My husband puts in a lot of hours at work. He's never around and therefore I dont get the love and effection I need. I met this guy at work and we started hanging out. We started liking each other and hung out more. It's been over 2 yrs now and we are still together (even tho we dont work together anymore). We fell in love. He wants me to leave my husband...but I dont think I can. I still love my husband...He's a great guy. But I also love the other man in my life. What do I do? I'm in my late 20's and been married to him for 8 yrs. We also have kids.
2007-07-26 04:52:25 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Ouch! Tough situation. Do yourself a favor and take some time and space away from the bf. Back away and breathe a little bit. Put the time and energy you devoted to him into your children if you are unable to give it to your husband. Seems like you need to clear your mind and bring your emotions back to neutral. Obviously the bf fills the empty void in your life but you chose the wrong way to fill that void. Sorry to say you have taken the selfish path to self satisfaction. I know this path well and have learned from it. Your husband is working and is a great guy.. wow, you are a lucky girl. You both have most likely created a wonderful family. Stop what you're doing .. your children and husband do not deserve a life altering divorce. Weren't you in love with your husband at one time? Don't leave him, work on your marriage. Seek some professional counseling and tell the bf goodbye. It will be painful but best in the long run for every one involved. Please be the bigger person and see the whole picture, your family needs to come first. Some helpful links attached. Best wishes.
2007-07-26 05:11:12 · answer #1 · answered by ThatGirl 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Honestly, did you really not expect this to happen? I won't degrade you because it seems everyone else already has. This happening shows that you were being selfish however. Did you not ask yourself "how will this effect my children if my husband finds out?" You made a vow to love,honor and cherish your husband FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, did that slip your mind? Is/was it really worth demolishing your marriage, your family...for sex..for someone that has no more morals than to sleep with you knowing you are married? If you "think you can't" leave your husband, you are NOT in love with this other man. You are in an infacuation stage because he pays attention to you, he's around more and shows you more affection. Your husband is working his long hours to provide for his family..he's not a dead beat dad or husband, you're lustful feelings towards this other man has caused this predicament. Do you honestly think that he will be just as affectionate towards you if you do leave your husband? Does he care for your children...he may but no one will ever love them like their own father. I am sorry you are in the predicament but you allowed yourself to be put where you are. And please, do not use your husbands long hours of working as an excuse to make what you have done seem like it was okay. My husband works 12-15 hour shifts, but that man holds my heart in the palm of his hand..as I hold his. Do your husband a favor, ask for a divorce and try to spare him at least some of the hurt. What goes around comes around my dear, don't forget that.
2007-07-26 05:15:30 · answer #2 · answered by lostinflorida05 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I disagree with most of the answers you are getting. If your husband had been paying more attention to you then you would not have felt to find love elsewhere. You are working and raising the kids and he seems to enjoy working more, the question is why does he want to work all the time? Why is he not spending more time at home? For men its easier to be at work than to deal with the hassles of home life. If you think this new love will be better I caution you to think again. Its easy to have a fling without all the responsibility of raising kids. Get a copy of the 5 Love Languages book by Gary Chapman for couples and you will be amazed after reading the book how much you learn about loving others. The greatest thing I can tell you about love is finding someone with whom you have a lot in common with, because if you do not you will be LONELY. Take a hard look at your marriage and see if it is truly worth saving. If you are so unhappy now are you sure you will be happy in the future with even more problems. Jesus gave us two commandments and they both were above love but so many people fail to understand what love is all about. His life was a perfect example of what love is truly about. Good Luck
2007-07-26 05:08:14 · answer #3 · answered by nathan t 1 · 0⤊ 3⤋
Do what you think is best. If leaving your husband was an option then you would have done it already. It wasn't for you so i would say just work things out with your husband and let the other guy go. Sometimes you have to let go of what you love...how do you think that would make your kids feel. Or your husband who's been thinking everything is fine. Its gonna hurt but just tell the other guy that you need to be with your family.
P.S.
Thats how alot of those unsolved mysteries happen with the wife missing and the husband with the kids and don't know whats going on. Anything is possible now a days
2007-07-26 04:58:58 · answer #4 · answered by NEveR ThE LesS 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The time to have thought this through and made the decision was two years ago, before entering into an affair.
I recommend immediately terminating the affair that is outside of your marriage. Whether you intend to stay in your marriage or not, the affair should be terminated. Then you can make a decision about your marriage, based on the facts of your marriage, without input from a partial third party (ie. your lover who wants you for selfish reasons of his own).
Also, seek personal counseling, to help you make the decision that will enable you to become the person you want to be. You do not need tobe dependent on a man to feel loved, learn how to love yourself first. Utilizing a therapist as an impartial third party also will give you perspective on the effects of your decisions, without bias towards meeting selfish needs. Then you will be prepared to communicate with your spouse what your decision is., It will help you know your needs to maintain a healthy relationship, whether with your spouse, your lover, or a new relationship.
On a personal note:
If your is telling you to leave, and that your kids "will be fine," he is wrong.
If you are ten years down the road, and your child tells you they knew you left because you were having an affair, and that made them feel that you chose yourself and your needs over them, can you deal with the guilt you will feel?
2007-07-26 05:46:00 · answer #5 · answered by SweetGGirl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girl I know how you feel. I am almost in the same predictament. I met someone after being fed up with my husbands stuff, his lying, cheating and bad finacial habits. After I fell into this deep depression, a light clicked on in my brain and made me realize, I was beautiful and sexy. Yeah I had gained some wait and felt unattracted, but as soon as I fixed my self up and gained self confidence I met someone. At first it started off as friendly conversation here and there.. but eventually turned into a steamy LOVE Affair; my husband started to ask wonder what had gotten into me LOL!!!!! if only he knew. I did not care what my husband did or neither did I care about his where abouts. After several months of us living like roomates, he started to show me attention wanted spend time with me. I didn't want it. It was like I was almost numb to the fact that he was pouring out his heart. I did not care that he was trying, I was happy with what I was doing, this guy made me happy in so many ways that I haven't felt in a long time. Maybe two month's ago my mystery man bought a house and asked me to bring me and my children to live with him. But wait a minute..... mind you I still have my own house and a husband what in the hell am I to do. I chose to stay with my husband. simply because that is where my is. Sometimes we are blinded by that new love feeling. The feeling that we had from the beggining, and I realized that if my husband was pouring out his heart to me and changing before my eyes then I owe my marriage and my family one more try.
2007-07-26 07:01:40 · answer #6 · answered by Sexxy T 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To have to ask what to do is kinda a little late!!!!!!! You have made your choice and broken your wedding vows, they did say "for better or WORSE". You must be very immature that you didn't get attention so you went elsewhere. I hope that you can make the best decision not for you or even your husband, but for your children. You have to stop thinking of yourself now and remember that they are involved and not only have you put yourself in front of your husband and his feelings but you have decided that you are more important then the children.
You have made your decision to be with this other man so go to him and hope that when he gets bored with you like you got with your husband he does not do the same to you, b/c obviously marriage and commitment to him mean nothing also.
2007-07-26 05:14:55 · answer #7 · answered by reh075 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since There are so many answer I doubt you'll even see this.
I wont chastise you as other have. I know how hard it is when work pulls you from your marriage and your spouse grows apart from to where you are no more than friendly strangers.
AS you still enjoy your husband and children, keep that intact.You find more rewards with your children and thir father than with out them. Be thankful that you are loved my two men. Your new lover knows that you were married before your relationship started. He has to realise that your life is with your family. He and you were outside of that life. He is probably single, since he is asking you to surrender so much.
Your decision is one of three:
1. Leave your family for your new love and begin a new life.
2. Keep everything as it is, living life with your family and stealing moments with your lover.
3. Tell you lover to move on and relish the memories you two shared.
Good Luck with your decision, I know it will be a rough one
2007-07-26 06:23:19 · answer #8 · answered by zax_fl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel very sorry for the kind of reaction some people have left for you on this question.How dare they judge or question you as a mother. This has NOTHING to do with being a mother but as a woman.
There is love, lust and being in love. Love is the unconditional, caring feeling that you feel for another. Lust is the pulsating, urge that you have when you see/meet another that makes you loose your breath or your heart skip a beat- it is pheramones. Being in love is the thought of love without giving yourself completely but dreaming of what it would be like.
As it's been over two years I would suspect that you are deep into this guy and that your husband is probably aware of what is going on but is quite happy to have the security of the marriage.
You need to decided which is right for you? Perhaps in your eyes he is your man and that your husband is the other man but regardless of whom you choose, it is your choice. Your heart will tell you.
As to the children, moving on with your life and being with this guy will NOT mess them up. If they see you happy you will be too you just need to know that both you and their father need to be amicable and put their best needs before any bickering. Don't use them as a bargaining chip in any divorce or visitation settlements!
2007-07-26 05:17:34 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, it's easy for people to pass judgements and say you're a whore, a cheat, and whatever. To get deeper to understand that you didn't "intend" for this to happen in the first place but over time things just happen, isn't as easy.
To come out and say it knowing fully well that you'll get a back-lash for it, that's commendable. I congratulate you for that.
There are a lot of factors that you'll have to look at before you decide what to do. First, we don't tell you what to do, you have to find that answer from within. One thing that might help you decide is to do this:
--- Might sound silly, but first pleasure yourself (masturbate or whatever you do to for that). I say this because it completely eliminates the sexual/physical bias you might have.
--- Then you can focus on the more objective aspects --- isolate each (like children, your husband, your friend, etc.) and see how it would directly impact each one.
It finally comes down to what you can live with for the rest of your life and what you'd never be able to pardon yourself if you did that ...............
Hope this helps darling :-)
2007-07-26 05:06:07 · answer #10 · answered by this_big_one_is_4u 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋