would you tolerate this?

Question

I'm 4 month pregnant and was due to get married to my fiance who is 28 (I'm 36) in August this changed to October now he wants December-when i'm about to give birth!We don't live together but plan to when we marry.He works and studies hard-studying to be an accountant and works as a carer which involves 1-3 sleepovers a week. up to now I have had to go to first scan and antenatals alone, which i didn't want to do, but he was 'busy'. I have an antenatal appt next week where he was needed to give blood *** I have an antibody which puts baby at high risk. His blood type could mean that the baby is protected but he can't make it...expects me to rearrange it. Even though this baby was planned I feel like a single parent. I'm the one planning, getting baby stuff together, buying it too etc and he only seems interested in himself, his studies, how it affects him and his dreams, even when i feel ill with sickness etc I get no sympathy I get told to get on with it, Am I stupid to stay?

Answer 1

I am so sorry you are having this happen to you, especially since you and him planned this new life. As an accountant with a master of Science in Taxation myself, I can tell you that the rigors of studying do sometimes interfere with your personal life.

However the one thing he needs to learn is that balance between family life, work life and school life. I had to learn that when I was your age as my wife and I had 4 children.

So as I see it there are two possibilities. First he really is under a lot of stress and his schedule is really full right now. Or he is setting you up to dump you.

I think it is the latter personally. He gives every indication that he is a scrooge who believes his career is the most important thing in life, more important than his family.

I am sorry if this upsets you. I didn't mean to do that. In any case congradulations on your little one.

Answer 2

I got married 8 years ago and obviously lived with my hubby while I went through my pregnancy, He didn't always come to my classes he couldn't always get the time off from work and couldn't afford to be off.
He did have to be there for all of our blood tests as we had IVF, I'm A resus negative,
he's B positive so I had to have anti d injections after birth
(That and I am a bossy tart!)
No he wasn't always sympathetic when I felt ill but then, unless you have been pregnant not being mean here to any men (or women that haven't been) at all but you honestly have no idea!
I think you need to sit him down have a serious long talk about what YOU want from this relationship and then what HE wants maybe you should let him go first as then you have an idea of what's going on in his mind.
Maybe he's scared it's all coming on a bit to quick,Marriage ,baby house, It's a lot to take on board in a few months, especially when you are used to being apart so much.
I still get days when I wonder Why am I here doing this, stuck at home, no car 2 1/2 year old twins that a mad little monsters, but then I know I Love my Hubby and I know he Loves me. (Maybe that's More of the issue) Talk to him he may have no idea this is how he makes you feel Good luck!!!

Answer 3

no your not. babies aren't real until they arrive to most men. you have this baby inside you and you've bonded already. men don't appreciate what a huge thing being pregnant is and the extra support you expect, quite rightly. my partner got pregnancy apathy with me. oh great your tired, sick, not up for sex etc he'd ask me if he really needed to come to the appointments because didn't i know how busy he was at work? your life has changed already, but men get an extra 9 months before reality sinks in. i was trying to get him to buy baby stuff and he would just moan about how expensive it was. i worked until 7 months as well but if i complained i was tired working full time and looking after him and 2 other kids he'd just say i should try working his job as he did 10 hours and i only did 7! now my daughter is here (she's 4 months old) he's fantastic. she was born with an arm and hand deformity which wasn't picked up before birth and the way he's handled it has been amazing. she's his little princess and although he still has to work hard and long and i still sometimes feel like a single parent (as i was for 9 years) he's doing the hours for her and for me so i can stay at home with her. your bound to be feeling a bit put out by his attitude as pregnancy makes you more sensitive and you want him to be as involved as you are, but give him time. it started to click with my bloke when he felt the baby move. good luck x

Answer 4

No i wouldn't tolerate it but i wouldn't leave him. Put your foot down and let him know who's boss (you can do that when your pregers). Women are better at buying and planning things for new baby's so don't worry about that. Try found out why he keeps putting the wedding off and if he still wants to marry you and let it clear to him that you don't want to get married when your about to pop and let him know it's upsetting you. When your ill you'll never get sympanty from a fella but when it's them they go on like it's the end of the world and they think their dieing. The most serious thing here is your baby and he needs to go to the hospital to get checked, he is just being selfish and i don't know why he doesn't seem to care. Try your best to get him there and also ask him how he feels about it, becoming a dad can be scary for a man too but they always try hid it. Sit down and have a good chat with him about how yous are both feeling get it all off your chest and hopfully you can get this sorted and have the wedding you deserve and good luck with the baby xxx

Answer 5

Not stupid to stay, but I definately ouldnt ge married to him or move in with him until he shapes up, and you notice dramatic changes. If he is so neglectful towards you, then more than likely he will be just as neglectful if not more towards the baby, and thats not fair! Dont tie yourslef down legally if you arent happy. Look down the road 10 years and where do you see the two of you? Put your foot down, and lwet him know how you feel. Stop giving affection, so as to give him a taste of his own medicine. When he wants to hang out because it's finally "convenient" for him to give you some of his oh so precious time, tell him you already made plans. You be too busy for him for a change. That really gets their wheels turning. Stop inviting him to th ante natal appointments, he'll catch on. Make him chase you! Guys are all about the chase!

Answer 6

It's not so much that you shouldn't stay with him, because obviously this is a confusing and stressful time for both of you...and I hate to say it but often the whole baby concept is difficult for some men to grasp during pregnancy, particularly before you start showing and before baby really starts kicking where he can feel/see it...and even then it is MUCH more real to you. I'm not saying this excuses him, just letting you know what probably is (or in this case, isn't) going on in his head. You need to have a serious talk with him...whether he likes it or not A BABY IS COMING IN DECEMBER IF NOT EARLIER, whether he likes it, whether he
s prepared, whether you're married, whether he goes to these appointments. INSIST upon having things your way...not in a b*tchy way, but just let him know that this is his child which he planned to have and some sacrifices have to be made by him, not just you. This isn't his "last hurrah" to be carefree...that ended the day you got that positive test, the same as it did for you (only women seem to understand that more often than men do, because of the huge changes we have to make in our lifestyle and body). If he can't do this or remains unreasonable, tell him to grow up because he sounds entirely too immature for you. Good luck!

Answer 7

You are on your own I am afraid....
If you don't live together but decided to have a baby together what on earth were you both thinking.
The baby is here now...so it needs a change of tactic, Before you make an awful mistake and marry this uncarring sod, you need to wake up and smell the coffee!!!! people don't change at the alter you know...this is as good as it gets....you could try councelling, relationship etc....but it sounds as though if you stay with him you will always be on your own.
My ex husband was exactly the same...I did everything on my own...it took 15 miserable years and 2 kids for the penny to drop that he only is interested in himself...don't let this happen to you.
Get a good social network around yourself, don't stop him seeing you or the baby, but make a life for yourself.
Don't phone him to come round....do your own thing....actually this is the best way to show him that you are an idependant, freethinking woman, if he wants you he will have to make such an effort, as you will be constantly busy doing things...WON'T YOU??? The age difference does not help either...he wants to be young free and single...and your clock has been ticking...know what I mean???
let him get on with his study...it seems as though that is what he wants more than anything....and you go and start a new life my darling...there will be a nice man out there that will come with you to the hospital.... conebtrate on you and the baby,,,and start to enjoy the preganancy without him.SORRY

Answer 8

At first, it sounded like he was being a ***, but it might just be his way of preparing. He's making sure everything is ready for the baby financially.

The wedding thing though isn't fair. Explain to him that baby's are like royal mail, you can't predict the EXACT day they'll turn up! I was born 4 weeks early. My friends nephew was 6 weeks early! A baby CAN be born from 24weeks and have a good rate of survival!
You also need to be settled wherever you'll be living together way earlier than December! You have cots and changing mats and all sorts to buy! and it won't be fair on you to be like 8 and a half months pregnant and putting up drawers and cots!

The giving blood instead of coming to the scan was also unfair. He's maybe just scared by things. You know what guys are like, they can't actually ADMIT their feelings! :)

I'm sure everything is fine and he's just as excited and worried as you, but handling it differently to you. Just speak to him, explain your worries and fears. Also explain to him about the wedding. Just tell him you feel like it's going to be too near to the birth.

Congrats and good luck!

Answer 9

My answer is entirely based on my experiences, Face this on your own, be prepared that you have to do everything by yourself, know it and accept it and then if he comes round to the idea and starts being more supportive its a bonus, if he doesnt you will be prepared. If you can focus on going it alone, you will have an easier and more enjoyable pregnancy. I spent my last pregnancy driving 700 miles each way to see my baby's dad, who decided to go away when i was 5 weeks pregnant. I made the journey 4 times in 5 months. My friend advised me to accept i was alone, but i didnt, I wanted him around and have worked really hard to make it happen. My daughter is now 2 and he dips in and out of our lives. It would have been less stressful and i would have been less tired if i accepted his lack of input from the start and just focussed on my pregnancy and me. I dont blame you for staying with him, i fully understand. Its just in hindsight i would have intended to go it alone and saved myself a lot of heartache. He spends more time with her now she is older. I think a lot of men just cant come to terms with it until they actually see the baby and even then it can take a while. Call in your female friends and family for support if you can, other male friends might be able to support too. In my opinion its just not worth wasting your time and energy on him and wishing things were different, this should be a time of anticipation and joy (and for many of us, concern and nervousness too! its not all hearts and roses being pregnant or a new mum). Just ask for help from people who want to and can help you.

Good luck.x

Answer 10

It doesn't look good.

If this is all the support you are getting now, then it's doubtful it will get better once the baby arrives. The sleepovers will stop when the night feeds begin, and he will then be living a seperate life.

Sorry, no I wouldnt tolerate it, and I woudnt be getting married to him. Perhaps you at 36 are ready for it, but clearly at 28 he is not.