First of all I want to thank all of your for the AWESOME support! I didn't know how to respond on the same page as my original question so here are my thoughts re: what some of you have said... wouldn't you think that someone that comes from an abusive situation as a child/adolescent wouln't want to treat others that way because of how bad it made them feel instead of carrying it on into their adult life and treating others the same way that they have been or seen parents treated? You would think that they would want to do the opposite. Smother their partner with affection and kindness. I just don't get it! To experience this mental/emotional/verbal abuse is just bizarre to me. Believe me, I don't back down ,cry, beg, etc etc. I stand up for myself and fight back. I'm just confused by this behavior...I feel like why can't he see how he is acting and notice that it's not normal? Oh, believe me...he's on his way out. PS...you guys are THE BEST!
2007-07-24 12:52:59 · 9 answers · asked by Mary Posa 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If they grew up in a violent and abusive environment, they wouldn't know how to act otherwise. It's (violence) the only way they know how to vent out their anger and frustrations. That's the only life perspective they knew. They were wired to act that way for a long time and it takes a long time and lots of therapy session to be re-wired and get a different perspective in life. Change doesn't happen overnight ... and sometimes it doesn't happen at all.
2007-07-24 13:09:06 · answer #1 · answered by anaknivictoria 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stacymay, the first thing you need to do is get the person that is abusing you out of your home. If he does it to you, the kids will be next trust me, I know from experience. The second thing you need to do is find a good support group in your town that deals with domestic abuse, usually your local sherriff or health department will know of one. They do not advertise publicly for fear of some women facing the retaliation of ticked off men.
You can not and will never ever get this person to understand they are not normal, they believe in their heads they are just as right as the air in the sky. You say you dont back down, well you might just be fueling the situation. You need to remove yourself totally from it. Dont get mad when I say, some women, maybe not you, but some women do antagonize and push the buttons of their abusers, it is not done maybe on a conscienouos level, but nonetheless it happens. You have a life ahead of you and you need to move on and enjoy it and stop trying to save him....you cant, and also pay better attention to the next relationship you have, it would be good to leave them alone for at least a year and get your head together, and focus on your kids and your job and life. then maybe you will be ready to find another partner. Things I learned to watch for in men are:
1. Are they open about their lives, past, present?
2. Do they have you around their families, and if so how do they all enteract with eachother?
3. What is his relationship with his mother and father.
4. If he has children is he a good dad, or beaches about child support and the old skank mother.
5. How does he treat animals and babies, if he is mean to an animal, he will be mean to humans, it just follows suit too many times. ditch him
6. Does he have a sense of humor? If he can not take a joke and laugh at life, if he gets pitzzed off all the time, ditch him.
Just follow your gut feeling, it will be true to you, and remember you can not fix anyone with "Love", it just wont work....good luck girl!
2007-07-24 20:08:58 · answer #2 · answered by Ozark Woman 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's easy when you are not the abuser to see that what he/she is doing is not normal. I was in a verbally and mentally abusive relationship and when the police asked him why he kept committing acts of Domestic Violence, he said that what he was doing wasn't DV. He said he never blackened my eye or bloodied my face or anything like that so how could it be DV. We have all been raised differently so what I consider DV, he didn't. This man grew up with a mom that threw knives at her kids and locked the kids out for 7-10 hours a day so mom could have "uncles" over. None of that is DV to him. We recognize the screaming as DV but these guys either don't want to admit or won't admit that this is just as abusive as a beating. Don't feel sorry for him but also don't put up with it. I'm in the process of getting out and it is an empowering and enlightenening journey. Remember, you are a DV SURVIVOR not a DV VICTIM !!
2007-07-24 20:16:34 · answer #3 · answered by Rae 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look, any person who is abusive is doing it because deep inside he knows (or feels) his point of view is not strong enough to make other people see it, so they start yelling or throwing things just as toddlers do tantrums. To catch your attention.
Doesn't matter if his mom, dad or sis were nice or bad, what matters is this type of person is used to having bad temper outbursts because he has learned that these outbursts work, they frighten people, and he ends up getting what he wants to.
Problem is, this behaviour is something that is easy for children to duplicate, and they do learn from watching.
The same time, effort and work you've put into finding this "gem" of a man, can be eaily put into finding a man who will treat you with respect and not make you feel like walking on egg shells all the time.
2007-07-24 20:17:38 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Adults usually act the way they learned by actions thus their parents actions. These lessons are imbedded deepin our minds and we carry these lessons into our adult lifes and under the right circumstances these lessons kick in and we react accordingly. What you think should happen is right but to you only and he doesnt act the way he feels. This is why the saying about "actions speak louder than words" comes into play here. By not getting the reaction out of you lets him think its alright to act this way so what he thought was right growing up continues being right as an adult. He may agree with you if you confront him on it but his actions tell a different story
2007-07-24 20:10:33 · answer #5 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We all learn about life and love from our parents. Fortunately some people are strong enough and aware enough to break the cycle, but others don't know any other way to show love. I don't know the details of your relationship, but I think at a minimum you should make him getting counseling a condition of staying together.
2007-07-24 19:59:16 · answer #6 · answered by TG 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Example is a big teacher, and sounds like he had a bad one. Some ppl do go to the opposite end of the spectrum. Good luck to ya.
2007-07-24 19:58:09 · answer #7 · answered by Qyllix 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You'd think that, but abused children often equate abuse with love and the proper way to communicate with people.
FP
2007-07-24 19:57:08 · answer #8 · answered by F. Perdurabo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good
2007-07-24 19:57:33 · answer #9 · answered by Solar Ball 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋