Marriage Question. How do you communicate with short tempered, and self centered spouse?

Question

I am really laid back,and have few issues with my wife, but when I try to talk to her about things her temper gets in the way and she refuses to talk about the issues because she gets frustrated easily. She does not want to talk, and she later forgets about my concerns. She has developed this over the last 2 years.

Contrasting, her issues are bumped to the front and we must address them immediately. Many of her problems stem from her family. They do not fix the issues, but they let them hang around to cause more problems and tension. I give much attention to her issues, but whenever I have something it usually ends with a verbal fight.

In my opinion, our marriage is rocky and needs much work, and I would like to address this before it gets more out of hand.

How do I handle this?

Answer 1

Honestly, I wonder if you're talking about me, haha.

I have had similar problems with my fiance, because I do have a lot of family problems, a short temper, and am constantly talking.

This came up one night during a particularly brutal fight and he told me exactly what he thought of me. It was hard to hear that I wasn't paying attention to him and that he was afraid to tell me anything that was wrong with our relationship.

I didn't talk to him for a few days honestly, but when I actually started to look around at our usual conversations, I knew he was right. I came around and now I make a much bigger effort to control my temper and ask more questions about how he's doing. And I try to control my family matters the best I can. He still hears about it, and I'm not perfect by any means, but at least he can tell me when he's bothered by something I am doing.

I tell you this story because you really do have two options to make this work. #1 is doing what my fiance did. I don't know how that'll work for ya, it could come out wrong and make problems worse. Or it could really fix it.

#2. Marital counseling. This is where you can SAFELY come out and express how you are feeling, without a huge fight to a non-judgemental 3rd party.

I really do wish you the best. I honestly think this can be fixed, if you approach it correctly. Who knows? The conversation about marital counseling might actually bring to light some issues.

Answer 2

Sorry this is so lengthy but here's my 2 cents and some change: It may be just that she gets overwhelmed, maybe short talks would be of help. You both sit down to have a talk; set some ground rules that each agree to (no interrupting, no raising voice or yelling, no cursing, no disrespectful body language like rolling eyes, sighing, etc). If the phone or doorbell rings let it ring- you two are the most important thing for that time. Then you get 2-3 minutes to discuss whatever you want. Set a timer if you have to, but while you're talking she has to truly listen to all you say without formulating any of her responses yet. Then she gets the same amount of time to respond (with you sticking to the same ground rules above) where she first acknowleges your feelings about what you said, then she either suggests a compromise or engages in further discussion about what you had to say.
Once each have spoken then you each decide if both feel like doing the discussion session once more or if a break is needed. If there's not resolution, take a break from it, with the promise to discuss it again at a specific time later on or the next day. At the end of each discussion, you have to each give a hug to each other. Then you each go on about your day as usual.
Some people either from family habits of avoidance of tackling problems or poor communication skills get too passionate or overwhelmed when discussing things and need to take problem solving in small steps at first so this is a great practice for both partners. Even though you're laid back, you're wants and needs are important too. If it goes well, you can begin to increase the time. If there's a relapse, decrease the time temporarily. Remember to do this same communication exercise for things that are important to her too.
For the guys: don't freak out or shut down if a woman has some tears or some crying during a short discussion. Women can just naturally be more emotional creatures and although it may be uncomfortable for you to see this kind of emotion, just offer her a tissue but you should continue the discussion because crying is sometimes just a release of pent up emotions and is not anything to get all freaked out about or shut down a short respectful discussion if she sheds a few tears.
Lastly, if she is truly self-centered and unwilling to make changes, you will know by her unwillingness to even engage in this small effort of communication.

Answer 3

Coming from your wife's perspective, I would want you to try and talk to her on HER level. Tell her point blank: "Look, I really need you to listen. If you don't care, then tell me you don't care". Also let her know that you want to resolve (whatever the issue is) now, not later. If she refuses to listen or resolve it, walk away. Go stay with a friend, etc. Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Let her know that she is lucky to have a man that WANTS to communicate and resolve issues. You are giving your all and she should give it her all as well. It sounds like she has her guard up (probably resulting from her upbringing), but she is a grown married woman. It's time to start acting like an adult. Good luck!

Answer 4

As i am also laid back, this issue hits home with me.

The key point here is communication. You MUST keep the communication lines open and smooth. Even if you must
"give up" some freedoms, communication is worth it. Find out what she wants, and get it to her. Let her be the Alpha Male for a while. It may help.

Answer 5

It sounds as though you need to seek out some marriage counseling. I think it would be ideal for the both of you. It will help you both learn how to communicate in a more productive manner with each other and possibly strengthen your bond. Ask her to go to counseling with you. If she declines your offer, tell her that she needs to work on her attitude toward you. Either way, stand your ground. Your concerns are every bit as valid as hers and her temper tantrums should not keep you from voicing them.

Answer 6

Hi..
She probably doesn't want to hear what you have to say, that's why she flares up so! To keep you quiet!Taking advantage of the fact that you are laid back, and do not like confrontation! She knows what she's doing!
Right now it's important for both of you to see a marriage counselor..If she doesn't go..Go yourself, speak to a professional.. and get some help and advice..
Eventually give her an ultimatum..that if she doesn't go for help the marriage is in serious trouble..Tell her you refuse to live like this anymore..
Then do what you have to do!
I hope she goes for help!
Good Luck to both of you!

Answer 7

Go to counseling. This is not some 2 year new development, as you put it, she learned it from her family when she was young.

My question for you is, if you don't like that behavior, why did you marry into it?

Answer 8

I'm only gonna comment on part of it. and thats with me when I get like that when my husband brings certain things up its because we've went over it and over it again, and my posistion is still the same as it always was and he's still trying to say its something else. And i'm tired of hearing it. just an example to consider, goodluck Kim

Answer 9

well you need to explain that you would like to get marriage counseling for the two of you and that you need her to go as well or you feel like you cannot stay in the marriage . then maybe she will see the light if not then maybe you two would be better off divorced . good luck .