told them about me and they knew it was just to cover up his guilt. He never told anyone that he simply refused to communicate with me to save our marriage and his only way out for a bit of fun was to lie to me constantly. In all this, I don't believe he is happy and I doubt if your wife is either yet, they still want to stay out the marriage just because they feel like a change. Once this happens, I'm afraid trust would be very difficult to retain so, it's better to move on and hang in there. All the best to you and hope it will work out differently to you than mine did.