I am still angry that my ex-husband didnt attend our daughters funeral..???

Question

Eight years ago I gave birth to fraternal twins, My daughter was a stillbirth (still havent gotten over that). My ex-husband and I are divorced in part because I would not have an abortion, and he was abusive.... I went through the pregnancy by myself and I buried my daughter by myself since I was out in corpus christi Tx. with no family and friends... I'm angry with him because he didnt attend her funeral and when he found out she had passed away he said "I'm glad she died" and hung up the phone. Its been eight years since I buried her and he has never once paid his respects even though he's gone back to Texas several times. I dont want to be angry with him anymore I dont want to hate him anymore but its very difficult when I see him neglecting our children, yet he is father of the year to his wifes daughter when he didnt even want his OWN daughter. I dont want to be angry anymore because I've realized that negative energy is just poison, how do I stop disliking this man?

I guess all this anger resurfaced for this man because after two years of NOT contacting our children he wrote them a letter of apology which really upset me... and it just brought back the hatered I use to feel for this man. I had moved on and forgiven him and I was doing great, leaving everything in Gods hands... (I'm not religious but I do have faith) but since that letter arrived It reminded me how much I dislike that man

Answer 1

I'm sorry that you have had such a bad time. That must have been awful. But you are right that hatred is poison and it only poisons you. It doesn't hurt the person who you hate at all. If anything, it helps him "get back at you" because you're ruining your own life with the hate. Maybe that thought might help. If you want to "weaken his power on you" give up the hate.

If you are a Christian, pray to God that he would deliver you from hate. Give the hate to God to deal with. Forgive your husband, even though he does not deserve it and even though he has not asked for forgiveness. Your husband has problems, that's why he abused you and why he was so mean. He probably is a miserable person inside, and that misery is his problem to deal with. Give the hatred to God and let God deal with your husband.

If you are not Christian, then remember that your husband had problems with himself. That's why people are abusive. He was striking out at you and trying to hurt you with his comments and the more you continue to hate the more successful his attack on you was. Give up the hate, toss it into the sea, do this in mental imagery every time it comes upon you. Visualize it and visualize yourself tossing it and it flying high into the sky and landing in the middle of the sea and sinking to the bottom.

Answer 2

Therapy. Being the jerk you know he is, he is NEVER going to do anything to change how you feel. So YOU will have to do something about it. Tell your doctor how you feel, and ask him/her to refer you to a therapist or counselor that can help you find strategies to deal with these feelings before they rip you apart. It will make a really big difference (and if it doesn't, then try a different counselor, as they are not all the same).

I'm really sorry to hear you had to go through all of this alone. That is very rough and unfair. But it sounds like you've made some great strides since then! If it makes you feel better, I'd be willing to bet that he is not really father (or husband) of the year that he pretends to be. People can change... but they rarely do. But that's neither here nor there. Work at making your own life better, and nothing he does will matter. You can start with that trip to the doctor! Good luck!

Answer 3

You just need to get over the fact that he's not going to be a good person. He's not going to wake up tomorrow and say, I think I am going to be nice and actually give a damn about anything. SO. NEXT STEP, get some psycological help. Talking to a therapist might help you work out your anger issues with this man, and also help you deal with the death of your daughter? Are you married now?? Have you tried having more children?? All of these things might help you heal. Good luck, and I am sorry for your loss.

Answer 4

People make mistakes all the time. He's obviously made a few and probably feels awful about it. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to forget. Try to accept that he made a mistake. What is the disliking bringing to your life? Anything good? I guess not. I know it's hard to forgive, but when you do, you give the problem back to him and relieve yourself of the problem. You have more important things to think about, I'm sure. Choose to focus your energy somewhere else. Noone is winning right now. Good luck.

Answer 5

I feel for you...

I can't even imagine going through what you did, especially alone...

The sad fact is that we can't make anyone do anything, even if it is the right thing...and everyone deals with grief and guilt in different ways.

It may be that he feels so bad about what he did, that he can't face the past, and so may be making up for it by being the best dad for this other girl...and he may feel like a real jackass so he just can't face you...maybe he is just embarrassed about it and cannot admit to the fact of being wrong, especially to you...

The fact is you will never know until he tells you, but if and when that happens, it is up to him...you can't make him do anything.

But being angry with him, and hating him for past things is not harming him, but you...because it isn't affecting him, but it is definitely hurting you. The point is that, and you may have heard this before, but the only person you can control is you. Forget about him...why are you even taking the time to keep up with his current events...you are better off without him anyway.

Have you gotten any grief counseling? Have you joined or thought about joining a support group who have lost infants? Get together with other people who have lived through similar circumstances...I believe you still have a lot of anger and loss issues, and they aren't all about your ex...it is about your baby too...all the why's. Why her, why you...

This is a good first step...taking the time to share your story here...but most of us haven't experienced a stillbirth and simply don't know how to relate. I have a 5 year old, I don't know what I would do if I ever lost her...

You have to forgive for yourself...screw him, it isn't about him...it is about you, your mental health, your physical health, it is about you being totally there for your surviving child. One minute you waste on being angry with you ex takes one minute from you and your child...and you ex does not even deserve that.

Take care of yourself...do what is right and good for you.

Answer 6

I`m sorry for your lost.Some people can be very evil ,so it doesn`t mean that there is something wrong with you why he father`s another child now and didn`t care about your own.The thing is that he is wicked.A person like that only cares about themselves and love hurting others.My dad wanted my mom to have an abortion and he didn`t come to the hospital when she give birth to my sister even though they were still together.He also cheat on her at the time.There is a better man out there for you.The one who would treat you like a queen.I don`t forgive my parents so its a bit hard to give advice.The best thing to do is get him out of your mind,if you need help doing so you should see a counselor.I`m seeing one for my troubles.God bless you and your daughter:)
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Yah that made me angry too.My dad poop up every 3 years or so and he didn`t even apologize.

Answer 7

To be honest with you I don't think that I would be able to but if that's what you want to do, I would suggest that you kill him with kindness. Remember what you do to others will always come back to haunt you and the way that he will suffer may be worst. God do things for reasons and he knew that your baby wouldn't be in a good situation with a person like that as a father so he took her under his wing to a better place. Don't worry about that dude trust me, what he has done will come back on him. Just keep your head up and don't let people with negative energy like that bring you down.

Answer 8

You have to just believe that he is in possession of demons. He is paying and will pay for all his evil-doings one day, rest assured, and it will be far worse than anything he could get here, by you or the law. Trust in that.

As for yourself, the responsibility is up to you now. You have to realize that you will (probably) never get closure for his actions. So you need to put a place-marker here and simply let it go. You will never forget, but you can forgive.

You're right, keeping this inside you will do nothing but perpetuate his poison. It has ruined his life (essentially), and you are allowing it to ruin yours and your other child's life. Your poison becomes their poison.

We all have to let go of pain and injustices in our lives. Hard as it is to do, it must be done otherwise we are prisoners for as long as we hold on to it.

My recent ex gf held on (I think) to every injustice she ever had in her life. Ultimately I paid for all that too, just being with her. The angry, hostility and hatred came out and ruined our relationship.

It's no different. She would not admit to, let alone let any of it go, but at least you realize what is happening and can cut this darkness loose from your life and move on.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 9

You have buried your daughter which is painful and you havent forgotten. Now bury your ex and forget it. If he wasnt moved by the death of his own daughter and said I'm glad she died, then you have no need to worry about him at all. He isnt going to change and you spending time disliking him or even thinking about him at all is giving him far more credit than he deserves. He will get what is coming to him so dont you worry about it. Now forget he exsisted and spend your time thinking about far more important things.

Answer 10

Your hate & frustration seems justified, but not anymore! You need to stop this now, because like you said its consuming you. More than hate sounds like frustration over something that you have no control of. You have no control over his feelings & actions, all that you can do is control your own actions, and you did, you chose to have your daughter, and you did whatever you had to do with her, You didn't fail to her, he did. LET it go, is his fault not yours, remember that time & life puts everything & everyone where they need to be, and even when he seems happy now, one day he will think about his actions and he will be sorry for them. Move on with your life, pray! prayer helps by hating him and being so frustrated you are only hurting yourself, he may not even think about it. I think that you were so brave! now, be brave once more, and take these negative feelings out of your heart. Be proud of yourself! and God Bless You