I was crying while I was writing this..*sniffle?

Question

If I was There

Many have suffered
Many have shared.
If only I was there
There to share.
To share of this drink,
Causing everyone to creak,
Because of this terrible drink.

They drank of this pain
The pain unable to bear.
Screaming and crying
All I did was sighing.
Sighing deeply within,
Did I cause this or did I sin?
If only I was there…
There to share.

If only I was there
There to steal.
Steal the cup of pain,
To make the pain go away:
For all those in vain.
Pour the wrath on me,
Come and make me scream.
Better to be it here,
Than to see my loved ones,
Crying now so very near.



No i didnt cry but yeah its serious to me.

Answer 1

i shed a few drops of tears. ask me why? my cousin has a sickle cell aneamia. anytime she feels the pains, i feel like this poem. the pains....the agony.....the stress.....sleepless nights... i feel so terrible reading this.

you have actually portrayed how i feel when this happens. thanks a million. keep it up. ....'/'..(sniffs)'[]\[/..,,s,//;

Answer 2

Okay, your fan club just told you how good it was, so let me tell you what you need to work on:

"causing everyone to creak"? What the heck is "creak"? You have an ear for rhyme, so I know you can do better than "creak".

"pain unable to bear"...you need a comma after pain, then drop the one after bear, or something, because it doesn't really make sense the way it's written...I know what you meant, but you didn't put it into words as well as I believe you're able.

I'd also edit this line so it goes like this: "Did I cause this, did I sin?" It works better if you omit the "or" and it adds a needed pause.

The third line of the last stanza...I'd change the word "the" to "that", so it read, "Steal that cup of pain", and I wouldn't use the word "pain" again in the next line...it's already been used enough...it would be enough if you just said "make it go away".

"pour the wrath on me"...what wrath? where did "wrath" come from? Do you want someone to pour "their" wrath on you, or do you want them to pour wrath "out" of you? And why would you want them to make "you" scream? Didn't you say you wanted to help them? Then, "better to be it here"...be "it"? typo maybe? Finally, "crying now so very near"...this is your ending...you need to kick it up a notch...you could at least say, "crying because I'm never near"...something...but you need to improve it.

It has a good amount of power to it, but you need to tighten it up and avoid overusing the word "pain"...you can imply it, but don't wear it out.

keep writing.

Answer 3

Boo-Hoo!!!
Your right it is a serious matter and the saddest thing is that so many pple both young and old fall pray to this most foul and cursed drink.
Robbing reasonable pple of their ability to think.
Its like the demons conspired to concoct this elixor of death.
To drive one to a fatal end or slowly ebbs ones health.

If only it weren't so popular or used as an excuse to erase misery and heart-ache,that their seemingly sound reasons are transparent and fake!!!!!

Answer 4

Poetist,
I certainly see and read that you are going through pain
along with sadness
the line if I was there appeared afew times
and I am interpreting this as guilt.
its okay to cry, don't be ashame
and don't worry what other people think

Answer 5

wow. that poem is really emotional. you are a very good wrotter. you should get your poem plublished. keep writting because i am shure that you will make a living writting poems.

Answer 6

Wow. This poem is absolutely good. Keep writing!!!!

Answer 7

i have to admit, i'm a little bit of a man hater when it comes to poetry, so for me to enjoy it... well... it's good.

keep writting. good release right?

Answer 8

that is really coming from your heart.. i love it and i love how u post it on yahoo answers! it's really cool and thanks for sharing i love poems especially love poems.. (;