A Woman's Sex Drive?

Question

I have been married for six years and my wife's and I's sex life is minimal. When we talk, she tells me she has no sex drive and doesn't know how to make it better. She swears to me that she is still very attracted to me but it's to the point it is effecting our marriage. Can anyone give suggestions on how to increase her sex drive? We have tried pornography, which works but it is a temporary fix. Any Idea's?

I do most of the house work around the house, the only thing she really does is the laundry. I cook, we switch on who bathes the kids, and i put them to bed. I do all sorts of things for her like buying her sweet little gifts, running baths for her and bathing her, writing poems for her and leaving her messeges on myspace.

the pornography thing is an extreme measure, it's something that she likes but I really don't care for. I don't want her sexual desires to be fabricated from watching other men. As far as talking and communicating, I am all for that, I constantly sit down with her and ask her what I need to change, what her complaints are and I work hard to change for her. The thing is, I love her so much, and we have a beautiful family together and six years of my life invested into her. I have a hard time accepting defeat and giving up. I know I will never have this kind of love again.
As far as getting a "real woman", I've been married six years, have three kids, what woman in her right mind would take on a challenge like that. Its not like i am brad pitt.

Answer 1

This is actually a good questiont hat I will be watching for myself. I am in the same boat as your wife. I just don't feel like having sex. I'm not cheating or getting it somewhere else, I just don't want it at all. It's causing amajor problems with my husband, he tells me I'm not a good wife because of it. And no matter how hard I try, it just doesn't get better. I work ALOT so I'm always tired, I think that had alot to do with it also.
Maybe, if you tried talking to her to see if there is anything you can do to help. I know that if my husband started doing things around the house to help me out, you would have to pry me off of him with a crowbar, just because it's so not liek him to help!
Have the two of you tried to talk to anyone about this? Maybe she doesn't feel so pretty anymore? Or maybe she's feeling old and out of it? A woman has to feel sexy in order to get into the sex thing!

Answer 2

You are correct, porno is just a temporary fix at best, it is shallow and unrealistic in most cases. Try simple things like being more observant of what you both eat and when you eat. Take short walks around the neighbourhood together, be spontaneous about different things. Don;t plan to go to the movies, just go and enjoy the time together. Get in the car and go away for a weekend. If work life is getting in the way, then time to simplify your life. Spend less time at work and more time communicating with each other. What good is all the money you make on working so much if you can't enjoy it with someone special? Maybe the house needs some work, like painting a room together, do some gardening together.

Therapists should really only be a last resort when all other avenues have been exhausted. Hope this helps you.

Answer 3

Does she work a 40 hr a week job? if so this may stress her out. Is she on birth control ( from first hand experience it made my sex drive go to zero, once i stopped it came right back). Is she on any other medication that could do it as well. You seem to be very sweet I wish my fiance did that stuff for me:) Is she a little overweight? A womans self esteem and how she is comfortable with her body can really affect her sex drive. If she does no physical activity this limits sex drive as well. I hope you get this worked out, sex is a very important part of a relationship.

Answer 4

I have heard of this many times. The only thing I can suggest that you get some kind of counseling like sex therapy also have her checked out she might be having some kind of hormonal imbalance. Don't jump into any kind of conclusions just be loving and patient. I have heard of this mostly when women were molested as a child. Talk to her and find out what is really going on. almost in all cases that I have talked to about this issue had something to do with childhood fears and must be dealt with.

Answer 5

It sounds like you're taking it personally, which you should definitely get out of your mind now. I assure you that it bothers her that she doesn't feel as womanly as she once did, and it's only going to make her feel worse if you lay all your ego problems on her too.

First of all, she should probably see a doctor to make sure there is not a physical reason for her loss of sex drive such as a hormonal imbalance, diabetes, PCOS, etc. If a physical cause is ruled out, perhaps she is having depression or too much stress. Is she overworked with a job, children and running a household. Did you realize that women of today who are employed outside the home still come home and perform over 70% of the household responsibilities? Don't know if that's your situation, but it's something to explore.

Answer 6

Not sure why but in my first marriage i had absolutely no desire for sex. I think it was due to unresolved emotions, but every time he came near me i just got the creeps.....eventually our marriage ended and i felt so relived that i could actually get sleep at night without the worry he was going to force it on me anyway.

Now i am remarried and my sex drive is off the hook..i cant get laid enough i want it 5-7 times a day and will suck mt man d**k just because it looks like it might need some luv, every time we watch T.V. i end up sucking my husband off i just cant keep him out of my mouth he is so yummy!!

Maybe its hormones, maybe its unresolved issues from the past, but get it figured out u guys are missing out!!

FYI i never cheated on my husband, i really had no desire for sex, not with him or anyone at the time.

Answer 7

Is she on any meds or birth control that can be killing her sex drive, it happens. Have her see a doc, or she needs to find her energy back, have a date night, do more things together, leave her lil notes here and there, and touch, rub kiss her here and there for no reason and warm her up, also compromise, make out more often, even when im not in the mood when we start making out im okay with having sex. Start with lil things, take showers together.Asks her what would she like to try, or make a lil fantasy of hers come true.

Answer 8

First to Jen: You are the answer to your own question. Get in gear girl, your man deserves to feel loved. We all do things everyday that we are ambivalent about or have no desire necessarily to do. But if it's the right thing to do we just do them anyway. Sex is obviously an important way your man feels loved, appreciated and cherished by his woman (you). You have the power to make him feel loved. Why would you withold? Seriously, if sex was causing you serious pain or something, then you'd have a basis for saying 'I can't do this right now'. But just feeling 'blah/I don't know if I'm all that interested' isn't an excuse or a reason not to take care of someone who has committed his life to you (and who you have committed your life to). I hope this doesn't come across harshly because I think you at least have the right attitude and I think you are open to hearing the solution which is 'just do it'. Reverse the situation. Pick something that is important to you but that is maybe not as important to him, and imagine that he started witholding on you for no better reason than 'I don't know if I feel like it'. Maybe it's something as simple as having him verbally tell you 'I love you'. Imagine how hurt you would be if he suddenly said 'Honey, I'm going through some hormone changes and I just don't know how to get in touch with my feelings so much. So even though I still love you I've decided I'm not sure I'm in the mood anymore to tell you that I love you, so please don't expect that. I know it's no skin off my nose but I'm just not sure I'm in the mood to be verbally appreciative and I'm not going to tell you I love you anymore'.

That's an exaggerrated example and I don't even know if that's something that's important to you, but you get the idea. This is the man you love, and you have the power to show him how much you love him. Plus sex is... fun. You might find your sex drive coming back if you start engaging in it.

Good luck.

Now Jennifer C: Your answer shows you have a really narrow view of men. Big Daddy (weird nickname there) is asking a completely earnest question. He (and all men for that matter) are entitled to their feelings and should not have a sex question dismissed as being symptomatic of an 'ego problem'. Big Daddy is not wrong for recognizing that his wife's unwillingness to show her love for him is a problem. His ego has nothing to do with it. The rest of your answer is filled with good options to explore, but I just have a real problem with you chastizing him for daring to have feelings and be hurt. Men have feelings too, and this is a valid concern. It's also a very personal problem, and I don't know how you can expect him not to take it personally - it's his personal situation with his wife, for crying out loud.

Big Daddy: Bro, I feel for you. Porn isn't the answer though, for absolutely certain. There are certain techniques you can use to help stimulate arousal in a woman (& I'm not talking about just where to touch her - the arousal has to start long before the physical). For the physical parts of arousal, I recommend reading John Gray's 'Mars and Venus in Love'... if memory serves that's the one about sexual stimulation. But for the more important part of arousing your woman's attraction I actually recommend you read some of the literature for pick up artists. I'd start with Neil Strauss's 'The Game' and go from there. It might sound weird to read a guide to how to pick up women, but the psychology of interest and attraction is golden and a fantastic tool for any man trying to please his woman, not just for single men trying to attract a mate.

There are also a few chemical stimulants on the market now for women, but I honestly don't know how effective they are so I'll refrain from commenting.

Good luck bro.

Answer 9

Try turning her on. Put on some music, lit a candle. Run her a nice bubble bath. Buy her some sexy lingerie. Massage her back and feet. Make her feel like a woman.
Be spontaneous. Come home for lunch and have a quickie. Take her on a picnic. Strip for her. Take her to a hotel. Try new positions. Send her sexy love notes. Cook her a dinner. And she can also do these things for you.

Answer 10

Maybe its biological, or some other underlying issue. Cuz you sound really great, ****, i wanna marry you. But keep trying different things, dont give up, try going out, that always helps with my hubby. Home life can get u down sometimes....