Forgive mother who allowed relatives who sexually molested her to babysit me when I was child?

Question

I have issues with forgiveness in this matter, I feel like a sheep sent a field of wolves. It was not until I reached adolescence that I learned of my mother and her siblings abuse. She no longer talks to her family. But I was sexually abused by these relatives and there is definitely remaining resentment on my part that I try to stifle. I have heard mixed responses from therapists, so I am giving this forum a try.

Answer 1

I commend you for trying to face these feelings head on so you can move on and have a healthy, happy life. You're angry at your mother because you feel it was her ultimate job as a mother to protect you. You were just a child and she KNEW these people were capable of abusing children. Even now, the child inside of you feels so betrayed and hurt by her. I'm guessing the abuse you suffered isn't as hurtful as feeling like your own mother didn't protect you.

Believe me, she probably beats herself up inside more than you ever could. Know that she carries her own guilt, her own scars, and will forever.....even WITH your forgiveness. I know you're so hurt right now but the only way you can move on IS TO FORGIVE HER. She went through the same thing so can you find it in your heart to give her some compassion? There's no telling how her abuse really screwed with her head.

My best friend went through the same thing. Her mother was fondled by her father-in-law but she never told her husband for fear he would just take up for his dad. She thought it was an isolated thing so she allowed her children to go visit with their grandparents quite often. She missed every sign even though my best friend gave every classic sign of being sexually abused. When her mother found out the grandfather had sexually abused her daughter all those years, she felt tremendous guilt.

There is nothing you can do to take it back - and there's nothing she can do either. The only thing you CAN do is embrace LIFE and each other. Unfortunately, my best friend has let this incident RULE her life. She's never dated, never had sex, never even kissed a guy our age. This happened about 10 years ago. While it's bad what he did, it's even worse that she is now ALLOWING him to take every good and happy possibility away from her. He's been dead for 5 or 6 years yet she still can't move on. It's so sad b/c he not only took her innocence and childhood but it appears, even in death, he will take her possibility for ever experiencing true love, marriage, and having a family. Don't let this happen to you. Don't let your abuser KEEP taking from you. You take the power back and take control of your life by forgiving your mother. Goodluck.

Answer 2

I am so sorry for what happened to you. I totally understand and relate to your feelings of resentment. I was sexually abused as a child too, and even though I am now in my 60's, I choose to NOT forgive the people who abused me.

I was in therapy for over 10 years. I was repeatedly raped by strangers for over 7 years, and my mother was eventually murdered. Although my mother allowed these men to come into our home, I am not sure if she knew what they were doing to me. I have forgiven my mother. She was a victim too and would have done better, had she known better.

However, these men knew better than to jam it into a little 3 year old. That's how old I was when the abuse started.
And, yes, we feel like sheep sent into a field of hungry wolves. You described it perfectly.

Perverts are to blame for their perversions. I will never forgive a pervert. I would rather shove a hand grenade up their *** and blow their heads off. I realize that my refusal to forgive them is what is causing my resentment, but, seriously, I don't care. I will hate them forever.

Do forgive your mother though. You don't need to have a relationship with her, or even tell her that you forgive her. Just give your heart a break by forgiving her and let go of the resentment towards her. She loves you.

Answer 3

I can totally relate. My mother has been on a destructive path for quite sometime and has let alot of things happen to me that she knew about. I.E sexual, mental, and physical abuse from her boyfriends. She thinks that I am just supposed to forgive her for these thing, but it is hard. I don't think that I am ready to forgive her, not yet. I now have 2 small little girls and I could never let the same things happen to them as to what happened to me. I think everything we go through is a learning experience. I try to have a releationship with my mother, but it will never be what it should be and like you said there will always be resentment towards her. I don't think that this resentment is something that you can get over, overnight. Maybe in time you can forgive your mother. Maybe in time I can forgive mine as well. But I think the best thing to do is to talk to her, tell her how you feel and how what she did has affected you. Let her know that you will never forget it and that you arn't ready to forgive her.

I hope that helps a little.

Answer 4

My understanding of your issue is that mother was molested by some relative and then years later she left you with the same relative and you were molested.
You are right she shouldn't have left you with that relative. She should have known you may be harmed.
With that said forgiveness is not about accepting what someone did to you as ok. Forgiveness is about letting your heart heal. You do not have to accept that she made the best choices while raising you. To forgive is to let go of anger, not to say to yourself "if I forgive this person then I am saying to myself what they did was a good/right thing and my hurt is wrong."
You don't have to compromise yourself; just think though, if you do forgive her then you don't have to carry around that anger anymore in you that has hurt you for something that should have never happened or hurt you to begin with. What happened to you can stop hurting you now if you let go.
It's all up to you. Keep hurting and hating with old resentment and anger or just say to yourself this is not worth one more day of my time.

Answer 5

Ellen H. states that "...forgiveness does not mean to let them go unpunished." Or something like that! Girls and boys are STILL having to endure this horrible abuse for thousands of years!!! When a person injures another, then they MUST FACE LEGAL CONSEQUENCES!! This would mean a major upheaval in your life---BUT if humankind can ever end this crippling of another person--a CHILD---then every single criminal act must be reported! Or taken to court if the darn statutes of time limitations are over!!! SUE the suckers! It would mean dedicating years to this endeavor, but if you DON'T, those people are STILL out there abusing children every chance they get!!! iT'S A HORRIBLE CRIME DONE TO CHILDREN!! I'm sorry to say, but your biological mother was NOT A MOTHER TO YOU!!! I think the most effective remediation of abuse is to make the abusers face justice!!!! Surely there are some attorneys willing to take on your case and SUE their pants off!!! The continuation of this terrible crime against children continues because children are defenseless!!! AND the chances of being caught are slim!!! Even if it means taking your "mother" to court, DO IT!! I think that the advice to "forgive" is simply covering over a crime!!! Children will continue to be damaged until every single one speaks up when they are able, and DEMAND JUSTICE!!!!

Answer 6

I always try to see the bright side of things. but I definitely can't see much light, just maybe a little. You would have to go back to when you were young, and at that time was your mother in a predicament, where she had no one else to watch you, and maybe she felt they abused her, but they wouldn't do it to her babies. Have you ever sat down and asked her directly, Mom, Why explain it to me. Where was your father, if there was none maybe she feared that social service would take you away. My heart breaks, when I hear this. Oh! yes you have a right to be angry, and it will take a long time to get over it. But your mother has to be confronted and maybe some of those relative to. One step at a time, and you will do it, you sound strong and I will pray for you. You might never forgive her, and if thats your decision, be prepared to life with it.

Answer 7

There is no excuse for what your mother did. But seeing that she was abused also shows that she probably had mental problems after that. A lot of people who were abused tend to leave their senses in one way or another. I know someone who had the exact same thing happen to her when she was a child. It's something that haunts her to this day and she's an old woman. But she gets comfort from the bible and from praying.
I wish you all the best

Answer 8

Forgiveness does not mean allowing the perpetrators to go unpunished. Forgiveness is for yourself so that you don't carry around the hatred in your heart forever and be bitter, angry, resentful and all the other negatives that unforgiveness encompasses. If you are at all religious, then you know that forgiveness is a central tenent of most religions and that as brothers and sisters in Christ, we are called to forgive. That said, however, nothing says that once you forgive you need to continue to allow that in your life. In fact, you are better and safer if you limit or decline contact all together. I'm in favor of forgiveness, if only for your own piece of mind, NOT theirs. There is still the idea of accountability and if they refuse to take responsibility, then you are free to live your own life. God bless.

Answer 9

Did your mom do it on purpose?
You cannot know to what level your mother was suppressing her feeling and memories.... Perhaps she was trully affected by the molestation and unconsciously supressed her feelings, allowing her to make some careless decisions....

Analysing these types of things at a "common sense" level is sometimes counter-productive. Noone would send their children off with molestors if they were "right" in the head... but if they do, then most-likely they were not mentally-sound....and you have to take that into account. You have the added benefit of knowing why or how your mom's decision-making skills may have been "out of whack"...

I think you should forgive your mom, although, I can understand that it maybe hard.

Answer 10

You can't change the past, but you can decide your future. Your mother may not have known about the abuse until it was too late. Your mother may have known about the abuse and was too ashamed to do anything about it. Either way, the past is the past. You could forgive your mother and not learn from her past mistakes and move on or you could hold a grudge that will eat at you until you pass on. What would be healthier for you? It doesn't have to be a lifetime of regret, just a momentary lapse in judgement.