Do we restrict ourselves too much in our definition of sexuality?

Question

I define myself as a 'gay' man because I have found fufilment and intimacy in my relationships with men that I haven't with women. However but by defining myself as gay people make assumptions about me. Is that fair? on me? or even those around me?

Answer 1

People will always make assumptions about nearly anything that they can...not just about one's sexuality. People will look at others and make assumptions just by looks. You do it too, I'm sure. "Ach, look at that woman's puffy hair. She must love bad 80's music," or something, for example. Or me even: "Stupid foreigner. What is he doing here? Refugee? Just taking advantage of the good Canadian social programs." It's entirely untrue, but that's how it is because I cannot lose that accent.

I think that everyone is perfectly fine exactly as they are. I know that I probably will judge people even though I don't intend to as long as I am not deaf and blind. It would be boring to be the same as everyone else, and it is something that you just have to try to ignore. If someone doesn't want to accept you, find a better person who will. It's not fair that you should have to do this, but it's not avoidable apparently.

I think that some people are very restrictive in their definitions of many things, but I suppose that's something that others must put up with. Besides, you can easily separate the good people from the others by how they react when you inform them about your sexuality now! See, you've got it easier than many others, but not me included...I've still got the accent...

Answer 2

Fair, my dear, is not a term that applies to life in general.

No it probably isn't 'fair' but it is what human beings do (well the majority of them do anyway). It's how they make sense of their tiny little worlds. People make assumptions based on what they know (or don't know) and it isn't just gay ppl they make those assumptions about.

It happened to me the other day when my car was being towed and the rope snapped. A taxi driver just assumed that I was scared of being towed coz I am a woman when in actual fact it was my husbands fault coz he isn't used to towing cars. The only thing he had to base that assumption on is that I'm a woman, coz he sure as hell didn't know me.

Ppl prejudging you can actually be turned to your advantage if you know how. Especially if they have made an underestimation of your abilities based on the very little they know about you. Under those circumstances they're just asking to be hussled, or shown up ;-)

Personally I just let it slide and don't bother getting upset. Those ppl will never achieve much in life coz they can't think beyond what they know or think they know.

Who's got the more fulfilling life u or them?

Answer 3

People make assumptions no matter what. You could break it down into each and every teensy tiny element of any sexual feeling you've ever had - and I guarantee you - people would still judge based on their own experiences, prejudices & fear.

My closest female friend is a lesbian & the one thing I think has done the most to help me learn that I know nothing is to just ask her questions. She openly answers, knowing I'm not asking for any reason other than lack of knowledge, and then I know something new.

Sounds overly simplistic - but in reality - two people from different backgrounds having an open dialogue is about as complicated as it gets.

Answer 4

Right or fair, it's part of being human to label and pigeonhole people before you get to know them. This is hardly limited to gay men; we (including me) make assumptions about many labeled groups all the time. I don't think being labeled is always a bad thing; a visible group is more likely to attract attention than an individual acting alone.

Answer 5

I agree with you man. We do restrict ourselves unnecessarily in our labels and definitions.

I'm gay too, but I always have to fight stereotypes from other gay people. Just because I'm masculine and a little bit muscular, they feel free to make all kinds of assumptions about me that are not true and are pretty ridiculous.

My gayness is a small part of my whole life. I won't be forced into defining all of myself with one small part of myself. I see gay people who do that and it's sad.

It's not fair, but it seems to be how people roll. If they think they can label you and peg you one way or another, I guess it makes you more familiar to them, even if it's not true.

Answer 6

Great point! As for me, I'm a man who just happens to be straight. I have friends who just happen to be straight or gay. All of us are a total of so many parts though. Our sexuality is just one of those parts. However, that one part of us has become such an important part of how we are perceived. You are labled as a gay person. For me it's usually that liberal guy. The truth is, none of these labels tell very much about who an what we really are.

Answer 7

It's never fair to be judged without being known. However, unfortunately, you kind of have to "classify" yourself sometimes, or people won't even know what you are.

I'm transsexual, I don't really like classifying myself as such.. But I almost *have* to, so people will understand my situation. I know a lot of people judge me (unfairly) because of it, but if I didn't say it, then people would get misconceptions.. And I'd probably end up having more trouble than if I just came out and said it.

Answer 8

I get irritated with the inflexibility of the labels that are provided to me and all the stupid and inaccurate connections people will make to them if I use them.

But sometimes, you just have to make due with what you've got.

Paragraphs to explain ones intricacies just aren't practical on a day to day basis.

so, alas... I must use a few.

It sucks, but language is symbolic representations of reality, not reality itself. You just must remember this. Nothing will ever fit perfectly into the boxes we create in language.

Answer 9

I hate labels, too. I think of sexuality as a spectrum with feelings towards men only on one side and feelings towards woman only on the other. Everyone falls somewhere in-between (whether they like it or admit it), and it is not fair to anyone that we strictly label ourselves as G, L, B, T, etc. It is too narrow.

Answer 10

Yes, it makes the "Bi" crowd the only ones with leeway to make any move on the sex board they want! If I had to have a tag other than straight, this is where I would land. It would eliminate inquiries, and stoke the average persons imagination-----This is why this group is left alone--there is autonomy for thoses who limit their private info.mation. Sex, toileting, diseases, bo,private entertainment, what we read and view, how much money one has or doesn't have, our rap sheet all this stuff is not for our public persona or resume, or tmz.com, utube, perez hilton.