Any mothers gain their new baby but lose their husband? (not in death)?

Question

My baby girl is 4weeks old. At first I thought I might have post partum or the beginnings of it. But when I realised that I wished I had post partum to get sympathy from my husband. I finally realised it was my husband who is the problem.
He has always had a short fuse but now, I dont know him anymore. Out of the few hours I see him each day when he is home. He might be sweet and playful for half an hour. Distant for 2, cold for another 2 and then just horribly, horribly nasty for another 2. Even though I love my daughter more than anything in this world and I will never ever begrudge her for it... I see her higher in his eyes. But even then.... when he is sleeping and she just wont settle and is grizzly and keeps spitting out the dummy and crying for it again, he gets so angry and crazy that I whisk the baby away and run downstairs with her. I cant believe he would do something to her, but he scares me.
He used to be my beautiful husband. What should I do?

Answer 1

To some extent, all marriages are effected when a baby comes. You've gone from being each others' one and only to being mommy and daddy of a COMPLETELY dependant person who demands all of your time, thoughts, energy and attention.

Sit down and talk, reasonably. I don't think you should completely rule out postpartum depression (classically, realizing the problem does not lie within us, but in the other person, is what people with depression, either postpartum or otherwise, say). I'm not saying you do have postpartum depression, but at least be open to considering that maybe you BOTH are having some problems and are BOTH upset at each other.

Tell him, in as non-confrontational manner as you can, how you're feeling about all this. Do what you can to keep from getting his defenses riled up, because that's the point when the conversation will go nowhere, and will need to be picked up at a later time.

It could be he's resentful of the baby, and the attention the baby gets from you. It could be the stresses of being a daddy, bringing home a paycheck to care for THREE people instead of two (or kind of less then that, if you worked) are too much for him. It could be he's not good around babies (I'm not, I got moody when my little boys were babies, and it wasn't really until they slept through the night and were walking and talking that I really ENJOYED them.) If you are in your pajamas at the end of the day when he gets home, he could be getting annoyed by the fact that you don't work on yourself anymore (men are visual creatures, and even if you're extremely busy or tired or whatever, making sure you're in jeans and a shirt and your hair is combed can make a difference).

If you can get him to vocalize what's going on with him, put forth an effort to set things right (both of you). If he's exhausted at the end of the work day, and the second his foot crosses the threshold you're handing him a crying baby, for example, try to hold off an extra thirty minutes so he can change clothes and have a few minutes to breathe before taking over for you for a little bit. If it's the physical appearance thing, make the ten-minute effort to spruce up before he gets home.

At the same time, tell him it really bothers you that he just loses it. If your'e doing your part to make things better for him, he needs to return the favor, starting with controlling himself. Ask that instead of going playful-distant-cold-nasty for some reason you have no idea about, he tell you so you can work to set things right.

Having a baby is hard, and there are going to be problems, especially in the beginning. It's at this point that you need to start working together so that you two and the baby are ALL taken care of.

Good luck to you!

Answer 2

Sit down with your husband - read this "question" that you wrote to him and ask him "What should I do?" Maybe he's not aware of how he's acting. You both are probably not getting the sleep you used to and adjusting to a new baby takes time. Play with your baby together and make sure you both make time for each other (even if it's watching a movie and eating pizza at home when the baby is asleep and having little talks in bed before you go to sleep). Good luck!

Answer 3

Talk to him. He might be a bit resentful of your attention all going to the new baby (congratulations, by the way) and not sure of how to deal with his feelings.
Perhaps you are right about the post natal depression thing- but consider that he, not you, has it- it's more common than you realise for men to get a version of post natal depression. Perhaps encourage him to see a doctor.
If communicating face to face is out of the question, then send him an email, or write him a note, just make him aware that you need him to stop behaving like a baby!

Answer 4

You're worrying me, honey. I'm thinking from your description that your husband might be abusive. Please look at your relationship honestly and think hard about whether to continue on with him or not. Running from your husband every night to protect yourself and your child is not good. Find someone you trust to talk to about this.