How do you like this poem I wrote on Homelessness?

Question

" A Neverending Journey"
"Wake up! It's six o'clock...
time to pack your stuff and leave."
A somewhat simple task... but sometimes difficult to achieve.
NO MERCY from Big Brother who wants it done just right.
NO MERCY for the wayward soul on their burdened plight.
So as the ritual begins without any reason or rhyme...
The mind goes on a wanderin' into the sublime.
Processed wayward souls with nowhere else to go,
uncalculated drone like movements journeying to and fro.
The destinations most uncertain, yet the "song remains the same"...
Searching for a place that's high and dry, just another routine of the "Game".
So scrounge what you can along the way, dodge bad weather if you can.
The journey's turned full-circle,
AND YOU'RE BACK WHERE YOU BEGAN.

by Stan a.k.a. Captain Mozar

Answer 1

I like it, it is easy to read and understand. It shows the other side of homeless people that you don't usually see, and causes the reader to sypathize with their situation.

Answer 2

Stan: It seems ok, but if this is a poem I believe spacing should be in at least somewhere around here.

I'm feeling it like a run on sentence or not a poem at all, sort of like its suppose to be a blog or a rant or something.

I don't get the picture of what you are trying to show here. I understand the poem is on homelessness but the write up isn't really well flowing. If you know what I mean.

Here you go: I think it should be sort of split up like this

(Humble opinion only: You don't have to listen to me, I'm just a person who pens poetry on the net alot as stormigrl or poetic_muses)

Also if your poem title is: "A Never-ending Journey" You should put that at the title: For example:
WANTED: FEEDBACK: "A Never-Ending Journey" by Stan

Ok Here's what I think should happen in your piece:
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Wake up! It's six o'clock,..time to pack your stuff and leave!"
A somewhat simple task,.. but sometimes difficult to achieve.

NO MERCY from Big Brother who wants it done just right!
NO MERCY for the wayward soul on their burdened plight!

So as the ritual begins without any reason or rhyme,
The mind goes on a wanderin' into the sublime.

Processed wayward souls with nowhere else to go,
Uncalculated drone-like movements journeying to and fro.

The destinations most uncertain, yet the "song remains the same."
Searching for a place that's high and dry, just another routine of the "Game."

So scrounge what you can along the way, dodge bad weather if you can,
The journey's turned full circle and you're BACK WHERE YOU BEGAN!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(Now it flows)
~Mar G~ aka Poetic_muses and stormigrl

Answer 3

The poem is clever, but perhaps a little trite. However, there are some good lines in there, but they're lost in the uneven lines and forced rhymes. This is not uncommon when drafting a poem, nor from a new poet. The good news is that you will develop past these pitfalls in time. You've received some good suggestions, so I won't repeat what's already been said, but I will add that you need to be careful of "tone". There are parts of your poem that appear to understand the plight of the homeless, but only superficially (that might be a good thing). The problem is that the "tone" is too light for the subject. When you choose a form or style for your poem you need to be careful to match the style with the subject. In this case, I don't think you did your perceptions and thoughts justice with your choice. The sing-song pattern was insufficient to hold up the weight of the topic, and the poem suffered for it. I'd recommend you try two things:

1. Rewrite your poem in free verse, rhyme once in awhile if it just "happens", but don't try to rhyme

2. then, rewrite it into a verse whose tenor and form carries the heaviness of the topic in its dirty hands.

You've written the poem from an outside observer's perspective, one in which the speaker "sees" and feels pity for the homeless, but hasn't slept in a lice-ridden bed or out in the cold while hungry. Again, that's okay, but you need to carry that concept into the poem, you need to "show" how you see but also how you are thankful you have not experienced.

If I'm completely off base, if you've been homeless, starving and half-frozen, then you need to work even harder on your poem, because those aspects didn't come out.

Your poem is not bad, it's just underdeveloped. I think you can do much better if you try again and keep editing.

keep writing, you've got a good command of the language

Answer 4

sounds like you had a hard time, but look where you are know, you must be doing well to be on here, you seem to always end up on the good side if you don't give up hope.

are you not proud of yourself for all that you have done, any day of your life gives you strenght and hope,

take care and i really like your poem good luck :))))))))))

Answer 5

No bad. A bit hard to follow as the flow is stop and go but I'm not sure if you did that for effect. (?) It'd definately make it on my bathroom wall. ;-)

Answer 6

I like this poem. Very well written. It has feeling and emotion in it.

Answer 7

its kinda whack