is a short visitation a bad thing ? is it unhealthy for my son?

Question

Me and my ex have a 2 year old baby boy , we have already been through the courts and that nastyness is settled and we enjoy joint custody of our boy. The court order states i should have the boy mon - wed and every other sunday she gets thur to sat and every other sunday . hahaa this is getting complicated - or at least my story telling ability lacks lol so i will cut to the chase.
for the most part we follow the schedual but week by week its always differnet . so here is the question finally , is it hard on our son to go to moms for one or two nights and then dads for one or two nights , or would it be healthier for the boy to be with each parent as long as possible and then with the other parent for as long as possible.

i didnt say what i think as to keep it unbiased

Answer 1

Ok. When my parents got divorced, my little sister and I went back and forth between parents every two days... Except that it went like this:

Monday & Tuesday - Mom
Wednesday & Thursday - Dad
Friday, Saturday & Sunday - Mom
Monday & Tuesday Dad
Wednesday & Thursday - Mom

Notice the trend? One weekend, Mom would have us. The next it would be Dad. My sister still does this and when issues arise [One being out of town, etc], they just work it out to where it evens out in the end.

I'm not going to lie, I didn't like it and it took my sister forever to get used to it but, it works pretty well now. Even though your son is only two, I highly suggest you get him in therapy. My sister was around the same age and the divorce REALLY messed her up. EDIT*** By "really messed her up", I mean, she was having panic attacks, she'd break down and cry for no reason, when she was with Mom, she'd cry and worry about Dad. Then when she was with Dad, she'd cry and worry about Mom. My Dad has Parkinson's Disease so it's kind of different with your case, however, Callie would say, "Why can't you and Daddy just live together again? Why can't you just love Dad again?" This was coming from a TWO or THREE year old. No child that young should be having panic attacks or asking questions like this. Children just don't understand stuff like this.

Therapy will help him cope. It helped my sister tons. The two of you should take him out somewhere together and TOGETHER, buy him a stuffed animal, blanket, anything and have him take it with him back and forth so that there's one thing that still connects the two of you.

Another option is doing it week by week but, honestly, that's way too long to be away from his Mom or Dad - especially since he's so young. Edit*** There's no way my sister could go a week without my Mom or my Dad. She's six now and that's still not something that would work. Doing it every two days will be annoying for you and your ex but, it's honestly what's best for your son.

Maybe when he's a lot older, that'd be better for him but right now, you guys should do what my parents do.

Regardless of anything, divorce is hard on a kid. It'll take him a while to comprehend what's going on but, in time, it'll get better. Also, don't talk badly about each other in front of him and try your best to be friendly. Kids pick up on anger and hatred and it's damaging.

Answer 2

Yes it is very hard on your son. Children like to know what is going to happen in their lives, they like predictability and above all stability. Keep the schedule as much as you possibly can. I am sure there will be times that you just cant get him until Friday because you have a meeting or something (something other than a date or a night out with the guys), but in general, you should keep the schedule to a t.

It will also benefit him GREATLY if you set the same rules and the same consequences, just as you would if you were still together. Having the some rules enforces what both of you are doing and lets him know that some things are just not okay. If he does X then Y happens at Mom's house. If he does X then Y happens at Dad's house. Now you probably cant map out everything he will do so if this happens you can call one another and say "(Kids name) is doing this. Has he done this before with you and if he has what did you do?" This lets him know that even though you aren't together in the same house, you are together when it comes to raising him. This is all assuming you have a decent relationship with your ex, if not this can be very hard.

You could also both get dry erase calenders and map out when he goes where. So you will have Mom, Mom, Mom , Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad(change to mom when its mom's turn). Even though he cant read yet he will VERY quickly recognize the words
Good luck!

Answer 3

At 2 years old, your son is in one of the highest brain growth periods he will ever have. Also, his personality and morals and ethics are forming right now. This day to day trading is definently a confusing thing to him. He needs consistency and stability and he is not getting that. The judge ordered the Parent visitation Order was carefully studied and considered by many professionals so my advice would be to adhere to that Court Order as much as possible. You can amend the Order every 3 years and I would advise that you take advantage of that. Your son will be 5 when you can amend that order and there will be a whole new set of things that a 5 year old requires versus a 2 year old. I know it may seem easier for you and Mom to do the day to day thing but remember...it's not about Parents' desires but Children's needs. Good Luck this sort of thing is NEVER easy, I've been doing it for 7 years.

Answer 4

LOL!! I have the same schedule!! I have Mon-Wed, he has Thur-Fri...AND we alternate weekends!! It's been 6 years now and it started since our son was 1..Kids adapt well!! And you know, as long as you two exs are getting along the child is happier and more secure..I love it that I often see my ex also, becasue thru the years we have really started to get along better and better..Our son sees that and so this type of schedule keeps us connected..Also through the years we have been VERY flexible as time passed and we trusted each other and so we give each other time off say, if I have to go to Vegas for a week, my son will stay there and vice versa..it's really all about give and take...In the long run, it works very well..for us and our son..

We also always make sure that our son has the same things at his dad's and at my place..and when my son leaves a toy a certain way at my house..I leave it UNTOUCHED so that when he returns, it is EXACTLY as he left it..and vice versa.
This respect for him definitely is important.

If you and your ex make the best of the situation your children will adapt well, and you will be the prime example..if you are stressed, they will feel it. But if you make sure and you tell them explicitly that you both love them so much you are always wanting time with them..they will definitely understand this..

Answer 5

when my son was that young the transition from one parent to the other was difficult, so as adults we were able to come to a reasonable visitation schedual. yeah, we did the court thing, but they suck. They don't realize the effects it has on a child. I don't suggest to much transition until he's a little older. maybe you could comprmise, and take him on the weekends instead of during the week. I know that may be difficult, but try and work something out for his well being.

Answer 6

I think it really depends on the home situation with either parent. If both situations are safe, loving, and not neglectful, I think the schedule you have is ok, as long as it stays consistent. Children need to have consistency and know what to expect. If I were you, I would just make sure that he is healthy and happy and able to form lasting bonds later in life.

Answer 7

I think it would drive me nuts as a parent. If I'm going nuts, it will affect the child. I think a bit more stability is called for. How about the first 3 days at one house/ 4 days at another. Take turns on the 4th day.

Answer 8

Although the shorter visits may be harder on you and mom; it gives your son a schedule and stability. Because he is so young, makes the routine seem normal to him. Having long visits with each parent makes it actually more difficult for the parents to experience each milestone in his life. Stick with it dad, it sounds like you're a good one!

Answer 9

I would think that would be very confusing for your son. I would definitely propose a new, simple plan...maybe something like every two weeks? You may want to look into finding a child psychologist who would be better able to make recommendations.

Answer 10

It could be hard if one parent is more permissive then the other. It might be better if one had him Sunday through Tuesday, and the other Thursday through Saturday, with alternating Wednesdays.