Normally I try to abstain from this but I'm having serious writers block lately and I'm trying to finish some editing so I can move on to another chapter. Anyone have some suggestions? Serious responses only please.
A soft rustling caused Upenyu to cease his forward motion and remain still. He listened intently, his efforts appearing as sweaty folds of skin pushed together between a squinting brow and two flared nostrils. Again there was a moment of rustling, and then nothing. The sound had come from behind him, and now was the time to strike, his bones assured.
2007-07-26 15:43:15 · 6 answers · asked by all work and no play 5 in Education & Reference ➔ Words & Wordplay
A soft rustling caused Upenyu to cease his forward motion. ["and remain still" is redundant] He listened intently, his effort appearing as sweaty folds of skin, etc. [He's doing one thing, listening, so effort, not efforts.] "... and flared nostrils." No need to say "two nostrils", unless this is sci-fi and there are animals that have more than that. "Again there was a moment..." Personally, I just don't like using forms of "to be" when there's some action going on. Better to me to say something like "Again he heard rustling, and then nothing."
"The sound had come from behind him and his bones assured him that he should strike now." Otherwise, the bones phrase seems rather disconnected from the rest of it.
2007-07-26 16:17:30 · answer #1 · answered by gehme 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
a) you do not listen with your brow. Maybe it should read "he listened intently, and furrowed his forehead as sweaty folds etc. . ."
/Assured/ seems random as the last word. It is not weighty enough. How about: "The sound HAD come from behind him and his bones told him instinctively that 'this was the time to strike'"
2007-07-26 22:53:02 · answer #2 · answered by thisbrit 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The 'his bones assured' sounds out of place at the end. I would cut that out and leave the rest. Sounds good.
2007-07-26 22:52:55 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oooo I love writing stories.
If I knew more about the story then I could help out more.
but... I think you should build up suspence.
Then like make it a cat or something small and harmless like that :P
Maybe you can message me with the rest of the story and I'll help more if you'd like more help.
2007-07-26 22:52:38 · answer #4 · answered by Libertina Gimm 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like all but the last sentence. "His bones assured" doesn't make sense to me. How about, "....now was the time to strike, all his senses attuned to the danger he was about to face."
2007-07-26 23:11:41 · answer #5 · answered by gldjns 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
whats wrong with it? it sounds fine to me
2007-07-26 22:48:19 · answer #6 · answered by kittypurplegirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋