Can someone tell me if these three lines need some work or if I should leave them the way they are?

Question

I write a lot of poetry and I would love to have someones opinion on what I write. In this case I just need someones opinion on these three lines. It's like no matter what I do, I can't stop editing it.


I can remember when these soken cheeks, had more than a whisper and a memory to keep
'Cause I've found that it's easier to be broken, when everything else is so whole
And it's just so much easier to go on, than to be stuck in some old broken home

Answer 1

Wow! Aren't you glad you only posted three lines? Okay, here's one more set of comments:

The first line would be better served as two lines, and as noted elsewhere, I'm not sure what "soken" meant...unless you mean cheeks that had be "soaked" with tears...? or did you mean "sunken"? Different meaning, different images...not sure which way you were leaning. However, try this:

I can remember when these soft-spoken cheeks,
had more than whispers and secrets to keep

then..."And I've learned it's easier to be broken
when everything else is whole"

This sets up the next line to make a counter argument or a "turn"...but it has to connect with the previous two lines...unfortunately your poem doesn't do that very well as written. However, try this:

How much easier then to carry on, than to pick up the pieces of a broken home.

the entire three lines would then read:

I can remember when these soft-spoken cheeks,
had more than whispers and secrets to keep
And I've learned it's easier to be broken
when everything else is whole
How much easier then to carry on, than to pick up the pieces of a broken home?

This is only a suggestion on a direction, and not mean to rewrite your poem. However, the attempt was to tie the decision in the last pair of lines with the conclusions or lessons learned in the first two sets. If you're going to present only three lines out of context, the lines will be taken as self-sustaining...I hope this was your intent and that my suggestions helped to inspire you to a solution.

Answer 2

Ok, first off hard to just look at three lines out of the context of the poem, any suggestion might be somewhat off due to lack of information.

First some very basic ideas (choose to use them or toss them just throwing them out there):

I'm not familiar with soken. I'm not sure this is a real word. If I'm wrong let me know--I've been wrong a lot I'm used to it.

Generally too many words here, too prosey. The lines seem much too long. I also don't think the ideas flow well between the lines.

Line 1: So, there is something hidden behind the cheeks...you would think that a revelation was coming.

L2: Interesting, I don't see how it relates to the last line though

L3: I can see how this might relate to line 2 but not how either relates to line 1.

So, yes I think there is work to do here, and I'm not trying to be harsh just give you an assessment. Without the full poem though it's hard to see what really works and what doesn't work.

Answer 3

I would like to make a suggestion. Your second and third lines contradict each other. Poems are usually the feelings of someone laid down with pen on paper. Usually a persons feelings do not contradict themselves. In the second line you say its easier to be broken and in the third line you say it's easier to go on. I would work on making those two lines agree with each other. Your first line is great and the reader can feel what you are feeling as you wrote it. I suggest you either change the second line or the third one to match the feeling of the other. Usually brokeness means you have given up and cannot go on any longer. If that is true, then it can't be much easier to go on. Also, the word Soken is spelled soaken if you are referring to crying. You might try wording your last line by saying that it's not so easy to go on but you must so that you do not have to be stuck in some old broken home. Then all your lines will agree. I hope that helps. Keep on writing. You do have talent. You might try joining a poetry circle in your town. Most towns have them. You can check with the library or Chamber of Commerce to see if they know of any. That way you can read your poetry in front of the group and get some good input for getting even better.

Answer 4

COuld you make the first line more clear? "had more than a whisper and a memory to keep", Ijust don't get this part.
In the second line, you should leave out " 'cause" It would sound better if this line was stated more matter of fact.
I would change this part in the 3rd line "some old broken home" to "some broken, old, home". Also proper punctuation makes poetry more easy to read and yours is missing quite a bit.

I like the lines though, keep it up.

Answer 5

None of the lines reflect on the one preceding or after it. Referring to yourself as "broken" as being "easier" and then to redress "broken" as an adjective describing a hardship ie, being "stuck in some old broken home", understood as something to be avoided.
The lines are each interesting and grab the attention, they just need to pull together in thought.
I'm no authority, just love prose and poetry; with a beginning, middle and end so I take away some impression to think upon, laugh at or with or cry in response. Good luck!

Answer 6

I like it... a few things I would suggest would be think of the connection you are describing between cheeks and whisper/memory. Normally cheeks don't think or hear so you may play with the words a little. Also, I like line 2 except for the word whole, it just doesn't flow with the rest of the line. I like line 3. Good luck and nice work!

Answer 7

I like all of it except for the last bit. To me "some old broken home" doesn't flow the way it should. maybe try "this broken home", or "this home so old and broken" I like the second one myself but it's your work not mine.




Good Day!!

Answer 8

as my college english teacher told me when i asked the same question of her, there is no wrong or right in poetry- you can put a ? in the middle of a word if you want. it's all about the feelings coming through... and yes, i do feel you so keep writing from the heart

Answer 9

you speak of remembering in the beginning.
and that its easier to be broken, second.
and easier to go on third.
it doesnt fit that way.?
its just so much easier to go on ; I can remember when these ; cause i've found that its easier to be broken ....
try that okay.