Husband says I'm spoiling 4 month old?

Question

Now before everyone tells me you can't spoil a 4 month old, please read my whole situation. I agree, you can't spoil a 4 month old. That said, my husband thinks I am spoiling ours. We've been trying to get our baby to take a bottle so I can pump one every now and then and my husband and I can go on dates. A few nights ago my husband was feeding the baby from the bottle and our baby was having a hard time taking it. Our baby just hasn't gotten it down yet, in my opinion. It ended up taking him 3 hours just to get him to eat half a bottle while the baby cried the whole time and I cried in the other room listening on the baby monitor. My husband told me if the baby wouldn't take the bottle, he wasn't going to eat that night, which would mean the baby would be skipping two feedings. He put the baby to bed and said if I fed him that he would never try to give him a bottle again. Of course I caved and fed him. He got mad and said I don't let him be a parent and I override everything he tries

What I want to know is how in the world can I compromise with my husband so he still feels like I take his feelings into consideration? He's never been around babies until now and he keeps asking me if I'm always going to treat our son this way. I tell him no, that babies and children are different, but he doesn't understand.

Answer 1

Wow --okay, what we have here is a dad with little or not confidence.

It's completely wrong to deny a 4-month-old baby food. I think it would actually qualify as child abuse, so good for you for feeding the baby.

But your husband should be commended for wanting to parent and wanting to be able to feed the baby. There are a lot of things that might have gone wrong when your husband tried to feed the baby. If he was too tense, the baby would be tense as well. If he was holding the baby in an uncomfortable position for the baby, the baby wouldn't be calm enough to eat. The bottle could have been at the wrong temperature, the nipple could be too "slow" for a baby that size (I had no idea there were different "sizes" of nipples, but there are-- newborn, 0-3, 3-6, which control how fast the baby can suckle), or it could be a shape and texture that the baby doesn't like.

The easiest thing to do is to start with the bottle and make sure that the milk is body temperature (like it is when it comes from you) and that the nipple is right. Your husband may also need to experiment with how he is holding the baby. My father-in-law always puts his feet up on a footstool so that his thighs kind of make a slanted surface, props the baby there facing him, and then makes lots of eye contact and talks to the baby while feeding. My husband adopted this same position when he fed our kids bottles, although he also would hold them in the traditional crook-of-the-arm fashion once in a while, but the face-to-face on the thighs thing always worked best for him.

The other thing that you can and should do is build your husband's confidence in his ability to parent. It's tough those first months when we moms are nursing and have all that bonding with the baby that we can kinda read the kid's mind. Dads can feel really left out. What you should do is ask your husband's opinion about parenting things -- "Do you think he needs a new diaper? Do you think these toys are stimulating his brain development enough?" You get the idea. As often as you can, discuss these issues with your husband and show respect for his opinion by following his suggestions or ideas.

Also, you should look for things that your husband does better with the baby than you do and point that out. My kids always seemed to calm down when they heard my husband's deeper and more mellow voice, for example, and my husband was better about showing the kids "the world" instead of just cuddling them close like I tend to do. Kids need both, to be sure, but your husband might need some encouragement in the areas where he excels.

Also, you can rely on the old "The doctor says..." and "The books say...." bit, so it's not you vs. your husband, but you and him listening to experts and trying to do the right thing.

Answer 2

What happened is the bottle nipple is so different than the bottle your baby was having a hard time using it. Try other bottle tops to see which one your son prefers. Your husband is I'm sure having a hard time adjusting to being a dad like most new parents are. I'm sure he didn't mean what he said. Just try to encourage him to help with the new bottles. Show your husband how to hold your son more like you do when you nurse him. It might be that it's all a combination of things that prevented your son from using the bottle. At this point in your son's life it's hard to "parent" him so I'm not sure what your husband meant by you don't let him be a parent. I would also suggest talking to someone maybe there is a good friend that had the same issues with her husband that she can offer advise. If your husband is up for it a family therapist does sound like something that could help too.
Good Luck.....I have 5 of my own and I nursed all of them so I understand the struggles of going from breast to bottle and back and forth.

Answer 3

In this case your husband is totally in the wrong. He means well, but he needs to understand that a 4 month old cannot be punished into doing things. You need to feed your baby, it's not your baby's fault he hasn't learned how to use a bottle yet. He's not being willfully disobedient, he just doesn't understand.

I really don't think your husband is simply being a jerk, I think he doesn't understand babies and it's frustrating him. He obviously wants to be a good father (because he's taking part) but he probably doesn't understand that little babies are very different from toddlers. If he hasn't been around a lot of babies it's an easy misunderstanding to have.

It sounds like you might need to bring in an expert on this one to help your husband learn about different child developmental stages - maybe a doctor or older relative with lots of experience with kids?

Also, maybe there are other ways you can help your husband feel like he has more say in the parenting process. It makes sense he would feel left out since you're doing all the mothering this early in the child's life (mainly breastfeeding) so maybe find other way to include him more.

Answer 4

Boy you do have a problem, Please tell your husband a baby can't reason in the way he thinks. Making a baby cry for his food for three hours . This is called child abuse. At this point its not about him its about the child. A baby cry's when something is wrong and it up to you and him as parents to fine out what he is upset about. A tip about your bottle feeding change nipples and bottles if need be. Try a preemie nipple it's softer and feels more like mom. Even if you breast feed i think all moms should have there babies take a bottle. What if mom gets sick or call away you need a back up and its called the bottle.

Answer 5

Have you tried the playtex bottles with the nipples that make transition from breast to bottle easier. Also your baby will not eat if your husband is frustrated with him. Babies have to eat and well live in a comfortable enviroment. If your husband gets frustrated he should put the baby down and walk out of the room. If you want your husband to understand just keep doing what your doing and tend to your baby. Don't just explain to your husband but, show him how to cope with the baby. If he sees you working with the baby and how calm the baby is he might get a better understanding on the whole situation.

Answer 6

What I did was show some articles on it in magazines, so my husband knew I wasnt full of it! First, tell him you love him and your instincts as a mother are very strong. You need to do what you think is right for your baby and it's very hard when your husband can't understand. You can always go to a movie and come home feed the baby and then go to dinner.... Husbands tend to get jealous of the babies, especially when breast feeding. Just have a talk with him, then give him a little more special attention by a back rub or romantic outfit in bed.. etc. GOOD LUCK and CONGRATS ON YOUR NEW BABY!

Answer 7

No offense but your husband is being a butt. Tell him to skip two feedings!!! If your baby is having a hard time maybe try some differenct types of nipples. My son has a really hard time with the clear sylicone nipples he did better with the laytex ones that are softer and easier to suck on. See if that helps any. But don't let him go without feedins he will get dehydrated. Your husband needs to grow up and learn that the "I'll show you" attitude doesn't work in parenting, especially on a four month old that doesn't know any different. And if your husband keeps that us what is he going to tell the dr. when he wonders why your baby isn't gaining any weight.

Answer 8

You can't spoil a 4 month old baby. Period! :) Feeding him when he's hungry isn't spoiling him - that's nurturing him! That's teaching him that his needs are important. That's teaching him to trust. That's teaching him he's loved!

Now, introducing a bottle at 4 months may be tricky. You may have to try several different brands, several different types of nipples (though I'd stick with the Stage 1 type initially - even though breastfeeding is well established, he could still decide a fast-flow nipple is easier than getting it from the tap!). And he may *never* learn to take a bottle. But there are alternative ways of getting him milk. It's not too early to see if he might take a sippy cup. You might even try a regular cup (held by a caregiver, of course) - my little one was eager to drink out of a big people cup around that age. You could even try giving him the milk on a spoon.

Maybe a parenting class would be appropriate for the two of you?

Answer 9

First you are not spoiling that child just cause you want to feed the child. . .that is called being a mother with you natural mothering instincts. . .your husband although is going through his own male version of post pardon depression. . . yeah it is not just women that get it, if your husband is use to being spoiled by you and now there is a baby to compete with the attention that he is use to, that is his problem. . .the only thing that you can do is keep trying with your son. . .Gerber makes a bottle that has the nipple shaped as close to a breast nipple as possible. . .also try warming up the nipple before you feed him, just cause the milk is warm doesn't mean that the nipple is. . .Don't feel bad about caving and feeding your child though. . .he is just a baby and needs to be fed wether by bottle or you. . .

Answer 10

well, first of all why wouldnt the baby take bottle! Yes, some babies never do, but keep trying.. Try a wide version of the bottle you are using. And a faster nipple ( if your letdown is fast, he's not goign to settle for a slow nipple.. he has to work harder, and won't have that! he'll get upset ) .. Get a bottle that most resembles the breast..

Your husband is a little out of his mind making your child skip feedings... It's not the baby's fault that breastfeeding is all he knows... Thats crazy.. You need to tell your husband to calm down and the baby wil get it.. it takes time...