Need suggestion on WHAT TO SAY TO THE KIDS. Any ideas?

Question

Husband left us for another woman. He eventually decided to see them and now has them half the time.

My 4 year old and 6 year old keep asking me, in this order?

Do you love Daddy?

Do you like Daddy?

Is Daddy your friend?

The true answer to all is no.


What would you say?

Thanks.

Interesting that men are saying tell the truth and woman are saying lie to help the kids.

If I lie, won't I raise people divorced from reality?

Answer 1

Depends on their ages. If they are really little, then yes to all three and leave it alone.

If they are at an age that a yes answer is just going to bring more questions, then explain that while you did love daddy, you two had problems being together, and now it is best to be apart. Try to explain that right now you don't really like daddy, but hopefully you will be friends again, someday. Let them know that they can still love and care for daddy, and that is why they still go for visits. Try not to get too personal, and try to keep it neutral. Also try to keep in mind that even the nastiest divorces heal over time, and you may really end up being friends in the end.

BTW, I don't condone lying in most cases, but in these cases the truth lies somewhere in the middle. You are hurting because you DO care. When it stops hurting, and you stop being angry, that is when you stopped caring.

Answer 2

I would say mommy doesnt love daddy the way she used too, and that you are hurt at daddy, and that daddy is no longer your friend because you to chose not to be. I would also tell them that daddy and mommy both love them very much and that daddy just didnt want to be married to mommy any more. Id also explain that divorce happens sometimes, and that they are loved more than ever.
Whatever you do dont make daddy into a bad guy, and dont talk bad about his new woman who may be a stepmother to your children, some will disagree but whatever Im divorced my son asks those questions too. And I tell him what I said you should tell yours. I also wouldnt want my kids being mean to there step parent out of respect, and if they hear bad things bout daddy or his new g/f or wife it may back fire and come back to haunt you (they may resent you) Good luck!

Answer 3

I would tell them that you may not love Daddy - that sometimes husbands and wives fall out of love BUT it doesn't mean that you and Daddy stopped loving them.
I would tell them that maybe in time you might like and be friends with him but now you are feeling a little angry but it does not affect or have anything to do with them. You have to be honest but obviously you can't turn your hurt and rage on them. Please don't talk bad about your ex - it really only hurts the kids. My ex left me with a 3 & 4 year old for another woman. I was so hurt and outraged but for years I bit my tongue. He was not a good father and really ignored them for a long time. The kids will learn of what he did to you and see what he is by themselves. They don't need to hear it from you. My son blamed me for many years for the divorce - that really hurt. Now he sees exactly who was at fault and can't do enough to make it up to me. My daughter sensed along time ago what her father was and really just stayed away. It is sad for the kids because neither one of them wants him around now. Just be patient and do the right thing and everything will fall into place and your children will grow up a lot happier. Good luck.

Answer 4

The children are the result of the marriage, but they are not involved in the marriage. What happened between the two of you has nothing at all to do with them. You just answer as honestly as you can, with diplomacy and understanding that, although he hurt you, he is still their father. Do you love (like) Daddy? the answer is "Yes, I did love (like) your daddy. (Notice the past tense, it's not lying). Daddy and I were once friends and may be friends again some day. Right now, mommy's feeling hurt but it doesn't have anything to do with you two, we both love you very much." It never does the children any good emotionally to be torn between the two parents, you need to establish ground rules with your ex that you will never "bad-mouth" each other within ear shot of your children. That is what your friends are for.

Answer 5

I went through the same thing with my daughter.

You should answer yes to all the questions especially "Do you love Daddy?". It may leave a bitter taste in your mouth but it's what your children want to hear. Besides, you love your children and he is and will always be a part of them so, "of course I love Daddy, he's part of you" should be your response.

They'll figure it out when they get older anyway and then you'll have your revenge!!

Your children are 4 and 6 right...they don't know what reality is. They still believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy. Trust me. They just want reassurance. They're family has been destroyed. I know you want to tell them that Daddy is a no good SOB but you'll only be hurting your kids. It's about the kids.

Answer 6

You should never lie. You should however be sensitive to your children and keep things age appropriate. You want kids to know that you having feelings and that you may not agree with dad but that you still respect him as their daddy. A tough situation but one that happens too often!

~I think it is ok to tell them that dad hurt your you and that you are not happy with what happened
~Instead of saying I don't like daddy say I don't like what happened with daddy
~Is daddy your friend "No not really but that is because daddy and I have different lives now and we don't have a lot in common.
~Do you love daddy "I love that daddy gave me two beautiful children and for that he will always be someone I cared about"

Answer 7

At this age - it is so very hard to answer. However you can answer the questions with questions that get them focused on their feelings towards their Dad. WHen asked do you love Dady? - respond with "Do You love Daddy?" Same for like.

As for friend - you can ask them what they think friendship is and divert their focus.

THeir are other ways too - you can answer yes to all the questions and divert the anger towards the action - such as I do but not what he did or I'd like to be his friend because friends are nice things to have.

If there's a way to work with your X towards the benefit of the children, that is of course the best way. THat not always being able to be the case, think about your answers before you speak & say only the truth without being mean - but never be dishonest and say yes because you think it will be positive for the kids.

Once they are older, they will be able to judge for themselves.

Answer 8

They are little. Tell them as much as they can understand.

Daddy and I will both always love you. We both want what is best for you.

Daddy and I can't live together anymore, but that is okay, because it is better for both of us. Even though we don't live together, we are still your family, still your mom and dad. We will always be your mom and dad, that won't change.

As they get older you can tell them more, or they will figure it out on their own. I would also try to answer questions they might have about it as directly as you can.

I wouldn't lie. It won't make sense to tell them you still love him if they pick up on tension when you two interact. Try not to fight in person or on the phone around the kids -- email is a great way to communicate with exes!

Answer 9

Tell them the truth, then explain that this was wrong and that it is NOT their fault in any way, and daddy still loves them very much. No sense lying to them. They will find out eventually, but before then they will look at you as the bad guy. I KNOW from experience.

Answer 10

Tell them the truth. Tell them you love him but you can't live with him right now. Sometimes adults have a hard time living together and need some time apart. Stress to them that daddy living somewhere else is not their fault and that both mommy and daddy love them both very much.