I don't know how to deal with my husband's totally rude reaction...?

Question

Last night my son (3 yrs) came to our bed and when he does this he wants his Dad and only his Dad to return him to his bed. We struggled for over a year to get him to sleep in his own bed and so I really want him to be returned to his bed. Some nights my husband is so sleepy he doesn't realize and my son stays in our bed all night and wakes up the baby (in our room) in the morning by talking loudly or the other way around. Anyway, last night he came to the bed and was just standing their kind of crying because my husband wouldn't get up to return him and I was tapping him on the shoulder and he just kept sleeping, so finally he jumped up and said to me "I don't give a SH*T, I'm so sick of you!!" right in front of my son and woke up the baby.

The next morning I called him about something to do with our bills and was short with him and he is asking me what's wrong and I said "I really don't want to talk about it now" and he kept asking what he did wrong! He completely forgot!

he's done this many times before and usually when he stays up to watch TV or a game is waaay to tired to get up for our son. I keep telling him to go to bed at a decent time so he isn't so verbally abusive (and he's real cranky towards the kids during the day).

I'm getting tired of being yelled at at night and then he just has amnesia or something. It's like he has multiple personalities! What do I do, what do I say to him? How do I deal with this? I couldn't sleep for 2 hours last night because I was upset.

he said that to ME not my son.

I take care of thebaby with the feedings all night and take care of the kids ALL day I think that's quite enough on my part, all he has to do is get up for 10 seconds and return him!

I am surprised people are actually telling me to do MORE parenting than I already do. You know I get tired from running after the kids all day and if he just too tired because he wants to watch TV why should I pay for it. I haven't gotten a straight 7, 6 or even 5 hours of sleep in the last 4 years, he's slept through hundreds of nights, my son doesn't come to our bed everynight, usually once every other night. How am I being unfair to my husband?

I don't nap during the day, I have a 3 yr old that doesn't nap!

Answer 1

Tell him exactly what he did and that you will be taking the TV away until he learns to control his temper and pays attention to his children. If he does not accept this, throw divorce papers at him and say that you will be fighting for majority custody.

Answer 2

It sounds like he misses having some time to himself which is why he stays up late watching TV, but the problem is compounded when he can't get enough sleep and he gets more frustrated. All of us can act pretty irrationally if we're constantly tired and frustrated.

Just remember it's not a permanent thing, soon the kids will be in their own rooms and you'll get a lot more sleep. Just try to keep calm with each other and cut slack both ways until you can get more sleep and space.

Answer 3

Your husband, by your own admission, is a bit sleep deprived. He's 1/2 asleep when he says this (or 3/4) which at the very least means, it's very similar to being drunk. You don't have all your facilities.
Now I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to take control of your child. YOU are also his PARENT. They don't always get what they want. YOU set the rules. Tell him NO. Daddy is SLEEPING and YOU will put him to bed. Then do it.
You might want to put the baby in another room cause you're just going to get to repeat this situation later. Your bedroom is a place for you and your husband. It's not a family room. Where is the romance and intimacy with a roomful of kids. If you want to keep your marriage, you best think of your man's needs too.

Answer 4

Lack of sleep can make any man crazy. My kids are very demanding, and I usually play along and have fun. But when I am tired or not feeling well, it takes all my strength to be nice to them. My wife will usually say "Daddy's not feeling well, he will play with you later/tomorrow, etc"

Everyone needs a break, and although watching tv late is a bad habit, I use it to unwind, and when I turn to fall asleep, it's just bad timing when the little ones walk into the bedroom right as I fall asleep. Hire a Japanese woman to watch the kids, and try to have some couple time.

Answer 5

It seems he was not fully awake at the time. Look, you are both tired, both working - you taking care of the kids and home, him at work, call a truce and work this out.

I had the same situation when my kids were little. Your 3 year old feels insecure and left out. His baby brother/sister gets to sleep close to mum and dad while he does not. He is 3 and not much more than a baby himself. You can either get a mattress that you keep on the floor in your room for him to sleep on or move baby into his/her own room. I did the latter and it worked.

Good luck

Answer 6

OK, while I'm not excusing your husband behavior at all, ask yourself why you are allowing the 3 year old to dictate the terms under which he will return to his own bed? I would've gotten up (since I was the one already awake), lovingly got the child what he wanted (drink of water, story, etc.), then I would've lovingly put the child back to his bed. If he asked for daddy, I would've said that daddy's still sleeping, and I'm not going to wake him up while I'm already awake. If the child started complaining about that, I would've stated firmly that he needs to stay in his bed, and simply walked out. You don't want to put you and your child in a position where the only parent who can disipline him is daddy--because daddy isn't always there. Kids easily become "mommy deaf" anyway, don't make it worse.

I'll bet your husband wasn't all the way awake when he said what he did to you--especially if it was completely out of character. My husband has done stuff like that when our kids were little (they're 13 and 17 now), and honestly didn't remember it the next morning. You're at a rough stage of parenting--I call it the sleepless stage. Sleep deprivation is rough...there's no way around it when the kids are your kids ages.

You shouldn't have been short with him on the phone about the bills--keep disagreements limited to the issue--don't drag other issues into it. There's no reason for you to be rude to him because you're not happy with something he's done--especially considering he doesn't remember doing it!!

Do you guys spend time together--without the kids? The most important thing you can do for your marriage at this point in your life is to make the time for a weekly date with each other. It's so easy to get completely wrapped up in the kids, that you forget completely about each other. Remember, if you guys weren't together--there wouldn't BE any kids. My dad used to tell us kids that while he loves us, he loved our mother first, and he never lets us forget that. My husband has told our children the same thing--we love our children dearly--but we loved each other long before they even came into the picture, and we'll be together long after they've got lives of their own. Spend the time on your marriage and each other, and it will pay off big time in the years to come.

Oh yeah, and apologize to your hubby for being short with him on the phone. Then tell him why you were. Good luck!

Answer 7

Hi Rooney,

The next time he reacts this way, he needs to be awake. Wake him up, and force him to help you get the children in bed and back to sleep.

He needs to be more respectful and tivo his games and watch them at a more logical time, and help you get the kids to bed. It is a two way street and doesn't sound like he is pulling his share of the workload.

Like it or not, when you become a parent, it is no longer about YOU. Staying up to watch a game is a luxury. He is still responsible for his children. What if one of them becomes sick, during the night? Sleepy or not, he needs to get his *** awake and handle the situation.

That late at night is never a good time to try and talk to a spouse, or iron out issues. But if you force him to wake up, he will see firsthand the effect his reaction had. Then he will realize it has happened before, and possibly change his behavior.

Telling someone you have a problem with them, might get results. Showing them how their behavior affects others, is more likely to have a lasting effect on him.

Good luck to you ~

Answer 8

Sit down with hubby and calmly tell him what happened.
Mine has done this before too. I just get pissed off at him and in a few days we're better. But anyways - Men are just NOT cut out for parenting in the middle of the night. Most men that is, there are exceptions. That is why it is usually the woman getting up with the baby and putting any other kids back to bed when they get up.
My suggestion, this is what I did.
We have a 8 yr old son, 5 yr old son, and a 7 month old daughter. I told hubby that for the first 1-2 years of their lives, I will get up with them, feed them, put them back to bed, whatever. (Mostly b/c I am still breastfeeding my daughter). But after that, it was up to him. If my 5 yr old gets up in the middle of the night, I MAKE my hubby get up and put him back to bed. He finally realized that I "paid my dues" with that son, and now he has to pitch in. Plus, I still occasionally get up with our daughter......
Good luck!

Answer 9

In sickness and in health is the thought to keep in mind, think of if this were you with the cancer? Your husband would be by ur side doing the same as your doing right now. Now dont just say sorry, make it a sincear apology, to your husband and daughter, maybe find something fun to do with the family that can make up for things. But stay positive and things will get better =) fix things before you loose the chance to.

Answer 10

He is a sound sleeper...duh! How could you be so insensitive?

If this is all you have to complain about you should be happy or at least less of an ***.

People who wake from a deep sleep will be snappy and irritable and won't remember in the morning. That is normal.

You should take to him when he is fully awake and make a plan for when your son comes into your bed.

Good Luck

Answer 11

Guys sleep deep. We don'r always actually regain conscousness when awoken in the middle of the night. We do sometimes react badly and borderline violently during this. WE rarely have any recollection that it happened.

Stress is believed to be a major factor in this. However it is reported that it lessens with age, yeah lot of good that does you.

This is something that you two need to discuss rationally instead of being a b...h when he is awake- You are only adding to the stress.

Old Guy- Been there