how do i forgive him?

Question

my brother and my family are having some big issues. recently, my brother went to jail for Methamphetamine use. months before, my brother was living with us. he stole so many things from my dad, including his identity. he also screwed up my dad's credit. they're both named James Monroe, but they have different middle names. my life was already messed up enough before he did this. my brother and i always had a close relationship, but now it's broken. how can i forgive him for this?

Answer 1

Forgiveness does not come easy, not for anyone; so do not blame yourself if these feelings last longer than you'd like. Unfortunately, until your brother begins making better decisions, any attempts at forgiving him on your part may only enable his destructive behavior by encouraging his drug use. For example, if he knows he can steal from your family and get high on meth, and still you and your family will forgive him, he may continue using because he knows he is safe from losing all of you. Your brother's meth use is out of your control, but you can still let him know how it makes you feel. Write it all down and hold onto the letter for a day. Reread it and make sure it will tell him everything you want him to know. The most important part is to be honest; that sounds simple, but proves the most difficult sometimes. Of course, your brother may never stop hurting you and your family. I pray for you that he will stop, but life doesn't always work the way we want it to (I have to remind myself of that all the time). Figure out what you can do to forgive him and help him with his problem, but never forget that he is the one making the bad decisions, not you. Also, talk to someone else besides this message board, someone you can trust.

Answer 2

It's extremely hard to forgive someone who once had your trust and confidence. No doubt you feel betrayed, hurt, and violated, as if a big piece of innocence was ripped right out of you without your consent. And all because of someone else's uncaring selfishness. How do you forgive that? You can forgive your brother in your heart, but all you're truly doing is choosing to love him and not hate him. What do I mean by that? Your brother must seek to be forgiven in order for you to forgive him, or he must accept your forgiveness when you offer it to him. If he doesn't do either, all you can do is "stand at the ready" to forgive him, and also choose to love him, pray for him, and let him know of his wrong doings and how they effect the people around him. Your pain will lessen over time, and it may even turn into a different kind of pain -- a pain which comes from knowing he is living wrong, and how much you hope he will choose to live right someday. Always keep hope in your heart for your brother, and one day all will be reconciled.

Answer 3

The truth, you may not forgive and even if you do find a way to forgive, you may never forget..... It is an issue of trust... He has destroyed the trust you had in him as a brother, friend and family member... If this was someone other than a member of your family you probably would have moved on and shut that person out of your life....

So how to you move past this??? Well, you need to open up to him and let him know what actions he has done that has destroyed all the trust he had built over the years... Trust is like a bank account... Every time someone does something to earn your trust, the account grows.... But when someone does something bad, they withdraw trust from the account... Depending on what that person does influences whether there is anymore trust left in the account... In this case he is overdrawn and paying penalties.... So he needs to understand your feelings and you need to let him know what he can do to begin building up the account.... Staying clean is one way... Helping payoff his depths is another.... Spending time with the family is another... Disassociation with his friends and people who lead him in this direction is another.... Getting and keeping a job.... Ect.... They all help to rebuild that Trust Account... Good luck

Answer 4

Oh, dear one I am so sorry your family has had to suffer through this.

I think it will just take time. And your brother cleaning up his act getting away from his old habits. Hopefully this stint in jail will be a wake up call for him. and he gets his head on straight and start trying to make amends for his actions.

Here is a webpage about identity theft with steps your dad may want to look into to repair the damage done to his credit.
http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/edu/microsites/idtheft/consumers/defend.html

Finally let go of your hurt and ager toward your brother, it will only hurt you more in the end than it will hurt him. He's your brother and love him anyway. Just be aware that he may never change and hide the good stuff he might be tempted to steal....

Answer 5

You can forgive him without approving of what he's done. Tell him (either face-to-face or write him a letter) that you love him, and you will always love him, but that you don't agree with the things he's done. Tell him that you'll always support him when he's trying to do the right thing, but that you can never support him when he intentionally hurts people.

Be kind - don't dredge up a lot of details from the past. The point of this conversation is to let him know that you love him very much and want to repair your relationship, NOT to point out everything he's ever done wrong.

Answer 6

It's a shame what drug use does to people. You may never be able to fully forgive him for what he has done to you and your father, but you may be able to work past it. You need to talk to your brother and let him know what he has done to hurt you and take it from there. He has to regain your trust and if he can't do this, then things may never be the same. I truly believe that people can change for the better, but it has to be because that is what they want. Hope it all works out.

Answer 7

Is your brother seeking treatment?? Is he staying clean?? If your brother is making a good effort to do these things you should definitely forgive him (but he has to earn trust back). If he isn't doing anything to try to better himself your dad should press charges against him.

Answer 8

When he straightens up, work on forgiveness by thinking about the good times you used to share together and put the bad things out of your mind - when he straightens up. If you give in, get all buddy-buddy again with him while he's in the midst of this behavior, you're sending a message to him that his behavior is acceptable.

Answer 9

Is he clean? Then take slow steps to get your trust in him back. Until this trust returns, any forgiveness would just be lip service.

If he is clean, and taking the steps to stay sober, you should realize that he didn't steal that stuff, meth did. But if he is still choosing the drug, steer clear of him;.

You may want to consider going to some al anon meetings. Addiction is a family disease and does not just affect the addict.

Best-
DN

Answer 10

your brother is just probably going through something so give him support and let him know that you are there for him as long as he wants to change his life for the better and then over time maybe you will be able to forgive him - hope this helps and good luck