what do you think of this poem?

Question

Thank you

When I got you I got the world
When I got you I got it all
Never left me thirsty never cold
Since I got you, never let me fall

Two hearts, two souls became one
Knowing what I want without asking
Two minds, two bodies are one
Knowing what you think before thinking

Lonely man, lonely soul for eternity
A living body, but without a heart
Keep living on your memories for infinity
This is me, if you depart

I just want to tell you
For what you done and what you gonna do “Thank you”

Answer 1

WOW THAT WAS REALLY GOOD !!!♥☻☺ how did u get that omg that was powerful and made me lean into the poem !!! U ROCKED IT GURL!!!♥♥♥♥ well good luck and hope u make more

Answer 2

I think it is a good youth's poem. You've experimented with rhyme, structure, and composition. You're weak in the originality area, but if you have a limited exposure to poetry, then you might not realize that many of these concepts are...well..."well worn".

However, that being said, it wasn't too bad, actually. You need to maintain a voice, though. You can't say "two souls became one" in one line and "gonna" in another. If the voice is of someone with a mature understanding of love, it has to maintain that voice; if the voice is to be truthful to a youthful tone, then it needs to sound that way throughout the poem.

Next: punctuation. "When I got you I got the world"...okay, but it would be better written as "When I go you, I got the world!" EXCLAIM! Show some Chutzpah! are you bored as you write the words, or do you want to shout it out so everyone can hear it? Do you want to run it all together like: whenigotyouigottheworld? No, so you use a comma to put a pause in there, just as you would in normal speech. Punctuation is important, not just for good grammar, but so that the reader understands how "you" meant the line to be read, how you intended for it to "sound". Punctuation is to poetry like measures, rests, crescendos and pianisimos are to sheet music.

Finally, speak in complete sentences...don't leave words out just so they fit a meter or beat, unless they fully retain a normalcy to them: "for what you done and what..." what? "you done"? nope...you can say "what you have done", but NOT just "you done".

That's enough critique for one sitting. Edit it, read it, have someone else read it to you out loud, then edit it again until it reads as if you were actually speaking the words...and make sure you use punctuation to tell the readers who you want your poem to be read and sound.

Meanwhile, keep writing, you've got a good ear and only need more practice...practice, practice, practice :)

Answer 3

The phone rang.
I put down my poem.

I got another email

Mom said dinner was ready

If I don't clean the cat litter or
walk the dog...she's going to kill me

Not really

My bf texted me
and again and again and
I texted back

It's a verb, idiot
we've created a verb
whatever

idk

what do you want to do?
idk
you?

Today this guy I like
walked by me in the mall
right by victoria's secret
I mean
he must like me
if he walked by me there,
right?

it wasn't wendy's or anything
i mean it's different, right?

then the phone rang
and i put down my poem again.

i guess i just wasn't into it.
love is so intense.
time is so yesterday.

what are you wearing tomorrow?

thanks for listening
i'd listen to you, too,
in between the noise

i was writing this poem
two hearts, two souls
right
thanks
shame on me
any day now i'll hear where i am accepted

Answer 4

One quick comment to start, last line please fix it:

For what you done and what you gonna do “Thank you”

Should be:

For what you've done and what you're going to do "Thank you"

Also, I think that you may want to try to be less predictable here (not trying to be harsh). Think about it, two hearts, two souls became one...I've heard that before. I know you have. Work on saying things that no one else has heard before.

I'm sure you can do it just push yourself.

Take care and keep writing.

Answer 5

I was a Nomi for the Poerty Ambassador For the Month Of April " National poetry Month " i came in second because i failed to write another poem or something, but anyway I find you poem really good, but always make sure your poem is original

Answer 6

Sounds like a long winded greeting card.

Answer 7

well its good. I know i wouldn't be able to do a poem like that because i suck at it but i think that u should change somethings, its good to rhyme but i dnt rlly like one like "since i got you, never let me fall" i know wat ur trying to say and all but i dnt know ijsut think u could probably find something better since u seem to be really good at it :) well i hope i helped.

Answer 8

Awww! I think I'm going to die of a sugar overdose.

Answer 9

Nice poem indeed.

Answer 10

damn , are you tyring to have me fall in love with you ? if so keep writing like that . very good