really personal question that needs an honest answer?

Question

i have a 14month old daughter, and im married, but i was abused throughout my childhood by my dad, and moved with my brother and raped me now that im married and have a daughter i cant trust my husband to be alone with her, its his baby to, but im so scared that its going to happen to her, and i cant tell him what all happend to me, but if i tell him im so scared he's going to be made at me and divorce me please someone help me im so scared right now

ive been through therapy so many times, been to various doctors im tired of the medications and the constant remembering, i want out of that life, i have a counseler, but all she wants me to do is remember

thank you all for your answers

Answer 1

im the same way, i too was raped by my dad. its nothing u can really get over. just tell him all of the truth. i just told my hubby a couple of months ago and it was the best choice i ever made... i feel so much better. u have to tell him!! if you want i can leave u my email . trust me i know haow it feels, im tearing up rightnow just typing this. i have 3 girls and 1 boy . please tell him, it will eat u up. my hubby now knows and he is helping me thru this. i was sexually abused for 10 yrs. if u need a frind in here.
[e-mail]

Answer 2

You need to teel him, otherwise, you will carry this on your shoulders and keep the pressure inside, which will only make things worse, it will hurt you and your marriage,

Your behavior is not healthy, and it will ultimatley destroy your marriage if you don't get this under control.

You are scared of your husband for no reason, why punish him for the mistakes someelse has done? You are married and have a beautiful family and is not fair to anyone to ruin thehappiness for carrying all tha baggage alone.

You have untreated post dramatic stress disorder and you are borderline paranoic at this point. Yes, you must be tired of the shrinks and the meds, well try another one there! Shrinks are just like restaurants, just because one is bad, doesn;t mean that tehy are all bad.

Also, you can try to get close to God. Even if you are not religious, getting involded with a chuch will help you heal your wounds. I'm terribly sorry and I can;t imagine what you have been through, but you have to STOP letting this affect you, you deserve a normal life and deserve hapiness. You cannot spend the rest of your life being afraid and carring that heavy load on your own. You have to let go of that once and for all and I can guarrantee that you willl feel much better once you come clean, forgive and finally let go. You have to refuse to keep on being the victim. Yes, it was awful what happen to you, but sweetheart, life goes on and you cannot destroy your happiness and punish the ones that have nothing to do with that.

You are assuming that your husband is also an agresor. This is NOT the case, he is the man that loves you, the father of your baby.... STOP the pain, stop the hurt. He deserve to know the truth and you deserve relieve from this burden.

Good luck

Answer 3

I don't want to scare you, but you should of told him all this before you married him. This is the kind of things you must talk about before marriage. At some point this was going to come back to you. I am sure you thought about all this while you where pregnat.

I would tell you husband what happend to you when you were growing up. He needs to know how you are thinking.


Why would you think your husband would even do something like that to your daughter? Has he ever touch another female the wrong way?

I also have to ask you, why did you get married in the first place? When you marry someone, first of all you should be able to trust him with your life. The life of your children would be something he would protect without a doubt.

From you being abused by family members has you not trusting men in gereral. Your husband by far, should be someone you SHOULD TRUST. He is the other half of you and he should be the one who will help you throughout all your life with all the good and the bad.


I would pray about it first. Pray for 3 days. Ask God to give you the strength you will need to tell your husband about all this.

I wouldn't tell him that you are afraid he will do this to your daughter, unless you know for sure he has done this to someone else. Then you shouldn't of married him in the first place. Then you need to know that he will be very angry with you for not telling him while you were dating. Then he will be angry with your dad and then your brother. Now that will be a totally different story when it comes to your family. He may press charges for something that happen when you were a child. He may do something very crazy as to maybe go fit with them.

Only you know how he will react to something like this.

You need to pray about this. Also, if you told anyone about this, bring that person to your house when you are telling him to have support.

I do wish you the very best in all you decide.

Answer 4

No man worth having would ever judge you for something beyond your control or leave you just because you were brutally victimized when you were young. He is not going to be mad at you; give him a chance to support you and to understand where you're coming from on this.

Hopefully you married a good man and not an abuser. Over time as your trust grows your imagination of all the terrible things that 'could' happen (but never ever would if he's a good man) will fade and your daughter can have a loving father in her life.

Good luck

Answer 5

You need serious therapy. That is the only way that you are going to be able to deal with all of these horrible things in your past. If you don't get help you risk damaging your daughters views on intimacy and trust and ultimately you will destroy your marriage. God Bless you and please seek professional help.

Your additional response to the point about therapy stating that you are sick of the drugs that they are putting you on, meaning you have been seen by a psychiatrist. As you know a psychologist is different. You need to remember, you need to go over this until it know longer kills you to talk about it. Sexual abuse is a horrible thing and trying to forget will not make the fact that it happened any less real. It will only damage you. Stay away from the psychiatrist that are only trying to dope you up. However medication is necesarry if you are experiencing, severe depression or psychosis. Don't be ashamed, don't be afraid, take control and heal. You need a wonderful counselor. Anyway, don't give up!!!!

Answer 6

I know what you're going through. I was sexually abused by my grandfather, and I don't trust any men around my two year old (except for my husband -- I do trust him completely). I know it's not completely rational, but on one hand, maybe it is. One in four women will be sexually abused at one point in their lives. Why the hell didn't anyone protect me better?

It is perfectly normal to be overcautious considering your past experiences, but it sounds like your paranoia is stepping over the line, and worse, it's interfering with your daughter's relationship with her dad. Do you have any rational suspicions that he would ever molest her, or do you acknowledge that it is just a generalized fear?

If you are just being inhibited by a general fear, you do need therapy to help deal with this. And you should tell your husband what happened to you. I don't think there is any chance he would divorce you or anything. He might be angry, only because you never told him before or because he will want to track down your dad and brother and murder them for hurting you. This is not something you should be ashamed of or have to hide. It happens to so many women, it's disgusting.

Personally, I think you're totally ahead of the game, in that you ARE worried this could happen to her and are on the lookout. If you saw any signs that he was molesting her, it sounds like you are strong enough to stop him, get him arrested and out of your life, and do the proper things to make sure she won't be hurt again.

Good luck to you.

Answer 7

Your husband is probably a normal loving father, and telling him what your father and brother did to you should be a separate discussion entirely in years to come when you think the timing is right.
But accusing your husband now of doing what your father did is really insulting, and will upset him greatly, and he will feel badly about you, and rightly so.
If your husband has done nothing inappropriate with your daughter, then you shouldn't accuse him of that even in your imagination. It's just wrong and unfair!
You should be seeing a behavioral psychologist. Behavioral psychologists work on how you are living today, and how to improve that, instead of dwelling on the past as some freudian psychology types do.
I think that for now you should keep those thoughts to yourself that your husband may abuse your daughter in your nightmarish thoughts.
Don't say a thing to him about that. It will only make him think that you are unstable for suspecting him when he hasn't shown any behavior characteristics of ever doing such a thing.
If you don't want to start over with a new psychologist, then tell the current psychologist that you don't want to dwell on the past and that you want to work on the future. That is a choice for you to make, to think in terms of the future and present or to dwell on the past. Just take control of the therapy in that way. Therapists need guidance too remember, one hour out of your life every week is not enough time to know what direction you need to focus on.

Answer 8

Darling, you went through a lot. It must be really hard to keep that "secrete". However, you get a huge credit for opening up here. Is your husband abusive? That's why you are scared of him? It would be ideal if he knew what happened to you, so he can protect his daughter too from your family members if they are still around.

I was sexually abused when I was a child. Believe me, I'm planning on telling it to my future daughter (if God allows me to have one). My fiance also knows about it and he will be protecting our children from perverts too.

However, if there is any reason why you should be afraid of leaving your daughter with her dad along other than memories of your past, then you should make sure that your daughter is in a safe house without perverts being present. Get divorced and keep her as far as possible from your husband and if he comes to visit, don't make it unsupervised visit. But do it only if you know that your husband is pervert.

Answer 9

Honey, he's NOT going to be mad at you for being abused and molested as a child. He might wonder why you got all the way to the "married with children" point without telling him, but he really would want to know. Abuse and rape are huge things, that very strongly affect you for LIFE! Telling him will help him understand so much of you so much better. You really should tell him. BUT...whatever you do, don't say, "I don't trust you." Try something like, "...and because of all the stuff that happened to me, I can't help but picture that happening to her." Give him a chance to convince you that he is NOT your dad or your brother (you already know this but need to really be convinced of it). You never want to hurt someone else just because someone hurt you...pain and distrust should not be a pay-it-forward type of thing. Do your best to trust him. Ask him to understand that it is not something against him, and that with time you will not worry so much. He should understand, and respect your feelings. Good luck..:)

Answer 10

I'm willing to bet that people like your father are in the minority. This is a terrible thing for someone to go through. Have you ever gone to a counselor? It might be a helpful thing to do. I would say, eventually you need to face your past, and tell your husband about it. He deserves to know about it, since it is now affecting his relationship with you and his child. I don't see how he could ever divorce you for opening up to him - but I agree that it is an extremely sensitive issue. Seek guidance from a therapist or a counselor; look online for resources that can help people like you, perhaps you can find a support group to join - online or locally.

Answer 11

I am so sorry that this happened to you! But first let me say this-You are a good mom and part of being a good mom is to take care of yourself (mentally, physically, & spiritually). So, go and find someone professionally to talk to. They will help you talk to your husband about this. I honestly think that your husband will love and understand you more after the truth comes out.
Next do not let fear stop you from telling him and opening up. Fear is what kept you in bondage and allowed your secret to have this hold on you. Take control of your life for you and your daughter. Your family life will flourish once you get the proper help and you will feel secure knowing that this will never happen to your daughter!
I am praying for you and your family. Joy will replace sadness and Beauty will replace ashes!!