Am I being unreasonable?

Question

My husband has been receiving texts and calls from another woman whom I do not know, he said he met her when he was working in England about 6 years ago and they kept in touch. He has also been texting and phoning her when Im not around. He hides his phone or turns it off when I know she has been in contact. He will not let me answer the phone to her or see any of the texts - they are deleted immediately. He doesnt have her number stored on his phone. He says she is just a friend, but this is torturing me, I have asked him to tell her not to contact him again - to choose me over her but it never lasts long and she always comes back on the scene. It is starting to destroy our marriage. I know I have a jealous streak but he knew that when he married me 10 years ago - Am I being unreasonable in asking him not to contact her? Would other women put up with it?

Answer 1

Why is he being so secretive if the relationship is as innocent as he says ?

Answer 2

It is obvious that your husband is hiding something and quite probably an affair. I don't think that anybody would put up with something like that, be it men or women.
He is taking you for granted and thinks that he can have his cake and eat it with your blessing.
If he really valued your relationship, he wouldn't let this lady whoever she is come between you, specially if she's a friend.
Should she be a friend, you should have been able to know her name, and possibly meet her one way or the other if she is so much in contact with your husband.
It is decision time here and it's your call.
How long are you going to put up with this?
Of course I am not saying just get a divorce, but surely there are things you can do to make sure that your husband does take you seriously and respects you more, otherwise, it's not much of a marriage!

Answer 3

He's your husband. You have EVERY right to expect him to choose you over this other woman. If his relationship with this other woman was innocent, why is he working so hard to hide it from you? If she was just a friend, wouldn't he have her number programmed in his phone? Wouldn't he tell you more about her? I've had overseas friends who were just that....friends. I've always told my fiance about them all, even let him talk to them if he wants. I have nothing to hide because I'm not doing anything wrong. Sounds like your husband has a lot to hide and I'm very sorry to have to say that, but it's true.

If you want to catch the number of this chick, get the cell phone records mailed to you. The number should be on there somewhere. Many companies let you view your bill online too. You're his wife, so even if he has a separate carrier than you do, you can request these records be sent to the address on the account. It SHOULD be your address, shouldn't it? If it is, you can also prepare for its arrival by having the post office hold your mail for you for a short period. Yes, you'll have to go down there and pick it up everyday until the bill arrives, but you should be able to do it. You have all of your husbands info like SS#, birthdate, etc. You will probably know all you need to in order to bypass any safety blocks he has thrown up to prevent your finding out anything about this woman. You might also want to hire an investigator via Internet to find out more about her if you can. There are a few online that you can hire who live in England.

The basic thing is, you have a right to expect fidelity from your husband. If he's hiding something, its because he knows you won't like what he's hiding.

Answer 4

That's not jealousy. Jealousy is when you're walking down the street with your man, he turns his head to glance at another female walking by, and you bang him over the head with your purse. What you're feeling about your hubby and his "friend" is a totally normal emotion. Its not right that he talks to someone and makes it a point to let you know that the "friend" is none of your business. The fact that he hides it from you (deleting texts, hiding his phone) makes it look wrong and deceitful. You have some options. You can (a) tell him that since he's got this great "friend" he talks to all the time, you're going to find you a good "friend" to text and talk to also. (b) you can put your foot down and tell him that if he can't include you in his friendship with this girl, then obviously he's into her more than he's letting on, and you're not going to stand for it. If he sees that you're serious, he'll either decide its not worth his marriage, or he'll decide that he wants her more than he wants you. Tough to hear, I know, but that's the way I see it.

Answer 5

From what you have written I would have to say that the husband is definitely in the wrong in this situation.

Yes, in my opinion it is ok to have friends that are the same sex in marriage as long as you are totally open about it and there is no intimacy to the relationship.

The husband in this case is being sneaky about their so called friendship in several ways. He did not tell his wife about their friendship in the first place and even after 6 years he said nothing about her, he hides is phone and her number is not in there (maybe he does not want his wife to have the number and call her), he is deleting text messages and not letting his wife see his phone, and he only calls her when his wife is not around.

I am sorry, as hurtful as it is, your husband is behaving in a completely unacceptable way with total disregard for your feelings. If there was nothing going on with this women there is no way he would jeopardise his marriage by keeping up contact with her. Why would he risk that just for a casual friendship? Sorry, I am not trying to make you feel worse, just giving you my opinion from an impartial view.

You have to ask yourself why he is being sneaky about this friendship and why he has never mentioned her in 6 years. If it was just a normal friendship and he was totally open about it then that would be fine but these circumstance sound suspicious and you are definitely not being unreasonable.

This is just my opinion though based on what you have written.

Answer 6

His behavior is not appropriate. He knows how you feel but he keeps doing it. If he has nothing to hide then he would at least let you talk to her on the phone. From what you have said it does sound like something more other than friendship might be happening between them. Do you even know for sure that she is from England? If you have been married for 10 years then I would not put up with this another second. Tell him how you feel and then tell him that either he stops or you will get the divorce papers. He's totally ignoring your feelings and that is not healthy for you.

Answer 7

first of all..... I have to comment on the guy who calls himself "baby Jesus"
YOU ARE A LOOOOOOSSSSSEEERRRR!!! DUSGUSTING FRICKIN PIG!!!! I HOPE YOU CATCH A DISEASE THAT MAKES YOUR PUNEY PENIS FALL OFF!



NOW........... to the matter at hand......
you are totally not being unreasonable.. married men have no business texting and calling other women secretly... If i were you, I would switch the SIMS card on his phone with yours (and hope he doesnt realize it) this way when she calls or texts, you will get the call..... OR have his calls fowarded to your phone.. you may be able to do that determining which service you use.. If he is hiding the texts and phone calls it is because he is guilty of something! I am sure she is not just a friend... be careful and i hope it all works out for you.
ohhhh you can also call your cell phone company and ask them to send you a detailed phone bill... that should include all calls going out and all calls coming in as well as the texts in and out.. they will not show the content of the texts but they will show the # the text came from, the # the text went to, and the date and time. good luck!!

Answer 8

hmmm, creepy! I am on and off with a guy I met in England about 6 years ago. Whilst we were off, for about a 2 weeks, he asked me not to contact him cause his girlfriend kept trying to read his messages! He is divorced and has 2 kids. Probably just a coincidence right? just to be sure has your husband been to Russia? I don't think your are being unreasonable though, in a marriage it is important to have clear and unambiguous interaction that leaves no space for confusion or assumption. It is certainly reckoning time with your husband!! all the best

Answer 9

If he's contacting her, say, once every 2 or 3 weeks, then you're being a little paranoid and unreasonable. If it's more than once a week or every day, then you are being entirely fair and there's most likely something going on - not necessarily between him and this woman, but between you and him! Is he trying to assert his independence because he feels like you're being controlling? Is he bored and disatisfied and stuck in a rut, and trying to broaden his horizons? Or is he trying to get at you for something else that he's upset about but can't/won't discuss with you? Does he even know why he is doing it other than in some way it makes him feel better? Any which way, if he is being relatively open about the fact that he's in touch with her, even if he's not showing you the actual messages, then it's likely nothing is going on between them. You need to try and get over the base jealousy and get to the root of what's really going on with the two of you, and what you both need out of your relationship that you're not quite getting at present. It isn't necessarily going to be an easy set of conversations to have, but it sounds as though you need to. As always, honest communication between you and each taking the time to understand yourselves too are the key - isn't that all easier said than done! But don't let jealousy and mind games ruin your marriage. Good luck! Hx

Answer 10

Let's see... to sum it up. You two have been married 10 years. 4 years in he went to England without you and met a woman whom he keeps in contact with 6 years later, and does not stop even knowing that this bothers and annoys you (maybe something even stronger). You are supposed to be his life mate, and he is choosing to share intimacy with another woman over your wishes. No, you are not unreasonable in the least. I would never have let it go on so long.

Answer 11

Sounds like your jealousy is destroying you and your relationship. If this woman is in England, all they can have is text and telephone conversations. If he has had a relationship with her it is not happening now. Do you really want to end your relationship for a few silly phone calls and texts. .He will get bored and she will find some one else. I would back off and tell him that you have decided that you dont mind if he contacts her as you have realised that they are just friends and perhaps one day you could meet her. This will ofcourse will kill you inside, but just watch what happens. You are currently pushing him away, and you need to pull him back in. Try reading Men are from Mars woman from Venus. Dont be over loved up, but be really nice to him, keep a cool head and dont let this minx steel your man