Is she still my best friend?

Question

I've known S since 7th grade (about 13 years ago) by 9th grade we were inseparable. Fast forward to HS graduation, I go off to a univ. in upstate NY, she goes off to univ. in Wisconsin. We were great at keeping in touch. She started dating a guy senior year (whom I accidentally introduced her to...long story) and they've been together ever since. We've had many a fight about how much I hate him, how badly he treats her and etc. She would just blow me off about it and wouldn't listen. They're still together, I guess I've just chosen to live with it. But I really think, subconsciously, that HE is the downfall to our relationship. We hardly talk anymore, maybe twice a month, a little more. She won't come visit me and I can't visit her due to lack of funds. We haven't seen each other since April. We catch each other in the rare times we're both home in NY. It's really unfortunate and I don't want to lose her but I don't know what to do anymore. Can I still consider her my best friend?

Let me clarify...she's been dating him since we were 17. We've already jumped the hurdle of her crappy boyfriend. We just have lost touch since we both went away to school and such, I'm 21, we're both seniors in college. So I just don't know what to do at this point, I don't ever want to lose her but sometimes when I'm upset about something and want to talk to her, I can't because we've been so distant she'd have no clue what I'm talking about. How can I jumpstart our friendship?

Answer 1

Well, you two had passed a lot of things and had been a lot of time together. That should weigh more than distance (for you at least, that is. It worths it). She's not still your best friend, but that's nothin' you can't change. Probably she feels the same 'bout ya, but she doesn't say it or either she doen't knows how to do it (just as you). You can begin there. Ask her how does she feel about it.

Personally, I'd suggest to do it face to face. If for any reason you need to go to NY, speak with her, but first of all, ask how is she doing. Get and answer beyond "fine, thanks" and begin with a casual conversation. Above all: be sincere. Tell her that you are there 'cause you miss her and you want to sort out all this. Due she was the offended one of all this situation she could be tense or reluctant, but if you are sincere and she values you, it is very posible she agrees. She may also miss you, but block out the mere thought. Besides, all that fight passed along time ago, and as you say, is more the distance than the fight.

Hereafter, you can speak about him, and you can listen and do some comments to her, makeing sure they're not aggressive in any way. Make her know that you had accepted her decision though you do not agree. That's what friends are, are they not?? People that accepts you and your decisions even if they don't agree; people that are honest and tell you what's their opinion, but accepts yours. Do this ONLY if you know you can handle it without any fights. (I'm assuming she's still with him). If you are not sure about this, then it doesn't matter. You can leave it for later, when your relationship becomes stronger. It won't be easy, but a few e-mail (and I'm not speaking of forwards, I'm speaking of mails when ya ask how she is and tell her something 'bout you), telephonic calls or some cards can make her know that you're still there; that you do not like this separation. If she doesn't know more 'bout ya, then make her know.

Real friends should be stronger than a silly fight and the separation of time and space. Hey! I'm sure that so many years must mean something. If you two can stand over this, you'll be one of the true few friends that we find across life. There's chance, as in everythig, but it whorths it, doesn't it??

Answer 2

Well if you still consider her your best friend, you need to let her do what she wants even if you do not agree, but when times get rough for her you need to be there for her. You know that saying friends forever no matter what. Well this is a no matter what situation.

the whole distant thing does not matter my best friend of 15 years lived in Germany, Hawaii and to this day we could not be any closer. That is what i call a friendship.

Answer 3

No, unfortunately, you can not.

If she *is* the victim of an abuser, he is the one at fault. Abusers generally try to isolate their victims from their friends & family. Contact her family to see if her contact with them has followed a similar pattern with them. If it hasn't, that will be the ego blow - she will have limited her contact with you because you have stressed how much you hate the guy she's with and she either doesn't want to deal with your grousing, or doesn't want to be the one to give you stress.

Try to find something nice about him, if only that he makes her happy. Then try to find something else, then something else, etc... List them next to/against the list of reasons you hate him (and be honest about the reasons).

If she's not being abused...be happy for her, and try to not be a Negative Nelly.

Answer 4

time and distance do really affect friendships. your friend has another world now with her boyfriend. maybe the only thing you can do is to just accept her relationship and to keep off their relationship because no matter how good your intentions are, she will stand by her choice of a man. the friendship is still there, so keep the communication open.

Answer 5

well she's just hurt I guess...she's mad at you and probably doesn't want to be best friends but close friends
try talking to her? just clear out the issues and don't say anything abt the guy it'll make it worse

Answer 6

try talking to her and telling her how you feel,it'll probably bring you guys closer and then you can start healing the rift in your relationship with your friend.