Sex after marriage and Children.... or lack thereof?

Question

My wife and i have been married for 3 1/2 years. She fell pregnant in April of last year.
Before she got preg, there was issues, and at first it was like once a month or once every 6 weeks. But it was getting better, like alomst twice a month before she got preg.
We did not have sex at all during the preganacy, for health reasons. Which i was totally fine with. My twins were born in January. In march we had sex 3 times, and it was not really "obligation" sex. It was mutual if ya know what i mean. Then she got an IUD which caused her to be bleeding for almost 3 moths straight. Even since things have gone back to normal though, she is not interested sexually at all.

Ahe says she is not comfortable with her body....so thats it. NOTHING! She put on a total of 8 pounds during the preg, and she is back to her pre-preg size, so i dont really understand. 3 Times in 15 months (and all in one month) is well, hard to deal with as a guy. When i bring it up it makes her upset. What to do??

Well to all of you who think that all men are pigs:

I work 2 jobs, I do at least 50% of all cleaning. I cook. EVERY night. I take care of the boys when i'm home at least 50% of the time. Dont get me wrong.... I love her to death, she is wonderful, and she's a great mom. I do those little romantive things all the time.... and you know what, i do it because i enjoy making her happy... for no other reason. I'm not saying i'm perfect.... unfortunatley i am easily upset... and this doesnt bode well. But i pull my weight, and compared to other fathers/husbands... i am very much involved. So.... i do the flowers, the dinner, we go on dates at least once or twice a month. I wait on her hand and foot (sometimes) and I make a point of telling her how beautiful she is every day. So..... anyone wanna change your answer? Oh.. and her body has healed. 7 months later.... that's not the issue.

Answer 1

there is a book called "his needs, her needs" get it and both of you read it.

After kids, it is really tough to make your relationship the #1 priority. But is is SOOOOOOOOO important.

If mom and dad are happy then EVERYONE is happy.

Good luck!

Answer 2

You are tooo good to her. That's the problem. I'm not saying that all the things you do shouldn't be done, just not as much or all at once. I think that you are not a challenge for your wife and that may be exactly what she needs. She has nothing to blame you for, (that's legit) and she probably just needs the challenge. Tell her no a few times, or just act disinterested. Any good wife will spot the behavior change quickly. If this doesn't perk her up a bit it will at least open up a line of communication. Do something crazy. Start working out at a gym, or just change gyms if you already do. Come home occasionally and tell her what you overheard some woman say in casual conversation. Women don't like to think that you may be around someone else that is slightly interesting or has a good head on their shoulders. If she reallizes that her affection of late is inadequate, or that she better start keeping you satisfied, it may just give the spark you've been looking for. Good luck, and this has been proven several times through my 11 yrs of marriage.

Answer 3

Whatever happened to asking a question. You could have posted this on a blog somewhere for the same effect and might have even had a healthy debate. To answer your one line question though Interracial marriage is just as normal as normal marriage. It's been in practice long before America was founded and won't stop anytime soon. Those who don't embrace it will only find themselves lost in the times, regardless of which generation they belong to. As for Gays....personally I disagree with same sex marriage. The very definition of marriage has changed because of it if you ask me. However to each his own I don't hold anything against them. I would say that resorting to calling people bigots is a very immature way of getting your point across. You are no different than the people that belittle those homosexuals that would stand up for their marriage. I personally think you are intolerant of the rest of the world. I have a suggestion for ya though. From 1500-1800 when people wanted to escape persecution they left and headed west. You could leave yourself if you don't like how things are. Maybe to a country that's even less tolerant of your beliefs. You have no idea just how good you have it. Flaunting your freedoms and demanding more. You really need to let things go.

Answer 4

the hormones from the IUD can literally make her libido ZERO. couple that with the fact that she has twins that are a year old. I understand that you work two jobs, and that you contribute and all that, but who has the kids during the day? is she a stay at home mom? could it be that she is just tired? taking care of kids is a job in and of itself. anything else is just icing on the cake. sometimes at the end of the day, you are so tired all you want to think about is sleeping in the tub. and I did singles, not twins.

on the other hand, as a woman, I can tell you if I couldn't look forward to the time I spend with my man at the end of the day, I don't think I would make it some days. I am one of the "smitten few" who admit they enjoy it, and I do. but I am not on any hormones that decrease my libido.

and from the sound of it, your wife was on the backside of a slipping libido if it was once a month. (OMG! I would kill myself!) the next time she goes to her OBGYN, go with her. have a talk with her doctor. tell him/her that you have noticed a change, and ask if it might possibly be the hormones. see if he/she can suggest anything that would make your sex life better for both of you. it will take compromise, but no matter what her state is at the moment, she should make time for you because "if you don't feed the dog, he'll look for scraps somewhere else." (no, I don't think you're a dog. you get the point...) she should be just as concerned, if not as timely, about you getting some as you are. even if she isn't in the mood, she should make herself in the mood every once in a while.

Answer 5

Well, if I were married, that wouldn't be enough for me. Why in the world do you suppose God gave us a sex drive. It's not only for the procreation of children, it's for the bonding and uniting of the couple. There is a hugh problem here. Your wife can fix it if she want to by working with her ob/gyn to get a satisfactory method of birth control and a check of her hormone levels. If she is physically okay, you both need to go to therapy to get to the bottom of this.

You can help too by getting a vasectomy. I'm not saying two kids are enough, but in general, this marriage doesn't look good to me and you don't need more kids. If your wife won't go to joint therapy, go by yourself. I keep hearing that sex for women start hours before the sex act itself by the man doing thoughtful kind things to help her with chores without being asked, bringing home dinner, doing the dishes, doing the laundry now and again.

My son did everyting in his marriage--made the money, cooked, cleaned, shopped, took care of the baby completely, drove the kid up and down the road to day care even though wife only worked a couple days a week. She didn't have a sex drive either. Well, they are just about divorced now. She thought she had a perfect life until he said he wanted a divorce. Now their beautiful little boy is in a split family--three days here, four days there. Mom can't stand to be alone, so she drags the kid thritter and yon to relatives and sleep in different beds all the time. You both have to face the fact that you have problems and DEAL with them because they are not going to get better on there own. You sound like you are approaching the point of not wanting to live this way any more. Then you'll turn to help on the internet and find some WOMAN who will be sympathetic and who is willing to give you the sex of your life and you will end up being screwed in more ways than one.

Answer 6

Everyone seems to have an answer for this one. Most people have no idea what they are talking about. I have been the one in your wife's position.

First, I would say, you have every right to expect to have sexual fulfullment in your relationship. Don't apologize for that. Second, this so complex, it can't be answered on yahoo. You will definitely want to get some professional help. Porn will absolutely not help! Your trying to fix her or the problem by yourself will not help. You are already trying to make her feel beautiful, you are being a helpful partner with the house and kids, etc.

Since I have been in her position, let me assure you that it is not your fault! I was not at all interested in sex and I had no idea why. I felt really bad about it, wanted to change it but again had no idea how. I do know that the more pressure there was to have sex, the more I didn't want to have sex. I know that doesn't give you an answer on how to fix it but there isn't a simple one. Again, please get some help for not only your sake but your kids. They want their parents together and happy.

Answer 7

Wow! And my husband thinks he has it bad. LOL No, seriously. I agree with everyone else who has answered that it's probably an emotional problem......especially if you were getting it very little before she became pregnant. Tell her you love her and ask her to talk to someone. (Obviously I mean a professional) Tell her you'll go with her so she doesn't feel like she's in this alone. If you don't seem to think that things are that serious yet, then try this trick. It works for my husband and myself when we hit a "dry spell". Make plans to go to your favorite bar or club or whatever, but agree to MEET her there rather than going together. It may sound stupid, but the two of you act like you're not together. Sit across the room from eachother and make flirtatious eye contact. Hopefully during this time, another guy will talk to her and/or another woman will talk to you. (Don't do any major flirting with these other people. They are just pawns in your game of chess) The key here is to focus on eachother and make a conscience effort to attract eachother. It always helps especially if you think there's a chance someone else may find your spouse attractive. Good luck.

Answer 8

She has t know that you are comfortable with her body too. I went through something of that sort. Don't really bring up sex, she may think the only reason you are saying she's fine is so you can get sex. No matter whatunderstand that she is going through something personal. She may even be going through post-partum depression and not no it. It happens al the time. Just let her know that you have no idea why she thinks something is wrong with her body and that she is still the beautiful person you married(unless she is smaller than that period of time). Let her know that you will always be around for her and that you are completely happy with her body.She may also be scared about sex with the iud if she still has it. I don't mean to turn the subject but have you found any evidence that she may have had an affair, I don't mean to suggest it but she may feel guilty or she may not be happy with the marriage without having had an affair. Or have you and maybe she's foun d out about it or maybe she even thinks you are when you are really not. I don't mean to offend you if I had, just looking to help.

Answer 9

Your side of the story sounds like you pull your weight and you are being a good provider for your family. As they always say there are 2 sides to every story. You better begin thinking of a different way to sweep her off her feet, You are doing everything right and still not getting paid in the bedroom. That is rough. Why 3 times in March and no action since. Terrible. Ask her to go with you to a Marriage counselor and see what the issue is. If she cares about her man she will go. Good luck with that situation

Answer 10

It may be a psychological condition for her. Maybe she needs to talk to someone to help her work through some issues you are not aware she has. Sometimes it's more of an emotional as apposed to physical. There is also the chance that a change in her medication could have caused this. She needs to see a doctor about her lack of sexual drive. Just like men there is medication that can help women get back their drive too.I hope you both can figure out what is going on.

Answer 11

You had twins, she is EXHAUSTED, especially if she is nursing & the babies are not sleeping through the night. One of the best things you can do to help her is do some housework, do the dishes, vacuum, clean the bathroom! It will show her you REALLY care AND will take some of the pressure off of her worrying about getting stuff done, being too tired to do it & taking care of the kids. Start with housework, offer to cook for her one night & have her sit & relax. Even if it is just pasta & jarred sauce, she will appreciate it more than you know.
Another thing you can do is let her take a nap - take the babies out for a little while, even if you just put them in the stroller & go for a little walk, it will rejuvenate her. If she feels rested & she feels appreciated she will come around. Hey, nothing is sexier than a man doing the dishes (& scrub them!).