why do i need to choose?

Question

i love this wonderfull man named Todd. we plan on getting married, the only problem is Todd cant have children, and i really wanna be a mom and he wants to be a dad, but we dont want to adopt. do you have any advise for us.

Answer 1

How sad that an unwanted child grows up in an orphanage or foster homes because you have prejudice against adoption. If he can't have children, you may want to rethink getting married because the desire for a child will put a heck of a strain on your relationship. You and Todd need to do a lot of research and soul-searching before you marry. You can start with why you're so against adoption.

Answer 2

It sounds like you already know what you want to do, but that maybe you want it to be someone else's idea. If you both want children and do not want to adopt, there's not much left but some healthy sperm.

Why do you need to choose?

Because it's your life and your decision whether or not to have a baby, and so: your responsibility. In a way your situation has provided you with an acute awareness of this responsibility and the opportunuity of which so many young parents fail to take advantage: that is the opportunity of forethought which is the parent of good decisions.

I think that maybe it's not the decision we are all so afraid of, I think maybe it's more that we are afraid we aren't going to get the answers we think want if we ask the hard questions. The questions that can really lead us to a good decision.

This may sound too difficult and rather bleak to you, when actually if you love each other and both want children, there's no reason why you couldn't have a beautiful, happy family.

Other than, perhaps, the trap of one partner going along with something he or she doesn't really want simply to please the other and avoid a possible confrontation. This is the resentment trap, and few are able to escape intact. The key is to understand that you may not agree, but have the courage to ask the hard questions anyway. Do this knowing that you have a very good chance of working through a known disagreement. Whereas, by the time it's discovered, a full grown unspoken resentment has usually caused so much collateral damage that it's just too late to make lasting repairs.

I hope the two of you can and will get very open, honest, and direct, no, i mean: DIRECT !

Don't candy coat or beat around the bush with him or, and even more important, with yourself. And the only way I know how to do that is to be brutally honest with yourself, by actually accepting the facts that anything can happen, and you really can't read each other's minds. Accepting the reality that the two of you may NOT be on the same page and you cannot know unless you ask.

If you wonder if he may be hurt or become bitter, angry or resentful that he is not actually the biological father -- ask that!

If you believe it would be wise to set up some kind of 'pre-natal' contract in order to insure child support, just in case of a break up, BY ALL MEANS bring it up now, before there is a child who would pay the price for your lack of forethought or backbone.

Give Todd "permission" in your own mind and heart to ask you whatever he needs to ask for his own piece of mind.

Remember that questions and concerns aren't accusations. Requests for concessions that are in the best interest of your child are not evidence of a lack of trust or faith in each other, but rather they are evidence of your mutual commitment to place the happiness and well being of your child above your own needs and egos.

Good Luck
Gojo

Answer 3

From the sounds of it you want the perfect American life,...who must learn to deal with what has been dealt to you. Having kids is not a must for a marriage, keeping a relationship to together is a must. Get a dog if you long to baby something.

Answer 4

why don't you wanna adopt? but theres like sperm banks and stuff you could do

Answer 5

Yes what about artificial insemination?
Look info on this topic.
Good luck to you both. :-)