How do you confront a friend who is trying to be manipulative?!?

Question

I have a friend who tends to be rather needy. It got to the point where he was having a 'life crisis' every other day and it was really wearing on me. So I told him that I needed my space.

He acted like he acknowledged my request but his barrage of drama filled crises continued. So I decided that I needed a break and stopped responding. Well now he sends me messages and is either like "I was trying to contact you earlier, but I guess you're busy. I just was going to thank you for being a good friend" or "I'm sorry that my best friend doesn't care for me" or he reminds me that his dad is ill or that he suffers from schizophrenia.

Now he told me that if I don't respond, it's going to be detrimental to his health. It's just wearing on me so bad. I don't like being manipulated. I just feel like he just "calls wolf" all the time to get my attention and he never seems to be satisfied with my attention. How do I confront him about his manipulation? Or what should I do? Thank you!!

Answer 1

Often, you have to slam the door in the face of a friend like this. You aren't to that point yet--but keep that in the back of your mind--the day may come where you aren't helping your friend anymore, and are only helping your friend to wallow in problems rather than getting past them, you just may have to quit talking to him all together.

I recently had to start calling a good friend out for whining all the time. This was tricky, but it actually has a chance to work. Let him know that sometimes it helps to tell a friend about your problems, but when all you do with your friends is discuss your problems, you become a lousy friend.

What he needs is a time limit! You think I'm joking--but if you put it to him right, he'll go for it and even be happier than if you were being your usual 'supportive' self. Basically--he can give you a news update and talk about what's bugging him, but only for fifteen minutes. If it goes longer than that, he probably isn't saying anything new--he's just telling you over and over so he can add a detail, tell you how he feels, and repeat himself. So unless YOU think the two of you should talk longer about a problem, change the subject, and if he doesn't get the hint, just tell him that it's time to talk about something else. Basically, you have to demand that he be a good friend to you, and no amount of guilt trips about any bad-friend actions you take (like not returning whiny messages) get him off the hook for that responsibility.

Not only will the whining limit give you a chance at smiling when he calls (rather than going, oh, crap, it's him again), but it may actually help him out with his problems. It helps to talk about things, but guys like that are only going to keep stewing in and deepening their problems by dwelling on them. He needs to get it off his chest, and move on. You let him get it out, but he never moves on.

You are right that it is an attention thing--show him that you'll give him the attention a good friend deserves, if he wants to be a good friend. And show him that you'll turn your back on him and quit talking to him if he can't be a better friend. There is a good chance this will turn into an argument--just get everything said, and maybe when he thinks about it he'll work on himself and be better to you.

Answer 2

Wow, ok, I went through a VERY similar situation. I was friends with a girl who was an attention hog, she would do anything to have eyes on her. She took advantage of my kindness and willingness to help by just showing up at my house even in the wee hours of the morning making up stories and crying. She soon tried again to "commit suicide" (she didnt really) and like the idiot I was, I tried to be there for her. But long story short, I just cut off all communication from her. She was acting like a leech, and I was always drained anytime I finished being around her. However, the way I handled it wasnt very good. She ended up hating me and saying all kinds of terrible things about me. All I can say is, try and explain to him that it will make him a stronger person if he learns to sort things on his own and doesnt make you his crutch. That you'll be his friend but thats all you can be, you cant hold him up. Just tell him everything you said, just find a way to put it in a softer manner, a way that lifts him up and gives him hope rather than making him feel like his character is being attacked. You can still tell him the truth without being brutal, as some people dont respond well to blunt honesty.

I really hope this helped, and good luck!!

Answer 3

Tell him that you feel like he is not doing as a friend should do. Tell him that with him saying things just as a ploy to get you to talk with him is not right and it makes you not want to talk to him and all and if it continues you will not talk to him. He is trying to make you feel bad in order to get what he wants. Tell him that you do not work that way. You believe friends should be there for each other, but it has been a one way street lately and that isnt respectful of your friendship. Tell him that you like being around him when there isnt a lot of drama going on and you are just emotionaly drained of the drama. You will have to flat out tell this person, do not worry about hurting his feelings....he didnt mind hurting yours. He will likely try to put it back on you, and when he does, point it out to him that that is exactly what the problem is. Be straight forward with him and honest....do not sugar coat it for him.

Answer 4

It sounds like you have him pretty much figured out, ( no sarcasm intended) so don't let yourself fall victim to his manipulation.

You said you wanted space, & he responded with a new barrage of attempts at guilting you into giving in to him.
At this point ANY response from you will satisfy his need for your attention, so I don't recommend that you confront him with anything more than your clear & resolved SILENCE. :-)

Answer 5

Tell him that you will pray for him and that he should take his problems to someone who can really help him. Tell him that everyone has some kind of problem and their's always seems more important than anyone elses.

One of the best ways to forget your troubles is to help others with troubles. Get him to help others and he will forget all about his.

Good Luck

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Answer 6

People who can't take "no" for an answer are dangerous. Break all contact w/him immediately. If he should threaten you in any way, report him to the police. Also, if you're a minor, tell your parents what is going on.

Answer 7

tell him that you need time to re-evaluate your relationship with him because although you are a good friend to him, he is not being a good friend to you. tell him that relationships are based on giving and receiving, and you have given all that you had. because you haven't been receiving anything, you can't give anymore. kind of like a bank account, you are the bank and he continues to make withdraws without making deposits, now his account is over drawn. unless he changes his ways, your relationship with him will continue to suffer, but you are not willing to suffer along with it.

Answer 8

Tell him exactly what you just posted - the crying wolf thing. If he is a friend, he will listen to what you have to say, and respect you. Be honest, but gentle.

Answer 9

confront him about being a manipulator. Tell him your not God and you can't change the world for him and your nerves are fried from his DRAMA

Answer 10

Just find a new friend and then explain to him that you cannot solve all his problems and that he needs therapy. If he starts talking about hurting himself, so be it. It's his decision to be stupid, not your problem.