Well, I'm a bit late on Cinnamon's challenge from yesterday (stupid work lol). I attempted a Ruba'i. This is my first and after reading some of Fr Al's work and thinking about an 8th Century Hymn I remember "Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silent" I wrote this. I was guessing my way through this form and would appreciate any feedback (if religious themes bother you stop here, it is not my desire to upset anyone).
On That Day
I know for certain I will die
To slide, to slip into the sky.
The clay around me starts to wear,
So little time to say goodbye.
To leave behind this mortal care,
Caught up to meet You in the air,
Changed in seconds without delay,
No longer shielded from Your stare.
All will be silent on that day,
As every tear You wipe away.
The pressures of this life will cease,
Darkness no longer on display.
I will not pray for this release;
Life’s joys though fleeting do increase.
Choosing to live within Your plan,
Knowing one day there will be peace.
2007-07-24 04:12:48 · 12 answers · asked by Todd 7 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Very well done, Todd. The challenge for me in writing anything that rhymes is that it tends to feel forced; rhyming three out of every four lines, with the other line carrying to the next stanza, only further complicates it. You pulled it off quite well.
I particularly found the last stanza poignant, as it succinctly embraces both a sense of joie de vivre and the notion of a reward to come. Too often the two are presumed to conflict, but you've managed to refute that without over-embellishing, and just letting the words do their job. Good work!
2007-07-24 04:59:27 · answer #1 · answered by Jeff R 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Todd, your Ruba'i was wonderful. Your use of the aaba pattern was right on target and your lines read quite naturally. Fitzgerald used this in his Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam and you certainly held your own with this particular style. Bravo!
Here is a small part of my "Rubaiyat Revisited"; it too keeps the "tradition" going..I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed yours (the entire piece is 65 verses, so if it seems like it's incomplete...it is :)
...And wine once spilled forever drains away
To mix with bits of earth like rusty clay
That bleed the fortunes of the rich and poor
To common flesh that in the end must pay
But happiness comes without a price
To both the saint and man of vice
And only fools would try to buy it whole
Or weigh the cost of paradise
So come with me and stay awhile
And with an empty cup of guile
Pass on the many stories yet to tell
And see if yet we still can smile
For age and time may take away
The colors bright as seen by day
But never will it hurt to try
To speak until we’ve had our say
And how can any measure time
By length of verse or metered rhyme
When worlds of prose await the pen
To write the truth about their crime
Hope you enjoyed these few lines. Email me if you'd like to see the rest. Meanwhile...Keep writing!
2007-07-30 02:09:56 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good Poem.
In That Day.
The way for all
yeah...born it was
Ugh...life now
Ohhhh....dead will come true
That day you talk
Never replay
just go and gone
but in that day i meant
Cry and tears it mean lovely
love and hate it is rest in peace.
on that day and in that day
our finished.
other`s starred
some day that way
it the day....
I make this poem for you!
Have a nice day....
2007-07-30 12:19:38 · answer #3 · answered by roberth m 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This shows incredible GOd given talent and it shows you love God very much and you know that HE loves you. This shows the peace and joy you know are coming when the Lord returns again. I encourage you to continue to write about the Lord. YOu touch our hearts YUMMMMM>
2007-07-26 17:13:44 · answer #4 · answered by full gospel shirley 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Beautiful. Simply breathtaking. Thank-you.
2007-07-24 13:14:27 · answer #5 · answered by Cinnibuns 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Todd this is a really great poem,What ever the challenge was i believe you have won...nice work always,,,,,Shelly
2007-07-24 13:47:40 · answer #6 · answered by Cami lives 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Though never one of my favorite schemes, your writing exceeds the structure. Wrought with obvious care.
Thank you!
2007-07-24 20:22:37 · answer #7 · answered by ObscureB 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
oh!Todd ,u write so well.I've liked all ur poems u have written so far.......ALL OF THEM! But this one's is the best.
So,here's a star for you!
2007-07-24 11:22:56 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Very nice Todd. You indeed have talent.
P.S.> Cinnamon is a guy. LOL Deny it all you want
2007-07-24 11:56:47 · answer #9 · answered by Black Knight Sux 1 · 3⤊ 2⤋
This is a gem. Precious!
2007-07-24 11:25:11 · answer #10 · answered by TD Euwaite? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋