Help.. Boyfriend is in no hurry to marry me.?

Question

O.K my boyfriend and I have been together almost 8 years. We have 2 children together. I am 31 and he is 36. I love him dearly but I am at the point where he needs to decide if he is in this for the long haul. If not... let me know. Do you think 8 years and 2 children later is enough time to decide if I am worth marrying? Is it selfish of me to make him decide? I feel stupid coming on here and venting but, I hate to bring our family/friends into our relationship. It will be nice to get outside opinions. The thing is... we are not even engaged so, when I introduce him... I have to say my boyfriend!

I am going to talk to him about it... I just wanted a outside point of few. Just to make sure I am not out of line here. I know marriage is not going to make things better/worse and it is just a piece of paper. If you look at all of it...we might as well be married, on his insurance, bank acct, life insurance...the whole 9 yards. My thing is the whole commitment of knowing he is indeed in it for the long hall. Also, we do go to church every Sunday. Should we have had children before we got married?? Probley not...but my children are here and I wouldn't change that for anything.

Also... I don't want my son thinkinghe can get some girl pregnant and never commit to her. I for sure don't want my daughter to think it is ok to get pregnant before marriage. I wouldn't want the guy not to marry her...

Thanks Everyone... When he gets back from his business trip... We are going to set a date!!!

Answer 1

Eight years and two kids later... prolly if something happened you or he would be referred to as the 'fiancee' or 'fiance' (most newspeople don't know the difference), but in any case.. whenever I read about such happenings in the paper, I just think "SHACK UP"

I have had 2 marriages go south, one my fault, one the other guy's fault. I'm not going to get married again.

However, I am in favor of some sort of agreement that might be renewable in 5 years... Sort of a contract like marriage, but not recognized by the state.

Your kids.. if they are in fact his, you should be absolutely sure that he will admit they are his and he will take responsibility if anything should happen to you... That way, he will also be committed to pay child support when he walks (and he will).

Ha!! try introducing him not as your boyfriend, but "Hello, I'd like to introduce you to the father of my kids.. this is Sam". That ought to rattle him.

Answer 2

In all honesty, at this point if you were going to marry him...the only difference would be that little piece of paper. After 8 years and 2 kids, he should have popped the question. In my opinion he should have popped it when you had your first child together...but then again, that's just me.

If you really want to get married, just talk to him about it...or hint around to it. If he doesn't pop the question, then just ask him. He may have commitment issues and is afraid of being tied down. If you have a good thing going on, and he doesn't want to get married right away then it's up to you if you want to stay in this relationship. But if you really want to get married and finally feel "settled", then make it known that that's what you want. Let him know how much you care about him, but if he doesn't commit you're going to have to move on b/c that's not how you want to live your life.

Answer 3

check you local marriage laws and you might be surprised to find out you are already married. In most states there is a common law marriage when a couple have been living together for a certain period of time. If this is true, show him the law and tell him that from now on you are introducing him as your husband. Also tell him that since the two of you are already married, you would like a small cermony for friends and family. Good Luck.

Answer 4

To be brutally honest you already gave him the luxury of not being in a hurry. Eight years, two children he pretty much knows he's already got what he wants. Now I can't tell you if hes commintment phobic or what only U know that. But what I can tell U is U need to do what feels right to you. If getting married is what you desire (and I would say think long and hard about that its not all its cracked up to be) give him the option not and ultimatium. If he decides thats not for him move on and let him move on maybe its for the best for both of you. If not you have been living this long without a licence and letting him think your his without commitment just keep on doing it.

Answer 5

First off, don't give him an ultimatum unless you are ready for the reprecusions. It may not go the way you want it too. 8 yrs and 2 kids?? Parden the way this is put, but you have let him wait this long and now you're worried about it.
If it bothers you that much you and him need to sit down and you need to let him know this is something that really bothers you now, and be sure you know yourself why it does now and didnt then. Talk to him not at him and listen to what he has to say. That means no tv on and you actually have time for you just the 2 of you to talk.
Good luck

Answer 6

This is something you need to discuss with him. If it means this much to you he should care about you enough to make this committment. Maybe he's seen a lot of bad marriages, but it seems 8 years and 2 children is a long time to decide whether you two are right for each other. If marriage is something vastly important to you and nothing to him, you need to find this out now. And if besides the ring, you two are perfectly happy, why do you care so much? If it is just what other people think, remember, your life, your happiness, no one else's.

Answer 7

You deserve better. I'm sure he's overall great guy, good father, etc. but it doesn't take someone 8 yrs to figure out if they want to marry someone or not. Marriage is not rocket science. It has its ups and downs, but if he's currently playing house with you, then what's one more step?

Have you mentioned the "m" word to him before? If so, look back on his reactions. It sounds like he's gotten comfortable and maybe thinks that you'd never leave him.

You're definitely not selfish. You've birthed him TWO babies, that's the least he could do is marry you.

Answer 8

I think your about seven years and two kids to late. He's "got the milk, why should he buy the cow" so to speak and, excuse me for the crude example but, it's the truth and that's what I told my daughter whom is in the same position.

I would at least think about a legal paper should something happen to him, so the children are protected and explain to him these marriages are no longer considered legal and binding, if he wants to live single, then so are you. Ask him when your night out is so he can watch the kids, that are his, your going to be looking for a father for them, one who wants to get married. Then find a girl friend to go out with.

My daughter is in this vary position.

Answer 9

It really is time for him to decide now. I understand that some people are slow to commit, but come on, you have 2 children together. I think he needs to decide what he wants and stick with it. He either decides to marry you, or he leaves. At the momment he is like a squatter with no roots. He needs to understand that you cannot sit around waiting for him to get a life.

Answer 10

I would talk to my boyfriend, but I don't promise it's going to be easy.
You will probably hear things that won't please you, such as 'You knew from the beginning that I am not the marriage type, etc", but hang in there, and let him 'digest' it for the next round which you should initiate soon thereafter.
If he will NEVER go to the next level, or says so after let's say 3-6 months of your constant gentle nagging, then you need to decide whether you want to be in this 'sort' of relationship any longer.
He will probably re-consider once he sees that you are serious about it.
But please stick to your guns because living in such a misery won't do you or your family any good.