I left my husband a year ago and is going through divorce and child custody with him.?

Question

He was recently awarded Wednesdays (3pm-7pm) and every other weekend time with my son. This is going to be so hard for my son who does not want to even talk to his father. I didn't have police reports on my husband's abuse--sexual, verbal, mental, emotional and I don't have any evidence on him being alcoholic that makes him incapable of driving. I do not like the idea of my son being with him. I feel guilty already. I feel like I'm putting my son in danger by allowing the court order take in place in his life.

I am going back to court in December for evaluation. I need advise on this issue. I understand that he needs to spend time with his father but, I worry for my son's safety.

HELP!!!

My son is 4 yrs old. And I did not document the abuse mainly because I couldn't. Thanks for all the support. God bless you all.

Answer 1

There are a few things you can do.
1) Go back to court and instruct your solicitor to only allow access via a mediator. This can be a named person that you feel you can trust from his family or circle of friends.
2) Instruct your solicitor to only grant access under the condition that he is not to drink alcohol before and during visits. Ask for a review by the court in 6 months time. If he screws up record the dates and inform the police and yr solicitor immediately.
3) Get enough proof together from now to prove he is unable to provide adequate care for your son. Ask the court to only allow him access through a mediation centre where he will be constantly supervised.
4) Remember that as a mother you are probably a little overprotective and try and give your ex some credit for wanting to spend some time with his child even if he has screwed up.
5) Do not get dragged into any confrontations with him, keep your relationship to a minimum. If he bothers you, record it and ignore it. Do not respond.
6) Be positive about your ex to your son. You owe it to your child to be as positive about his father as you can so you dont screw up his head. If his dad is a loser he will work it out in time when he is emotionally mature enough to deal with it.
7) Dont worry too much. It is natural to feel like you are in a helpless situation, because you are not in control of it. You will probably find that it gives yr ex some self worth and responsibility and may help him get his act together. Remember that he probably feels like a failure and imagine how hard it must be for him not to be able to see his child every day. Give the situation some time and understanding. It may work out better than you think. Your emotions about the breakdown of your relationship are still very raw.
8) Go out and enjoy yourself on your time off.

Answer 2

First, you need to start a log book. You log everything. Phone calls, threats, drinking,everything. If it's witnessed, list who wittnessed it as well. Truthfully, if you are so concerned about your childs safety, why the heck didn't you make reports or log any alleged abuse from day one?
I'm not taking sides, I'm just saying, that's what your going to be asked by judges, attorneys, case workers etc. You better have a good and truthfull answer. Meantime, go back over things that did happen, try to remember who, if anyone, saw or heard it. If so, reocrd it and get witness statements. Meantime, if you know for sure he is driving while intoxicated, drop a quarter, make a call and report a drunk driver, describe the vehicle, license plate etc, and where it is or where it's going. Make the system work for you. Meantime, follow the court order, keep your mouth closed, don't give him anything to use against YOU in court. Cuz you can bet he is doing exactly what I'm encouraging you to do. Phone calls can be recorded for civil cases, get a phone recorder and USE IT whenever he calls, or when you have to call him. Meantime, concentrate on what's best for the innocent victim here. Children. As for the visitation he is awarded, that's not too bad really. He could get 50/50 or more. So, log everything!!!

Answer 3

This is going to sound crazy, but you are going to have to take the good with the bad for now. I know just what you are going through my ex- husband after the court had heard our case for two years and spent a ton of money and came to a reasonable agreement , my husband kidnapped the son we had together and I have never seen him again. The court SUCK, big time. They can not give me back my son , they are powerless to fix any of the problems that they and stupid lawyers helped to create. The end was a ruling by the U.S. Supreme court that stated the state in which the court order was written had violated my rights . What a JOKE, of course they did. Children are better off with a mother and father , at least for the most part, however I agree some people are not parents and will make the children and other parent pay for getting involved with them for ever. Best wishes to you, Keep your head up and a prayer in your heart.

Answer 4

well I'm sorry the courts have you by the balls! and it sucks!
If i can add i grew up with out my alcoholic dad it was hard and I wish i would have had any sort of figure other then my mom!
he is in my life now!
but here is what you need to do. Keep a notebook of any occations. if the father is late for pick log it in this book!
if your son comes home with a brusie or upset talk about it and write it in the book!
this will take high effort on your part not to down talk this man that is your sons father! Just don't do it! the courts will give you a bad mark for that so don't do it! no words are best don't give the man praize or anything just let it be!
then sit down with your son and go over safty intructions!
don't pin out his father just say ask your son what do you do if an adult hits you? What do you do if an adult says bad things? do you know what bad things are? can you repete to me all the bad words and phrazes you know ? make sure you always tell me when someone uses these words! (material for that log book) What do you do when you see a drunk adult?

log it all in an set those expitations!

Answer 5

Call friend of the court and tell them about the abuse, which I assume was against your son, not you, because only if it was against your son does it matter in child custody cases.
Friend of the court will probably get child protective services involved, which is the state legal method of limiting or removing parental custodial rights.
Ask that your child be examined by one of the child psychologist's that are part of child protective services. This is the best method for the state to assess whether abuse has occured in cases without evidence. If the child psychologist determines that abuse has in fact occurred, the state will take up the case and you won't have any other involvement except as a witness.

Answer 6

Ask the courts for him to recieve counseling and court ordered visits only for th first year. that will by you some time. By then being a typical man and have gone through this he will carry on with his life meet someone else to abuse and not want to pick the kid up anyways. Good luck and god bless you.

Answer 7

You don't say how old your son is, but the bottom line is that you must obey the court order. Keep a diary of your son's visits and appearance when dad has him, and if it seems that abuse is taking place, see your attorney about an emergency hearing. Good luck.

Answer 8

sadly there is no easy fix...hang in there.

Were your marital problems between you and he only? or was his abuse directed to your son as well? Also- how old is your son?

If he is 6 or younger you will have to watch for signs of changed behaviors and encourage you to play and "act out" his visit using his toys...if he is older than 6, take comfort in his ability to let you know if something isn't quite right- you need to make sure that door of communication stay wide open.

In order to get supervised visits- depending on the state you live in- if you request that- you will have to pay for it...also, to prove the need for supervision your husband will need to approve your son getting a Psychological exam (as there is no police records, etc that show a pattern of abuse)...

Hang in there, it will get better- good luck to you and your son.

Answer 9

Evidence is everything according to the system. Without it, it just boils down to he said, she said. If what you say is true about him, my advice would be to start recording conversations on the phone or having several witnesses back you up.
Your child is priority. Do what it takes without breaking the law. As long as he is not convicted of anything and paying child support, he is within his rights. Sad but true.

Good luck and good prayers..

Answer 10

Are you sure your not trying to punish your ex by not wanting him to spend time with his son? Seems that way to me since the guy looks to be clean. If these things were going on you should have had him arrested at some point.