I'm Lost After Miscarriage?

Question

I'm at a loss as to what to do.

I suffered a miscarriage 4 weeks ago and I'm sure my partner blames me for what has happened, he doesn't want to talk to me about it and he doesn't seem at all upset.

I feel as if I am being punished as my partner was married when we first got together and we had an affair for 6 months before he left his wife for me. I am 32 and my partner is 46, he already has 3 kids from his marriage so maybe he's thinking he had a lucky escape when I miscarried this baby.

I love my partner so much and I don't want to lose him but I can feel and see him slipping away because of what has happened.

I need some help and advice and I need it now.

Answer 1

you are correct maybe he was not ready for other children and a split family as that is not good at all.

Answer 2

I too am a miscarriage survivor. I say survivor because the pain does eventually get some better and you can continue with life. It is hard to understand that men grieve differently than women do and this distance that you are feeling could just be his way of grieving. Give it some time and let him know that you love him and that whenever he is ready to talk about things you will be ready too. Healing from a miscarriage takes time and lots of it. I have two beautiful angels in heaven and each time, my husband seemed distant and a little cold for a little while, but through it all, I never doubted that he loved me. As far as this being your fault, rest assured that it was probably nothing you did that caused this tragedy. Sometimes it just happens and no one knows why. I know that it will not ease your pain for me to tell you that everything will be ok, but if this realtionship was meant to be then it will survive. Don't give up hope!

Answer 3

Losing a baby during pregnancy is a terrible thing, I have had three miscarriages and each one left me feeling like i was being punished.
Yet I'm convinced you have done nothing wrong, miscarriage is simply sometimes natures way of dealing with things. Perhaps the baby had something wrong with it and nature took action. I know i beat myself up about each miscarriage, and yes that is normal .
My husband didn't seem to be upset either, his answer was "well it happened to you, i felt no connection" No he isn't a cruel man but a practical one. In the early stages of pregnancy i think the mother is more connected and rightly so, it is only later when the end of the pregnancy is close that men seem to become involved.
Talk to each other, keep the lines of communication open. Let him know how devastated you are feeling, but try not to lay blame on anyone.
If anything you are probably feeling so insecure right now that you could be reading things the wrong way.
There are counsellors out there who will help and advise you far better than i can. Here is one link i found i hope it helps you. http://www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/433/
Good luck!

Answer 4

Honestly it sounds like he's not bothered by it especially by the fact that he has 3 kids already. Even though miscarriaging is a terrible thing to go through, he actually may be relieved that he is not havin another one.
As for feelin like u were punished, KARMA is real and what u did was wrong so maybe this is a way of your punishment.
I don't think if your partner slipping away it's because of the miscarriage. If he is then there's more to it

Answer 5

Sorry to hear of your loss. My partner had several miscarriages and we got through it together..... but...... most men wont/don't show their feelings. he probably doesn't know how to react, he maybe like lots of other people doesn't see it as a baby that's been lost and because he's insensitive can't relate to what or how you are feeling. to be honest he cant have much in the way feelings for an unborn child if he has already walked out on his 3 kids. It might help if you received some counselling to help you with your loss. In the meantime, write down in a note how you feel and let him read it, let him know you fear your losing him too, hopefully he will se sense and be there for you. good luck, always here to talk if you need to talk to somebody.

Answer 6

I had a miscarriage when I was 12 weeks along. 1/4 pregnancies will result in miscarriage. A lot of woman experience at least 1 miscarriage. My man was kind of unsensative about it too. Even though we were trying for a baby, and he seemed happy that I was pregnant. I would cry and he would hold me, but not really show much "emotion". When I told him I was bleeding(He was in the USA at the time- I am in Canada..we were talking online) he was looking up a stupid video game on the internet.....Yeah that's showing you care!!! Was the pregnancy planned? Does he want anymore children? You can't force him into it. Otherwise he's going to be very unhappy. And if you want a baby, and it sounds like you really do... this could cause problems in the relationship.

Answer 7

I guess because your partner is 46 and has 3 kids already he doesn't feel the loss that you are experiencing. I wouldn't be mad at him for it...he just doesn't understand the depth of what you have experienced. How could he? He is not you and his wants are not the same as yours. I would talk to him about the importance to you of having a child is. He might not know how much you want to be a mother. All I can say is that in a non-threatening way talk to him about how you are feeling and ask him if he wants to share that with you. Be loving and try to understand how he feels about it and if he loves you....you might just start trying for another baby. Good luck and I wish you well.

Answer 8

I understand how u feel and i had a lot of people blame me when i lost my first baby at 22 weeks. However the best thing to do is remember its NOT your fault these things happen and we never get any answers. As for your partner how he is being with you is possibly his way of dealing with it as my husband did the same until 1 night he just let it all out and shouted at me etc but after that night he was the husband i had always known. What you have to remember is people deal with grief and things differently so try and be understanding and work through it. Take care.

Answer 9

oh sweety i am so sorry. losing a much wanted baby is very hard. i went thru this 2 times and yes my partner was married at the time. the 1st pregnancy and miscarriage he was so sweet and gentle the 2nd time he was very indifferent to me. 5 years passed before i got preg again and 4 months into that preg he left me. Thank our Good Lord above i have a very healthy and happy 8 year old little boy who is the greatest joy . he fathers doesn't have anything to do with him except thru court ordered child support but we are fine. just pray, and if he leaves there is nothing you can do or say to make him stay-he is most likely not worth the tears as i found out. good luck hon. I'll be praying

Answer 10

Hi there. I suffered a miscarriage too, in January so I know what you are going though. I think you just need to sit down with him and ask him what emotions he went through with an unbiased response. Ask him open ended questions, like instead of 'do you blame me for this miscarrage, or are you happy this miscarrage happed' ask him 'how did you feel when you found out I was pregnant? What about when I had my miscarriage?' I think the only way for you to resolve this issue with your partner is to communicate how the experience impacted each of your lives. I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 11

You really need to allow your self to mourn the loss, it is normal and natural, unless you were drinking, drugging, smoking, starving yourself, horseback riding, or exercising obsessively, you did not do anything to be blamed for or feel guilt over, these things happen. It usually is for the best because there was something wrong with the baby and the development during fertilization, I would not push him to talk about it, he will bring it up when he is ready, and if he chose to be with you, try to be the person you were before you got pregnant and suffered this loss and mourn with your friends and family, he obviously doesn't want to deal with it or the emotional baggage. It's hard, but if you don't want to loose him, you need to be you again.