Poem feedback?

Question

If I entered your thoughts
what would I find?
Will it keep at peace the worries that
wrestle through my mind?
How will this work
if you don't talk to me?
I try so hard but you don't seem to see.
How can these bonds of trust we held,
no longer seem to meld?
I ask you this in hope that you'll understand
things will not work if we do not go through this together
hand in hand.

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how much is infinity?

how close is almost there?

how long is a long time?

when is soon?

when is later?

where is here?

where is there?

who is us?

who is they?

what is a feeling?

what is a sound?

why am I here?

why are you?

Answer 1

I have to give my most honest answer here.These 2 poems have really good messages behind them but i don't think it should be called a poem.The words at the end doesn't rhyme that well and the some of the sentences seem to be too long.....That's all i have to say.Sorry....

Answer 2

The problem with the first "expression" is that your word choice is unoriginal. For example, "If I entered your thoughts what would I find?" I'll grant you those might have been the first words that came to your mind, but to write poetry, after those words came into your mind, you need to STRETCH. How would you say that differently? Poetry is usually not about what comes into your mind first. That's the concept. Poetry is about taking the concept and drilling down into the identification of feelings, concepts, etc. that make your observations stand out from everybody else. Do you think that first line stands out from everybody else?

If you keep this critique in mind, take yourself through the whole piece. There's nothing original here, language-wise. Drill down.

In the second piece, I see prose, not poetry. It might not be recognizable to you, but you've really created a conversation of sorts (ok, maybe a monologue). And that's totally ok. Just don't call it poetry. Call it prose, call it a letter to a friend, something else, and then work it as such. It doesn't mean it has any less value. It's just a different form. Turn it into a paragraph and then use the expanded form to explore what you really wanted to say.

Post the revision here. We'll read it. Chances are you'll get more insightful comments because you will have written more insightful pieces.

Answer 3

To me, a poem should tell a story, sing a song, or make some kind of sense out of life. I wrote this one a while back to give you an example.

Mother
There is a lady, old and gray, down by the railroad track.
She says she has a home down there. It is a cardboard shack.
The frame is made from lumber scraps, picked up along the way.
Each wall is just a cardboard box that someone threw away.
The roof, a piece of rusty tin, beside the track she found.
Her cookstove is an open fire, her couch is just the ground.
Her table is an old wire spool, her china's made from glass.
She sits and thinks of better times, when she was upper class.
I like to sit and talk with her, I'd like to help her out.
She says she knows that times are hard, she says that she won't pout.
She isn't crazy, I'll tell you, I've talked with her a lot.
I've found out what it is she wants, to be a burden, not.
She told me of the kids she's raised, and of her husband too.
She told me of her pretty house, with such a lovely view.
She told me of the heart attack, that took her man away.
She told me how the bank came by and said she could not stay.
She told me how she hated them for many, many years.
As she told her story, sad, I watched her shed a tear.
Her eyes got wet and then she smiled, and told me be not sad.
I have no bills, she said to me, and I am truly glad.
My needs are simple, they're not much, my God is with me here.
I find I have no use, she says, of whiskey, wine, or beer.
Then from her bag she showed to me, her fingers were so deft.
Her family Bible was in there, it's all that she had left.
She flipped the pages, one by one, she'd memorized them well.
Her eyes lit up as she did this,"There's nothing it won't tell".
It tells us of the start of time. It tells us of the end.
It tells us how to treat a spouse, and how to treat a friend.
It tells us turn the other cheek, and love our enemy.
It sounded like my mother's voice was coming back to me.
I bent down and took her hand, said, with me come along.
As we walked down to my house, she sang a little song.
I have some kids to share with her, they all love one another.
Once again, she feels fullfilled. She feels like someone's mother.

Answer 4

The first poem was actually pretty good. I'd add "out" between "not" and "work" near the end though...makes it read easier.

Second poem...well, it's flat. Questions in a column do not a poem always make :) if you get my drift. Your second poem didn't go anywhere...and any one of the questions could have been the subject of its own poem...but that is not sufficient to make "it" a poem.

The first poem needs a little editing on the line breaks...try reading them out loud and wherever you pause, put a line break in.

Good job on poem number 1.

Answer 5

Be these truly questions?or just a rhyming jest
what answers are you seeking?which ones would suit you best?

Do you truly want to know the answers that lurk behind these eyes?
Or would you rather... hear a bunch of pretty lies?
If you have to ask these questions, are you sure your love is true?
Or more to the point now... is he in love with you???

Answer 6

Yikes!

Answer 7

actually they dont look like poems , first one is nice but didnt like the second one ! to be frank!