Another "poem"??? Some help, if you'd be so kind, please?

Question

---or just thoughts and feelings are great (and helpful) too!---

Left

If, into blindness
hobbling, wandering
you
fall upon a door
that will not open,
orange door
wet door
unyielding to your thrust,

If, upon hearing
nothing
dizzying, rattling silence
you
knock upon a window
wooden window
boarded up
splintering your touch,

Know I once was yours,
opening, yielding
flesh-soft blush
Know then
Lost Soul,
The house divided
is no more
not window
not door
not me
to be yours
or
anyone's.
.

Interesting! Much more ambiguous than I thought. What if I had called it, "Divorce"? Hmmmmm.
I don't think I should explain more now. Anyway, were it well written, I wouldn't have to, would I? (lol)
Thanks, so far, you wonderful dudes and dudesses! (Yes, I'm from L.A., like, ya know!)

Answer 1

You need no help with this, Des. It is astonishingly good! Bravo. I'll send it to my friend Jo Berryman, who taught poetry at Cal Arts. Save this poem, please. It's extremely moving and powerful.

Answer 2

I word from a grouch: I don't 'feel' any integration in its parts. I get the theme identity at the end. The title 'left' hit me like political first until I started reading. 'Its Ending' would be a better title as it is not too revealing but in the ball park. The negativity comes through loud and clear in the start and follows through giving continuity and the blush gives a connection of the past positive to the present negative. I am assuming the word 'left' is to denote an act of willful but judgmental abandonment. 'Lost Soul' capitalized like a name.

The Will is positive, the Judgment is negative.

Answer 3

I kind of got it and loved parts of it---- but not so much other parts---- in space in place and time you could fix it<< mix it and make it fine.THE LAST VERSE NEEDS MAJOR VAMPING!

mom says
" accross the great divide
the air was still and cool
the dew fell softly on the grass
the stars shine brightly in the sky
the moon was full when first
I seen
A cricket hopping up on the ground
soon I heard a glories sound
millions of crickets making their rounds



It was quiet the air was cool
only the crickets I and you
silently awaiting for full night
to fall
rest will be welcome
we will close our eyes
and peace will prevail
tommorrow will come
and all will be well

Answer 4

Very powerful stuff. The last stanza in particular struck me with the jolting juxtaposition of "open, yielding/ flesh-soft blush" with "not me/ to be yours/ or/ anyone's." Past and present clash in that stanza, and it's lush and succinct all at once.

I am also intrigued by your line breaks, which seem to have much more purpose in them than most skinny poems I've read (or, to be honest, written). Well done!

Answer 5

It's got a very nice subtlety to it (I wouldn't change the title and make it more overt). Solid images and a beautiful ending.

It simply works (from your use of the present progressive tense and the sense of motion it brings, to your door and window images, to "flesh-soft blush").

Again, it is such a strong ending. You should be proud of this one.

Answer 6

I think you have a deft touch with words. With simple expression you communicate thoughts of beauty and sensitivity. Your words touch the very heart of things.

Congratulations

Answer 7

I felt like in the poem the person is lost and they are trying to figure out how to get over or leave something very restraining to them.

Answer 8

very lovely, especially since I've read your past questions about family. Good imagery. Maybe rephrase the last couple of lines to make it more clear, not sure what you meant by or anyone's.

Answer 9

Awesome, Des!...Only, I think there should be a more concrete title for this?
I clearly see an estranged heart who moved away from its used-to-be home into another...and then came back to find there were no more open arms to welcome him.

Keep writing...(i'll just go out and find some tissues)

Answer 10

Don't touch it, don't alter it, don't rewrite it. It's pretty damn good as it is. The title is perfect. Changing it to 'Divorce' would make the poem to topically specific. Leave it the way it is.