Amateur poem- comment?

Question

Hiya. I wanted to write a poem, upon seeing so many others posting theirs. So I just turned this one out a couple seconds ago... tell me what you think. If you're familiar with the story of Clarissa Harlowe, than you might make some connection with it to this poem.

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Somehow I found
I needed a sign.
What was to be mine-
would've had me bound.

"Should I do this?
-winning dad's approval,
may cause the removal
of that youthful bliss."

The estates slept ahead
unaware of its weight
in my decision of fate
or the battles of mind I led.

"Should I commit?
-oh, how perverse!
Didn't I learn just the reverse?
Land over love! How can I think 't?

Yet, it was pushed into my face.
"Child!," was the scold.
"Wisdom doulbes when you're this old.'
I longed for an agreeing embrace.

"Should I run away?
This mind can't rule--
It can't conquer, nor fool,
mine heart that swelled this day."

That was the oath I put forth,
to shield further damage--
but that Lovelace savage
would give much to remorse.

Answer 1

Well, by the "Lovelace" reference at the end you must be referring to the Clarissa in "Clarissa: Or the History of a Young Lady by Richardson...correct?

This being the case, the choice of an arched rhyme is correct in regard to the "period" of the story as well as the "style" of the period...and the fact that one might say Lovelace was an "arch" villain.

However, your meter is inconsistant. It would be alright to hear four beats at the beginning of each stanza (somehow I found, should I do this, should I commit), but you do so only in the first, second and fourth stanzas. It is difficult to keep the rhyme from sounding "too rhymy" if the lines have too few beats, especially in the center two lines of the stanza, but you didn't do too bad a job at it. Still, the poem would read much better if you'd add beats to each line and fill them in a bit. They don't need to be pentameters, but a little longer would make it sound more thoughtful.

That being said, you have a few minor errors to fix, as in "estates" and "its"...they have to agree...it must be "estate" and "its", or "estates" and "their" (plural or singular, pick one).

Also, "commit" and "think 't" doesn't work...nice try, but try again...you can do better.

I know you wanted "mine heart" to sound in theme with the poem, but it isn't natural nor does it match the venacular of the time in the context used...just say "my" and "that's" or "this" and "that" and it will be fine.

finally, "would give much to remorse"...nope, try again. "Much to remorse"? doesn't work, and "remorse" is too far from "forth". However, you might try this for the first line of that stanza:

"That was my oath, of course"

and continue on, perhaps with...

"to shield further damage--
but that Lovelace savage
seems immune to remorse."

Anyway, I think you probably already have some ideas on how to edit this section, so go for it.

Very good first draft, good poem in the making.

Keep writing, you have the right stuff!

Answer 2

on each and every occasion somebody imitates being an expert on a definite project ,they ought to declare that every person else is a few how at fault and doing it incorrect .in the event that they instructed every person they did a great activity then every person could seem to be their equivalent and that they gained't enable that because of fact they desire to be the almighty suitable guy.every person else ought to stay stupid or have self belief they are stupid or a minimum of look stupid to the others. the easy thank you to proceed to exist good is to place every person else down This comes clearly to egocentric people and that's performed without attempt or thought it is component of their warped character..it is real some can not write, yet while all they are in touch approximately is mimicking the varieties of lifeless poets then according to probability they could't write the two . New varieties and techniques are a factor of each and every thing under the sunlight that evolves like vogue, comedy and music why ought to poetry stay in the midsection an prolonged time?

Answer 3

That sound the battles of fate!
Woooahhhh!

Answer 4

i loved it i love writing poetry myself

Answer 5

please talk to a teacher for advise
and ask for an address to a publisher to help you out.

Answer 6

Oh, thought it said amateur porn.

Answer 7

tht was great i wish i could write tht good i loved it!!!!

Answer 8

Really Good! Liked it! Thanks for letting us see it! =)

Answer 9

thanks for that it was good

Answer 10

Nice thanks