Why is it that every fight my husband and I have...?

Question

ends in him saying, "Fine, then just divorce me then." Or "Fine, let's just get a divorce." We just got married 5 months ago. He's the one that asked me. I'm in this for the long run. I would rather talk out our problems. Should I be concerned, or is this just something normal people say whe they're married and heated. I'm 24 and he's 30.

Answer 1

I hate to admit this but I do that exact thing to my husband sometimes and vice versa. I believe its because were fighting and we need to feel that we are loved and it seems to be the way to show were serious. Honestly you need to figure out what it is you argue over mostly (most likely sex or money) that way you can resolve the arguments instead of his way of trying to see how far "it" (the reason for arguing would make you go." Most likely he's just trying to end the argument not the relationship. So don't worry bout it as much-trust me, sometimes I say STUPID stuff too! He loves you or else he wouldn't argue, he'd just "pretend" he didn't hear you. BTW We have only been married since 4-27-07. but that whole "Leave/Divorce me bit" has been going on for awhile, He's not being immature, he just wants to make sure thats not why the argument started in the first place"to make him/you feel justified to leave" hope it all works out, Remember marriage is a constant job you have WORK to make it work! Good Luck!

Answer 2

Often people say they want divorce when arguing because it is a strategy for dealing with the issue -believe it or not!
It is a very unhealthy and certainly ineffective strategy because all your husband is really saying is that;
'I cannot fight about this any more. I want to shut down, I can no longer deal with it.'
At the time he has reached his limit and he can no longer cope. He thinks that walking away from the marriage will solve the problem. It won't because when he has calmed down I doubt that he still feels that way.
Often couples say, 'I don't care anymore anyway' or something like that. They cannot see the dispute through to the end and want to take a short cut but shutting down and trying to close off their heart.
Never act on his impulse when he says the word 'divorce'. You need to let him know that you are not giving up on the marriage or him, no matter how bad things may seem at times. Reassure him that you are only fighting with him because you care, and that you would much rather have discussions with him. It is when both people opt out of the relationship that the relationship fails.
Seek some couple counselling.
Another thing, he may not realise that he is doing it, but he may be subconsciously 'testing' you to see if you will actually agree to his pleas for a divorce. I think that if you actually said 'yes' then he would quickly back track and take back what he said.
A word of advice. Since he is being the immature one to throw the threat of divorce in your face, if you love him and want to stay together, you have to be strong and not fall into the trap of agreeing to a divorce- even if they are just words.
He needs to learn the seriousness of what he is saying, that love and marriage is not a game.
There is a saying, I'm sure you've heard it;
'Careful what you wish for..'

Good luck

Answer 3

He's insecure. First and foremost, even when you are mad at him and fighting, you MUST let him know that divorce is NOT what you want. Maybe he just needs some reassurance from you. He may not be used to fighting and thinks that you really DO want to divorce him and that you're just fighting with him to make him know that. May be the farthest from the truth, but that just may be how he feels. My suggestion is that when he says something like that, ask him straight out, "Is that what YOU want?" Maybe it is. Maybe he's looking for a way out. Then if he says "No" then go from there. Ask him why, if he doesn't want a divorce, would he think that you do?
The one great piece of advice I can give any new couple or old couple is this: Learn the art of the argument. Learn how to argue without name calling and threats. Its important in a relationship to argue and fight once in a while. If you let things build up, you'll eventually break. Its healthy to fight it out. But you still need to "talk" about these things too. Maybe its stupid, but try sitting down and writing to each other what bothers you, then address them in a calm state of mind. You'd be amazed how much easier it is to write something and then discuss it, than to just shout at each other. My husband and I have done this over and over again, and we've been together for over 12 years.

Answer 4

I would be concerned. I believe what people say is very important. He may not mean it now but if he keeps saying it, he may end up meaning it. Divorce should not be considered except in extremely bad circumstances, so it isn't a good idea to bring it up every time you have a fight.

Sounds like your husband is insecure and immature. Maybe he's afraid you'll leave him so he's trying to defend himself with a "preemptive strike." Plus women tend to be more verbally skilled when it comes to arguing, so "just divorce me" may be the best he feels he can come up with and he just doesn't know how to handle the conflict.

I recommend marriage counseling and going to church together (if you don't already). Talk about the meaning of commitment with him. You need to learn to handle conflict better as a couple so that the resolution is more often "win-win."

Check out author Emerson Eggerich's website, http://www.loveandrespect.com/
He has written two helpful marriage books, "Love and Respect" and "Cracking the Communication Code."

Answer 5

Is your hubby a control guy? You know, certain routines, demands, etc. If he is, he does this to stay emotionally safe. He probably is pushing down some negative feelings about his parents that pop up during your arguments. In order to stop from being hurt, he beats you to the punch by pushing you away with words. This is his barrier to stay in control. To help him through this, you need to get closer to him during rough times. Remember that it is not you, try not to get defensive, listen more, and sometimes concede on arguments for the moment and come back later when you are both more rational. It is a long process, but the more you show and tell him you are committed, he will feel safer. Then you can let him know the when he says the word "divorce," it just causes barriers between you two and is bad for the marriage. Ask him to committ emotionally.

Answer 6

No. It's not normal. He is just being immature. If you tell him that it really disturbs you when he says that and not to say it anymore, hopefully he will respect your wishes. Then again some guys look for the exact thing they know bothers you when you get in a fight and use it as a weapon. Just ignore him if he does that. Tell him you'd rather talk about the issues you're both having instead of going to divorce court. It's more expensive that the wedding. Trust me.

Answer 7

Hello:

I am sorry to hear that you and your husband have disagreements that end with him saying,"fine then just divorce me then." It sounds to me like he is very spoiled and he is used to getting his way EVERY TIME when he was growing up!

Some men not all men were little terrors while they were growing up,because their mother's think that it is funny when little boys throw temper tantrums and stomp around,when they don't get what they want when they want it.

I would have a little chat with him and explain to him that until he can talk to you in a CALM VOICE,to let you know and then you will talk with him! This guy is still very young,and it sounds like because he is still so young,that he is very immature and he wants to put his needs ahead of your needs.

Most guys that come from families that are divorced,are used to playing the,"guilt card,"to a woman that they date or marry,because they know that when a woman gets upset with them and holds the man accountable,the man will act like a child and throw a temper tantrum.

The best way to deal with this is to nip it in the bud and tell him point blank that he needs to lay off of acting like an immature spoiled brat,and start acting like a grown up and NOW! Are mommy and daddy still enabling him even though he is an adult now? Some parents think that it is ok to financially take care of their adult children and instead of helping them,they are hindering them! Adult children need to get out on their own and be accountable for their own actions.

It sounds like to me that he doesn't like it one bit because he knows that you are going to tell him,"like it is,"and the guilt trips that he is trying to lay on you by threatning divorce everytime there is a disagreement,just shows how immature he really is. I would suggest that if he doesn't stop the tantrums and the guilt trips,then I would suggest a marriage counselor or maybe talk to a pastor and maybe that will help.

Good luck and I hope that your husband will grow up and start acting like a man instead of a little boy! ;-)

Answer 8

No, this isn't a normal response. A marriage on this footing isn't destined for long. You should have seen his inability to handle conflict long before you married him and dealt with it then. You must not also have had the time to put into finding out the important issues before you married him. This can't be a surprise to you that he isn't capable of handling difficult times as an adult instead of a child. Unless you can get him into some counseling, you are probably not heading down the long term road with him. And please don't bring children into it.

Answer 9

I don't know what "normal" people say when they are arguing, but mature people do not say, "lets get a divorce". Spend a little bit of money to talk with a professional marriage councilor, who might be able to give you some pointers on a more effective way to argue. Get yourself straightened out, then invite husband to go as well.

Answer 10

Personally i would be interested in finding the root of the problem because in most cases people say mean things when theyre heated but on the other hand some people say what they mean.....j ust make sure he doesnt really feel that way and explain to him just because we're in an argument doesnt mean i wanna leave u is that what u want?