Im reading a handful of peoms i have been sent. Id like to hear your input on this one.?

Question

I sit in a silent park
i watch as the dark grey clouds as they
promenaded in the sky that soars above me.
i sit in question of myself.
This nature of the day has set disheartened mood,
and yet it, even as a form of nature
has been able to take control over
my each thought and admonition.

The sky continues hovering over the
life in which i have simply been exposed to.

I have been left alone this time for i sit
and envision what was, what could be,
and what is mine.

Down the rain falls
draining through my mind,
it slowly seeps through my soul.
its endeavoring attempt to drown
my life, my love and whatever is left
of me. It is over powering my every conception
and feeling that comes to mind.

I am frozen in this state and failing
my obligation to find the place in which
where i would like to be.
I hold on to my will to move on
as it longs to be gone.

And the minutes pass by
an hour at a time
as i watch the dark grey skies
pass on by.

im reading over some poems people have asked me to read
and since im a user on this site they had asked me to find out true opinions on their writing. be hoenst! thank you=]

Answer 1

I see what the poet was trying to convey, but they need to do some serious editing. For example, "i watch as the dark grey clouds as they"...stop right there..."as the dark grey clouds" cannot be followed by "as they"...it's one or the other, either "I watch dark grey clouds as they" or "I watch as the dark grey clouds", but not both.

Then, "promenaded in the sky that soars above me." The poet should have used "present tense" for "promenade", not the past tense "promenaded"...which I'm not sure is even a word. And...the "sky" cannot "soar"... clouds can soar, but a sky...and if they were in the middle of a promanade...they would not have soared. Again, one or the other, but not both.

"This nature of the day has set disheartened mood,"...no, maybe, "the nature of the day has set a disheartened mood", but not "this nature."

"and yet it, even as a form of nature
has been able to take control over
my each thought and admonition."??? where is the rest of the sentence? When you say "even as" you need to complete the concept...it's like saying, "if I go to the store at 3PM"...okay, I got the "if"...where's the "then"? Same applies to "as" as it was used in the sentence in question.

And that's just the first stanza. The rest of the poem continues that way. It's not that it lacks vision, but that it has confused vision, or some sort of "double vision." The author needs to sit down and disect the poem just as I've done above and after editing, send it back to you for another review.

Finally..."as I watch grey skies pass on by"...clouds...clouds...not sky passing by.

Have them keep writing...I can hear the images begging for a voice.

Answer 2

I feel badly for the person who wrote this. The writer is feeling overwhelmed and is struggling to move forward rather than let go or give up.

Unfortunately, while I can empathize with the writer, the poem itself is mediocre. What is expressed is redundant, grammatically awkward at times and lacks any fresh imagery to bring insight to this well worn topic of alienation.

On the bright side, lots of good poets go through these kind of funk-like malaise and it doesn't mean the writer won't produce something better. This just isn't it.

Answer 3

i miss days like that... that numb, contemplatory feeling; dripping hair; staring off into the ether, thinking a million things and nothing all together... beautiful. thank the poet for me.

EDIT: Charley M- this poem is not self indulgent! just because this piece does not conform to your idea of what poetry is, does not make it less beautiful or self indulgent. if it were self indulgent it would not be a contemplative "moment" but a "poor me, i want to cut myself" clone of every emo poem on this site! Your comment is based on your preference which does not dictate quality.

Answer 4

IMHO (in my humble opinion), this poem needs more work. The essence of poetry is to convey the poet's observations, thoughts, feelings, and ideas in the best choice of words.

I find the poem very self-indulgent, but this is not uncommon in some poetry. I prefer poetry that starts with observation, but goes on to feelings and ideas. Arnold's Dover Beach is an example of what I mean. Or cummings' "paris, this april sunset..."

Answer 5

I really like this poem, good writingand it mad me very sad really captured depression

Answer 6

I like it. Though it seems sad and the person in it is feeling lost.

Answer 7

it is really good.