Where is my mummy?
The water is growing higher.
Higher and higher it doesn’t stop.
Water is gushing everywhere and people are screaming.
Mummy I yell but it’s too late
Fighting for my life, I kick and scream
Like the people before me I start to sink lower and lower.
I can’t breath
Where is my mummy?
it has to be about a frightening aspect of nature.
this is meant to be about tsunami. lol i know it's gay.
help me make it better?
2007-07-24 22:04:33 · 8 answers · asked by xShabooyah 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
add more descriptives about nature...
Describe what you see, what you hear...
e.g., you mention screaming- describe the screaming... is it a blood curdling scream?...
2007-07-24 22:10:03 · answer #1 · answered by spunky_psychologist 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, first of all, you are asking for help to make your poem better...that means you understand it needs a little work, so that's a plus.
"mummy" might be okay in the U.K., but it doesn't really ring with most American readers. "Mommy" is pretty much universal...but hey, it's your poem, choose the pronouciation or vernacular you feel suits the place of the poems victim.
What you're trying to do is write about the thoughts of a child about to die in a tsunami. This is really gut wrenching stuff...so you have to tread lightly and deliberately here. You have two options that come to my mind. One, you can run all the words together to symbolize the frenetic last thoughts of a dying child, as in:
Where is my mummy?
The water is growing higher and higher and it doesn’t stop and it's gushing everywhere and people are screaming...Mummy!!!
I scream! but it’s too late fighting for my life I kick and scream like the people all around me I start to sink lower and lower I can’t breathe...
Where is my mummy?
Or, you break it up into gasps of air...like this:
Where is my mummy?
The water is
getting higher
Higher and
higher and
it doesn’t stop.
Water is gushing everywhere
and people are screaming.
Mummy! I yell
but it’s too late
Fighting for my life
I kick and scream
Like the people all around me
I'm sinking!
lower and lower.
I can’t breathe!
Where is my mummy!
You can see I also changed a word here and there to make it sound closer to broken thoughts. This is not the only way to edit it, but you asked to see how it could be made better...so I hope this has given you some ideas on where to go from here.
Keep writing
2007-07-28 16:32:51 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love it.
It's "Marvelous". Keep it up. Well done
It's really a poem and every word is a poem.
Splendid.
You're surprisingly making me scare of Tsunami. The horror of Tsunami. Tsunami the greatest killer.
2007-07-24 22:36:37 · answer #3 · answered by AHMAD FUAD Harun 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
a friend of a friend was on one of those islands when the boxing day tsunammi hit - she didn't know what was going on people were just just all running and screaming and it was just like you had to run or be trampled so she did and she ended up this hill with like 100s of other people and they just like wathched the whole thing come inland like cover everything and drag everything - even unluckt people out to sea . they didn't actually see a wave .
2007-07-24 22:18:37 · answer #4 · answered by sendmeo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
words are full of meaning, poem is full of water, life is full of sense and so worth living it!
wow! I made me love it even more.
and it's more precious than 10 points!
2007-07-24 22:11:53 · answer #5 · answered by dimapoet 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well i dont know much about poems an yours is okay but a little scary other wise its cool.
2007-07-24 22:16:25 · answer #6 · answered by pure chick 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Add more description of what is happening around.
2007-07-24 22:13:42 · answer #7 · answered by Subhasis G 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think ur poem is ok??
2007-07-24 22:07:46 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋