What if one partner is more into swinging than the other?

Question

My husband and I have been involved in swinging since we first began seeing each other almost 3 years ago. We have been married for a year and a half. At first I was excited by this, now I have lost interest. It is much more important to my husband than to me, he gets bored very easily, and its hard for me to keep his interest. I am 39 and my sex drive has slowed tremendously, plus I am not as attractive as I once was. My husband is the only person I want to have sex with, but he wants more than me. I am willing to be involved in the lifestyle to make him happy, but he wants me to really be into it like he is. How do I make my husband happy and be true to myself at the same time?

I should clarify, we weren't involved with threesomes, we swapped partners with other couples. And I have made my husband aware of how I feel about this. He agreed to stop if I wasn't into it. We did stop for a while, but he was depressed and miserable the entire time. Maybe it is foolish of me, but I feel its my responsibility as his wife to insure his happiness. He is enough for me, I am not enough for him. Painful as it is, that is the situation. I need to find a way to deal with this before it destroys my marriage.

Answer 1

Your question demands a complicated answer, and definitely more than anyone here at Y! Answers can give, myself included. I'd suggest cutting and pasting your question and added details into a thread at http://www.swingersboard.com The people there are experienced, helpful and friendly. They don't want to see anyone hurt by swinging and are pretty proactive in that respect.

Now, that said, I'll try to offer some advice.

"And I have made my husband aware of how I feel about this. He agreed to stop if I wasn't into it. We did stop for a while, but he was depressed and miserable the entire time."

This is good that you told him how you feel. The only cure for this problem is communication. The best place to start is with the good will you have toward one another. Neither of you wants to see the other hurt or sad, so start by realizing this and trusting that you feel this way about one another. Trust his ability to care for your feelings, and vice versa. Seems like a simple thing, but you have to start somewhere.

If I were you, I'd ask him why he was so depressed and miserable? Does he actually value his physical gratification over his marriage to you? Or is this just what you think he is doing? Has he explained to you exactly why he enjoys swinging so much? Is he actually unhappy with his physical relationship with you, or is it something else?

The thing is, in my experience, it enhances my relationship with my husband. For us, this freedom is a gift we give to one another, and we honour one another's gift by using it responsibly. That means he can trust that I would never abuse his trust by taking more than I was given, or going behind his back. Cheating on one another would be doubly insulting because there is no need. It's a bit like stealing a money from someone's wallet and then finding out that they were going to give it to you because they wanted you to have it as a gift. But by forcibly TAKING it from them, you not only stole their property, but you also stole their opportunity to show you their love and generosity. We swing not because we want something for ourselves, but because we want more for one another. I don't WANT to limit my husband only to me for the rest of his life. I love myself and I know that I'm definitely enough for him, but why should he be limited if he doesn't need to be?? I don't NEED to have his undivided attention to know that he loves me and wants me to be his friend until the day one of us dies. No, if he truly wants to show me that he loves me, let him live and live abundantly. This means enjoying the company of other people and not limiting his experience for my sake. If he chooses to not have sex with other women, that is up to him.

"Maybe it is foolish of me, but I feel its my responsibility as his wife to insure his happiness."

As do I. I attach myself to my husband's life; I don't try to attach him to mine. My job is to be his best friend, no matter what that means.

"He is enough for me, I am not enough for him. Painful as it is, that is the situation. I need to find a way to deal with this before it destroys my marriage."

Like I said, first of all make sure that this is the case. Some of the best advice you will ever get with regard to relationships: "ASSUME NOTHING." If I could bold, italicize and underline it, I would. If you find that this is truly the case, you find yourself in the unfortunate position of needing to sit down with him and determine whether or not you want to be in a marriage where you are being "settled for". If this is truly the case, I am deeply sorry. I know that I couldn't stay, if it were me, but...I'm not you. I wish you the best, and hope you will put your question to the folks at swingersboard.

Answer 2

Swinging Partner

Answer 3

Babe, you seriously have a recipe for failure here. I mean you guys are barely married and this swinging thing can really hurt your marriage. I mean sure it was fun when you guys first were into it, but you are right your need to have that kind of gratification has slowed down. Which it does for some people over time. I'm not really sure how or what to tell your husband other than your true feelings on the matter. He won't necessarily like what is being said and all, but this can be a true sign rather he loves you enough to end the swinging and be just with you or let other random women be more important to him. As sad as it will be to say this, but I think if a man gets bored that easily with his own wife and needs to swing in the first place, then he isn't much of a man worth your time or love babe. Cause to me, it sounds like he is more of an ex player that reformed into a swinger. Which to me is more like getting back into his player ways right in your face, since you are no longer at his side joining in his antics. So its kind of advisable to get out before you start feeling neglected or anything else.

Answer 4

hmmm
my husband did this swinging thing in the past, not with me, but with his first wife, and it went badly. I think eventually these relationships tend to fall apart...but that's not what you want to think about, you want to find a solution.
I always imagined that if he asked me to do this, I'd take up a pad and paper and write about what I witnessed or use a video camera and watched different people, or made some type of social study out of the whole thing without getting involved in it, because I'm just not excited by the idea of sex with strangers.
Even that was a fantasy, in reality, I'm not the type that could even watch him have sex with somebody else unless I was drunk, er, probably not even then.
It seems to me that your husband places too much value on this swinging thing. Sex just shouldn't be that important. I don't know why for some people it is.
I'd try talking to him stating that it seems that he is miserable if you don't swing, and you are miserable if you do...what can be done?
I imagine I'd feel as you do...those parties must get old after awhile, like everybody is out there for a cheap thrill and fake and putting on a show. Yuck.
Life isn't about sex. It's about finding peace within yourself and enjoying the things you do, simple everyday things like reading a book, watching a movie, gardening, or whatever you are into...but not thrills. Thrills seem hollow to me somehow.
What if he went to these parties alone? You can't fake being into the lifestyle and be happy too. It just might lose its luster for him also if you said that he should go alone.
Whatever you do, try to work it out and not let it become a battle. The rest of your marriage could be worth saving afterall. Only you know. But don't pretend to be into something you're not. To thine own self be true~ Shakespeare

Answer 5

You went into this marriage with your eyes wide open. Now you want to change things around and your husband doesn't want to change. If you didn't want to share you should have stayed out of this lifestyle in the beginning. That is the problem with this lifestlye choice. Eventually one partner wants to quit while the other one wants to stay with it. You have a major life decision to make and either way you're going to have to give up something.

Answer 6

I would look deep into your soul and ask yourself if this is an ideal situation. If he had expectations of this lifestyle you should have confronted it prior to marriage. The best solution is to ween him off. Mix the love making up in your bedroom such as games / swings / toys etc..... There are plenty of books that help with the different styles and techniques. In a nut shell it seems he doesn't see you as you see him.

Answer 7

Wow, that is sad. My older sister has the same exact relationship. She is very open about her sex life and they are both swingers. Problem is it seems that my brother in law could care less (he is overweight) but just does it to keep my sis. The thing that I know he would never want to admit to himself is that she is gonna be like that with or without him and if he refused to do it, I bet she would leave him. So he is stuck because he loves her, its very sad. If I were you I would talk to him about it, but if he isn't willing to change for you (after all you are willing to swing for him, why shouldn't he stop for you?), then you need to really question the strengh of your marriage bond. Good luck with that.

Answer 8

You can't. You knew from the beginning what your relationship consisted of-threesomes. How pathetic. Why be married in the first place? What exactly is marriage to you people? You guys need to swing away from what you're doing...because it's just wrong...

Answer 9

You can't have your cake and eat it too. Neither can he. I think when you got involved in this lifestyle you should have and an "out " agreement. If you're not into it why not go ahead and let him do his thing, He'll get tired of it after a while Good Luck

Answer 10

Hi! it sounds to me like you are having a change of heart, what I mean is type of life style can destroy you, do not let him force you into something you dont want to do, you are married, and sex is for marriage only, instead pray, prayer opens the door for God to work in our lives, you are on the right path, dont give up, God has all your answers....Jesus loves you