Help! My M-I-L is insisting on coming as soon as I go into labor?

Question

My M-I-L lives hours away by plane. She is insisting that she buy an "open" ticket so she can jump on a plane the second I go into labor. Her intention is to care for my almost 3 year old son and, of course, with the new baby.

Here is the problem: Obviously we have to have other childcare in place - it will still take her a hours get here, but she seems offended by that. Secondly, she came 3 weeks after my son was born to "help" and she was absolutely NO help. In fact, she was so aggravating, I screamed into pillows to keep from losing my mind. She would offer to do the laundry, for example, and then stop in the middle of a load because she wasn't sure if she was doing it the way I wanted & just leave the stuff in a pile until I figured it out. All she did to "help" was "insist" on taking the baby for the night even when I said I didn't want her to (I really really didn't want her to).

I know I have to let her be involved, but how do I insist that she come a few days later

ps: just an added note: she is extremely passive agreesive and will likely weep, cry her eyes out, and buy the ticket anyway. My husband tends to just not deal with it because he has already dealt with this his whole life.

another note (sorry, I just can't stop myself). She is a terrific cook and manages just fine at home, but will literally fall to pieces because she's not sure if it's okay if she puts salt on the chicken when she cooks it, even though we request the yummy things we know she knows how to cook.

Answer 1

Grrrrr. M-I-L's drive me nuts. I have one that's incredibly similar to yours. She's coming to "help" with my birth this weekend. I know I'm gonna end up catering to my "guests" more than they'll be helping me out after the delivery. *sigh*

If she's offended that you have childcare arrangements with someone else, then that's her problem. Like you said, you HAVE to have a plan in place because it will be hours before she arrives. When she arrives, tell her where the kids are so that she can pick them up and take them back to your house. While you're in the hospital, have your hubby deal with her as much as possible. You can even ask the nurses to make sure that she does not come into the delivery room. They have ways of keeping her at bay for you. That's what I did with my first son. lol

As far as the laundry and other 'helpful' things she tries to do. Just smile and say, "Just do it the way you do it at home. It's all the same in the end." And live by that! Know that she's gonna go home and you can get back to your usual self in a matter of days. Someone also gave me some good advice: to keep her out of your hair, constantly ask her to do things for you. That's why she's there. Ask her to please change your other childs diaper, or hand you your slippers, or run to the market to get some more milk.... things like that.

I'm dreading my M-I-L coming down this weekend for a whole week, but I think I'll survive. I'm sure you will too. Know that there is someone out there going through the EXACT same thing. Best of luck my dear! Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Answer 2

Just be straight foward with her! Tell her you already have it arranged so that you can make this bonding for the immediate family and that it is different this time than last because you do not want too much comotion right after the baby comes due to jealousy issues for your older child...something like that. Tell her she would be much much much more helpful if she held off a week or so cause then you will be home and your older child will really need someone to pay extra attention to him. You just have to be up front and say no thank you! If she gets mad well so be it! you are a raging horomone right now and if it makes her feel better she can blame it on that even though you know the truth!

Answer 3

My sister's husband flew me across the country to look after his family, so that my sister could look after the new baby. I did the laundry, cooked the meals, cleaned the house, and took the kids out to the park while mom and baby napped. There has to be a plan "B" for childcare, because you M-I-L can not predict the future and does not know what is going to happen to her. You could decide to call her AFTER the baby is born instead of the minute you go into labour. How does your husband feel about this? What is your M-I-L's relationship to her 3 year old grandchild? These are all factors you and your husband need to weigh before deciding how and when to respond to your M-I-L.

Answer 4

i was sooo in your shoes with my daughter. i tried to tell her that we would be fine that there was more she could do later when we settled home after the delivery.haha she ended up at the hospital and kept telling the doctor to hurry and get the baby out,and she had three kids must have thought that modern medicine is really that easy..anyway she was soo bad..i am telling you to talk to your husband and gently yet firmly let him know how you feel and that you want to have as stess free of a delivery as possible and that delaying her arrival even for a day would be of great help to you and the baby since you being comfortable is key to baby's health.try to work it out and meet in the middle..i so do not wish what i went thru on anyone so talk to him and have him talk to her alone or both of you can try..i wish you all the best!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 5

Well, you don't have to let her be as involved as she wants,only as much as YOU want.It's your baby being born,not hers.You truly need to enlist your husband's help on this one.You also could write down EXPLICIT to the letter instructions that your Dr./midwife has suggested about rest,housework etc.
You also don't need to have her come the moment you are in labor(chances are you will have a quicker labor than last time,it being your 2nd baby.)
You really need your husband to back you on this,being stressed about this is not a good thing at this point.
Say to her something like"The 4 of us really need to bond as a family for awhile and will let you know when it is a good time to visit. Even my Mom(or Grandma,aunt whoever) is not coming until...."
If she is offended it is on her,not you.

Answer 6

One of the things that my grandmother told me when I was pregnant is that it's important that the family that's coming to "help" realize that what you want help with is everything except the baby. This is your new baby, and while, of course, everyone is going to want to help with the baby, they need to realize that right now that is your job and it's what you want to be spending the little energy you have doing. You might try writing out a list of how you like chores being done before she comes so that she doesn't have an excuse not to do them. Also, try to inform her politely that while you appreciate her wanting to help, you need her to let you take care of your baby. Tell her what things you want help with and what things you want to do yourself. Be firm. Let her know that just because you want to do the baby things doesn't mean that she won't have any time with the baby, just that you want to be the primary caregiver and she needs to respect your wishes. She may be a little upset, but in the end you need to be able to relax and be happy. This is about you and what you want, not what she wants. You might talk to your husband and ask him to talk to her too. It might be taken better from him.

Answer 7

I had the same problem with my mil. She wanted to be there to "help" and all, but I really didn't want her to be. I had to tell my husband to talk to her. Basically he told her we'd love for her to come down to see the baby a little later, but for the first few weeks we wanted to bond with the baby, just the two of us. If your husband doesn't go for this you're just going to have to call her yourself and tell your husband to deal with it because you're having the baby and he's not. Unfortunatly you can only stall for so long. As the grandmother she of course has every right to come visit, but only when you feel a little more comfortable.

Answer 8

Tell her that although you appreciate her offer of help, tell her that you already have someone in place to watch your son, as you don't know what time of the day or night you are going to go into labor.
Tell her you would welcome her as a visitor a week after the baby is born so that you, your husband and your son can welcome the baby into the family alone.
Tell her when she comes she is a visitor, she is not there to "help" she is there to enjoy her vacation and her grandchildren.
Good luck!

Answer 9

Well your husband should call her and tell her that you guys have talked and decided that you want the first few weeks to get used to the new baby before having anyone else come down and visit. He can tell her that he will call her and tell her when it works best for her to come down after the baby is born.

Answer 10

Don't call her when you go into labor. Make Hubby promise to call her after delivery. Tell him that you want this to be just the two of you....he doesn't need to know how you feel about his Mother.