Will I ever be able to trust him?

Question

Ok--here is my story, any advice is greatly needed and appreciated. I met my husband when we were both 25, independant college grads and professionals (he a mil. officer, me a teacher). We dated for over 2 yrs before we got married and everything was close to perfect. Yes, we had our normal spats but he always acted so in love with me and all of my friends were so jealous....Well, after being married for only a month I got on the laptop and noticed he had left his email up, out of pure curiousity, I clicked on his messages (never in a million years intended on finding anything), well it showed he had been emailing a woman for almost nude pics of herself. He replied a few times saying, "thanks that made my day" and how "beautiful" she was. Well this was such blow because not to brag, I am a very attractive person. We have a great sex life and we love experimenting and we are both very sexual. The woman he emailed was a woman from a football message bd he visited and she would never email him directly, it was just a mass email of the men that asked her to (after she offered). Well, I confronted him and he was VERY remorsefull and apologized and said it was stupid and he would NEVER do it again.
I figured out his password to his email and checked it frequently. Well, I eventually forgave and he was called to go back to Iraq for a 15 month deployment. Let me back up for a moment the first time he was in Iraq (before we dated)he told me he had a brief sexual relationship with another soldier over there, but I never cared since he was single and it was before me. Well, he wasnt over there a month before I found out he was emailing her asking her for a nude pic of herself, they flirted back and forth and of course I confronted him AGAIN. And AGAIN he was extremely remorseful and begged for forgiveness and even cried to me, saying he couldnt live without me, etc......Well, I forgave AGAIN. After a few months I started to heal and get over it, well I checked his email out of the blue a few days ago and I found another email from her that said, "I am sorry for slapping you". Of course this was such a blow and KILLED me and once I again I confronted him......He admitted they had been emailing on his military acct and he even forwarded some of them to me. He said she slapped him when they walked by each other and he swore on my life he has never cheated, I have begged him to tell me if he cheated and he is adament that he never did. The emails were flirting talking about sending nude pics and even maybe meeting.....
I am crushed...He has promised to get counseling when he gets back and is extremely remorseful. I guess I need advice. Will he EVER change? Could counseling indeed help? He won't be home for another 11 months and I have to worry about what he is doing. I am distraught and disgusted. The way I see it, it would be a lot easier to get out now then later, but is this grounds for divorce? Should I forgive him? What do I do???

Answer 1

*Once a Cheater Always a Cheater*

Even though he says he's Sorry...he may still Wonder whats out there.
I'm not saying to Forgive and Forget. But to make an Attempt to save your Marriage.

You dont want to make an Decisions without giving your marriage a chance. So just go to Counseling and try to work it out!

If it still doesn't work out then Talk to your Husband about a seperation. If you do get a Divorce...it's for the Best!

Answer 2

If you can't trust him, the relationship will never work. He has proven to you that he is not willing to change, and why should you live with the agony of always wondering what he is doing? That is not fair to you, and the relationship will have constant tension. Honestly, if he loves you the way that he says, then why does he continue to hurt you? I am not an advocate for divorce, but cheating is for sure grounds for divorce. There is someone else out there that wants to be with you, and only you. Don't sit around waiting for him to change when you can move past the pain. He obviously does not respect you, or he would never lie to you and cheat on you. You deserve better.

Answer 3

Trust is very hard to build after it has been shattered. I think that counseling is worth a try but with the constant deployments it will make it hard to continue with a scheduled marriage counseling over the long term. Some of it is just standard military stress. I know when I would go on TDY or deployment it would always take time to readjust for both me and my wife. I wish you the best of luck and hope all works out with you and your husband.

Answer 4

I was in a marriage where I KNEW he would never cheat. He hung the moon and stars as far as I was concerned. Then I just had a gut feeling something wasn't right. Sure enough he was cheating. He cried and apologized. He never meant to hurt me. He'd go to counseling. He broke it off, ect. Guess what? He never broke it off and never went to counseling. Actions speak louder than words!!! You know deep down in your gut if you'll ever be able to try and trust him. Listen to your gut! Mine has always been right on. I haven't always listened to it, but in the end I wished I had. Honestly, he doesn't seem sorry. Why put yourself through the torture of 11 months not knowing? Go on with your life. If he is sorry and he does love you, he will do the counseling first thing when he gets home. He will do anything to prove himself to you if he really wants you. You did nothing wrong!! It's all up to him to fix this. Just move on. You'll see what happens. Good Luck!!

Answer 5

Sounds like he hasn't learned his lesson. you know if you had proof that he cheated he can go to prison. It is illegal for married people to have an affair while serving.

It's obvious that you don't trust him and he is obviously pretty dumb because after the first time he should of changed his password. All i can say is that you need to go with your gut. Try the counseling but will need to make a decision to see if you really want to go through this cause the way this war is going he will be away for long periods of time. You will always be wondering what he's doing because you don't trust him. Why put yourself through that agony. Hope you resolve this issue

Answer 6

Well I would be upfront and tell him that you want a separation until he comes home. That gives you time to just think about yourself for now and do whats right for you. He will be over there and be dearly missing you. I would however occasionally send him care packages to make sure he has what he needs but he will also see how much he misses you. I am in a military relationship and this is how I would handle it if I were you. Email me if you need to. Good luck...

Answer 7

According to my ex (a serial flirt and a srgt in the Army) He might just be sorry, because not only can he get divorced from you, he can be court marshalled as well...(Definetly Conduct Unbecoming) He's not going to admit cheating at all -- If you are getting this hurt, sometimes it hurts less to be alone....Maybe try seperating for a while, rebuild yourself...like you for yourself again (I've been there and I know how painful it can be!) And then see if you are even willing to go back to him...... And let me know how you are doing....I've been in your shoes, the internet betrayal...Also, talk to your tech at your school about a "Key Logger" and having one put on your computer at home...it records every key strike that's made on the computer, so if he's using yahoo messager, ect...you'll know what exactly was typed...good luck honey....

Answer 8

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!YES! YES HE WILL CHANGE!!!!!!!!
NOT REALLY..... actually I don't know.
Many if not all cases we, men, never change.
But your'e hearing from a man that once cheated and hasn't done so and hopefully never will.
Before getting married, I cheated on my wife to be. It wasn't a total romance,just a one night stand. By that time i was confused, i didnt know if i loved her or not. and eventhough it was just a one night stand, i kept avoiding my girlfriend and spent more time with my friends. my only priority was party, drugs, friends, girls. but when i actually went ahead and had sex with another woman i realized the pain i was causing and i realized that i couldn't live without her. so i went ahead and confessed to my wife to be. it took her a bit more than a year for her to really heal up. and today we are happily married with a baby set to be born on january next year.
So I don't know if he will change or won't. i guess it's up the him to change but how do you know?
But if he's been like that for how long? ever since you married him? chances are he won't change. you should go counseling and see if he changes

Answer 9

I feel for you doll - you should not have to live life always worried if your husband is sneaking around on you. I don't believe in divorce, but cheating is so disgusting to me that I hardly know what to say.

You do realize how likely it is that he has either already been unfaithful or will be, right?

All I would say is that, aside from sex, do y'all meet each other's emotional needs well or do you feel like he is searching for another REAL person?

Good luck!

Answer 10

Sweetie, he LIED TO YOU. Several times in fact, over and over. Now Im not saying that this wont change, bu tin the back of your mind youknow he is guilty and youknow that you do not deserve this treatment. If he has done this repeatedly and with the same woman it is not going to change. EVER. He will continue to do it because he knows every time he can get away with it with you. I suggest you leave him and only if he goes thru marriage counciling and proves that he is faithful do u stay, but personally from experience, he is going to cheat or lie again.