I am confused?

Question

If u have an arranged marriage, it's not just between u and ur mate, it's more between the two families, because at any time before marriage, either u, ur family, they, or their family can call off the arrangement right? Then afterward, the families have the right to involve themselves in the life of u and ur mate until they or u die right? If this is so, y do so many say that it is a marriage between me and my mate? No it isn't, instead of having two parents, i have four! Instead of having the number of relatives I have...now they're exponentially multiplied! It was hard enough getting along with all these ppl when I was single..and now, married, there's more of them? I know when I got married, it was families marrying each other...but I can't help but buy into the belief that the marriage is solely between me and my husband! Is this true? I only ask because at times ppl tell me what to do, and get pissed when i ignore them...they follow me around wondering y I didn't do as said......

but then at other times, they tell me...this is ur husband, it's ur marriage, and ur supposed to take care of him...so here's what u do. I often wonder who married my man, my family or me? My guy is taking this all in stride, and happily ignoring all advice he feels like ignoring, he tells me to do the same. But he's had lots of practice...he's from India...I'm from the U.S. His folks are cool, but i do wonder what is to come. Will they let me be, and let me evolve slowly into a wife that I and my husband will be happy with? OR will they try to make me into a traditional Indian wife? Like i said, I already have issues with my folks due to culural stuff..I don't want to have issues with his folks too, I'll be outnumbered. What do I do? HOw do I keep my new relatives(as well as my old ones), at a safe distance away from my married life w/o totally offfending them? My relatives are famous for holding grudges for years, and anything a younger person says to an elder that they might find...

rude, is uncool, and the one who made the comment is looked down upon. If ur a woman, it's just better to keep ur mouth shut...but I can't do that, and be happy at the same time. Most ppl with this problem have the support of their own folks..I don't have that...they're trying to change me, they wanted an Indian girl for a daughter, and are trying to erase my American identity. I'll compromise for my man...but i'm afraid that our families might have influence over him. Mom says whatever he says goes, but then, if disagreeable conduct arises on his part...she tells me to object...even if i have no problem with it. I'm a newly wed, and all the family members want me to think about the distant future and lay down the law with him, gently, but firmly. Everyone wants to see our love...and makes us show it. Do they not want me to be happy? I don't know what to expect when my husband arrives, and it's hard to wait, but that's all I can do. Am i doomed? How do I find happiness in this area?

Answer 1

Get a job overseas to get away from them

Answer 2

Well, with accepting an arranged marriage you already have turned into a typical Indian wife.... what did you expect?
The family gets involved whenever the issue is interesting for them and in the case, it´s not of their interest or they simply don´t want to get bothered it´s your husband... and only your problem...
All you can do is ignore the gossip and try to make the best out of this marriage, don´t pay too much attention to what his or your own relatives say, as finally it´s your life and nobody will live it for you and if things turn out bad, usually there are very few people left on whom you can count... so, my advise is, concentrate in your husband and your relation. As long as you can count on your partner you don´t really need the rest of both families...
I hope you will be happy with your man, that although it´s an arranged marriage.

Answer 3

This sounds like a very difficult situation. I dont know what cultural differances that you all may have but, I personally think that an arranged marriage kinda gives a person an insentitive, they probaly figure that they can control it being the fact they controled what happened. I am not one for arranged marriage, but I am not one for divorce either, Unless the husband is cheating. But I think that it is your marriage and that you dont hve to disrepect some one to tell them how you feel,respectfully. it sounds like these people want to maintain control over your marriage, and your life. The key word being control. I am not encouraging you to be disrespectful to your husbands family or even your husband if you have diffrent views, but sometimes when some one is trying to control you and your marriage and your life, you have to let your request made known. Everyone has a choice. And i know that you dont want them to be angry or offend them, but all that stuff that they are doing is offensive to you. So they need to respect your decision. And yes, I believe that your marriage is between you and your husband and having advice from people is good, but if you feel that it's not good advice you should not have to feel pressured to take it. What you feel matters. And people need to respect that. You have the right to choose and be happy, everyone else should not be making decisions for you or get mad because you are not taking their advice. That is why you are confused. Reguardless of what people think, stand for what you believe in, and don't let other people run, and ruin your life. It's the only way to be happy. It's a sticky situation and I wish you the best. My thing is your confused because you are listening to everyone else and your hearing all these voices, but the only way to get unconfused is to make a decision and stand on it. Talk with your husband and come to a decision together. It's suppose to be a marraige of 2, not 20 or 200, but two. Good Luck!

Answer 4

You know what by the way you describe how your family is, and how your husbands family is, sounds like your the one that's from India. I have a hard time bying into your family's behavior and how they act considering they are Americans. When you marry someone, yes in a way you also marry the family, because you'll have to learn how to get along with them. However, the're boundaries withing that and one of them is to keep your private life private, to listen to advice, but take only the one that you feel is best for you, or not take their advice. Being an adult means, knowing how to set those boundaries. You must attain enough courage to tell them, thank you, but this is my marriage and i'll deal with it as i see fit. But if you are going to call upon them for almost everthing, then expect them to meddle in your affairs. Watch what you're husband is telling you. This is the relationship you need to focus on. Your family, good or bad will always be there. If you feel is too much for you to handle, then move, put some distance between you guys, his family and yours.

Answer 5

No matter what you do it sounds like you are having communication problems with the people around you. You may need to ask yourself if you really wanted this relationship. It might be a good idea to write down what you really want that way you can communicate it better with your family with out getting too emotional.
Also, I think the best thing would be to talk to your husband and see how he feels about the issue.
You are your own independent and strong person and must act as you see fit. No matter what you do you cant make every one happy, just make sure at the end of the day you are happy.

Hope it helps. just remember to be true to your self.

Answer 6

Dear friend,
Its totally a clash of culture and at the same time orthdox behaviour of the aged members of the family. They should never thrust any thing on the cultural side over you. It would be sound only what you accepted with out their influence at your own interest.
As far as the number of parents and relatives that you have counted, it is all you can understand when your children get married. Its all your emotional and love that would bring every one togather, no one can enforce you to entertain them nor they should try to demand any such things from you.
Dear, pl dont mind wheather they are your parents or your hubby's , they would try to claim there booty over your hubby. It is adviceable to keep at least the nearest relative of his at par in treatment, like wise he too would treat yours.
These would not last long, reason being within few yrs I think you could move out and have your own residence. Till then I would req u to be bit cool, I know that their presence it self irritates for newly married couples, they themself should give you all the max privilage rather then spoiling your most valuable time.
I think you are quite intelligent, and beautiful girl, hope would handle the situation in the best way. May god bless you, be positive to get best results in life.

Answer 7

I'd ask your religious leader to clarify the situation but if your parents have chosen wisely (which I am sure they have) you may find your husband will acommodate your requests.

e.g. I have a friend in an arranged marriage and the agreement went to part-time lawyer & mother - which works fine for her. Eid is great because both families get together and have a really good time.

Answer 8

dear, this problem occurs in each and every family, even i am worried of all such things, the best thing for you to do is, avoid them, let it be polite, if you and your husband want to live happily, i advice you to stay separate, you and him take an independent house and live independent, visit both the family members on Saturday and Sundays and have fun. dont tell them that it is because of them you want to live independent, tell them that you and your husband needs some privacy, and want to sunder stand each other more and this can be done only when you both live independent. make them understand and they should not feel disturbed, always maintaining a long distance relationship with relatives is healthier. this i advice you because this is wat me and my fiance has decided to do, make your move careful that it doesnt hurt anyone. all the best, i pray for your peace of mind and liberty.

Answer 9

all in all you have to live YOUR life the best you see fit and can. This means growing up and making decisions on your own, some will succeed, some will fail. It is OK to listen to others advice, but always remember that is just what it is,advice, not an order

Answer 10

you can not change your new relatives whatever you do or say.[you couldn't change your old relatives] the only thing you can change in many ways is yourself.think whats important to you and your husband.Be happy that your husband dose not listen to what he hears .try to do the same.just live your live and let them be.Accept that not everyone will like you or dislike you,thats just the same with everyone.

Answer 11

look u r newly married u have to have pations u have to adjust for some time to get along with u r family once u adjust get to know u r inlaws then u r life will be happy u r parents know what is good for u but u must also have pactions to see what is good