A Poem About Art And The Price We Pay (Cont.) ?

Question

So much in love was I, at one time,
that I allowed my passions to become a whore's heart
and, knowing that my true love was bartered at best, found
little of joy, comfort or love love within these towered walls.

2.

So less in love was I, at one time,
that I offered over castle and kingdom, treasures
to some, burdens to others, in order to regain
the true gifts that my soul had so willingly banished,

and asked for nothing of note, not even the tarnished crown,
except the one thing she valued the least of all: my heart.

This heart, damaged but still hopeful, was returned to me
and with it came back the spirit, the muse and the voice.

(A poem by me)

Choose your mates carefully, those of you with a poet's soul.

Answer 1

They die hard...... our beasts of burden. That was just beautiful.
I'm still smiling..................... thank you.

Answer 2

Honestly? I thought it was extremely well written. Still, there is room for improvement. "So less in love" might be better said as "So little in love". Can you be "more in love" as in "I was so more in love at one time"? It's a tough call, because usually you'd say "so much" or "so little", and since you chose to say "so much" in the previous stanza, it sounds awkward to say "so less"...or even contrived.

"that I allowed my passions to become a whore's heart", just might be your best line. Seldom have I seen a line that so invoked an image like this one.

Why the stanza break after "willingly banished,"? The next line is clearly meant to continue both the thought and the sentence and would sound strange if a pause were inserted...so why the break? I'd recommend joining the quatrain and doublet.

Finally, why was the heart "returned to you"? You said she wanted that one thing she valued least, showing her callous "heartless" nature...so why would she simply "return it"? You say it was returned damaged, but it's almost as if there are a half dozen lines waiting to fill the void between "my heart" and "this heart" in the next stanza. I'd recommend you find a few lines to connect the dots...I suspect there are some good ones waiting to be written there.

Overall, it has a very mature voice with lots of pain and experience behind it. I'd give it a 9...it's that good.

Answer 3

That was a very nice piece. It felt a bit like an allegory (not in every point just flavor).

I loved the lines in your opening:

So much in love was I, at one time,
that no cloud dared claim it's birthright to hover above,
no stone ever turned upright to obstruct my journey
and angels old and young blushed from the path I took.

I like the forthright confidence of the narrator before he gets ravaged. The "no cloud" and "no stone" ideas worked very well. I also liked the image of angels blushing from the chosen path.

Thanks for sharing the poem and the message.

Answer 4

Sigh! That is an absolutely beautiful poem.
It made my heart squeeze with a painfull memory of a long ago past.
And who is calling who the Super Brain?
You really should have this published if haven't already.
B.

Answer 5

*Applauds*

I'll post mine soon when I finish it so you can read it hon.

♥