Do you like this form: The Burmese Climbing Rhyme?

Question

*****

Prey

The arrows fly by, missed,
My flesh kissed, grazed,
They will persist, hunting me,
I hear grunting, they’re slow;
And I, unwanting to die…run.

*****

These are funny, 8th century rules. Basically, the rhyming words move from the end to the middle of each successive line, with one line containing the last "a" and the first "b". The examples I saw had random line sizes and meter. The longest lines were 11 syllables.

Answer 1

It was good, it made me see things through an animal's eyes! Good job!

Answer 2

Several Oriental forms follow this or a similar pattern, varying the rhyme down and across, some very simple, others quite complex, part having to do with the tonal patterns of the languages as well as ideogrammatic structure where syllables are more economic and contain less information of themselves than Western languages. DFA should have some good info on this,

I come so slow
To know that some
Go from the show
Humming below.
Crow seeds do sow
That yet come grow.

Answer 3

My observation:

Climbing rhymes confuse me.
What is there to see in
verse that won't be taken
lightly, mistaken for
work forsaken by those
who critique my prose in
digital throes of this
Yahoo! Answers bliss and
the deep abyss of creativity?

Answer 4

Very cool. It's hard to get my head around the pattern though.

It has a nice undulating feel to it when read out loud.

Answer 5

I do like it, a lot :)

I would change the ... to a period then capitalize Run. Would add some finality and drama :)

Answer 6

It's cool, but how does it work? What are the rules?

Answer 7

Very nice TD.

Answer 8

Yes, I like it.

It's short, easy to read, but packed with emotions & meanings.

It reminds me of haiku, that way. Thanks for sharing it!