When she was 15, she was irresponsible and we were harsh, though she was really sorry. Our words broke her spirit and for 3 months she suffered hard consequences. She became a very responsible teen, but for the next 3 years she lived with us she was always sad, resentful, depressed. She never felt as part of the family again. At first we told her she had just suffered the consequences of her actions, had to get over and didn't coddle her. Hubby didn't change his attitude, but I got worried w/ that behavior and tried unsuccessufuly to comfort her. I only caused more pain, so I sent her to counseling but didn't work. She went to college, we both missed her bad but realized she was much happier from us. Today she lives on her on, is doing great on her job but since graduation we could hardly talk to her. Yesterday we finally talked. She relived those days and cried a lot, her pain shocked us. She said she can't have a relationship w/ us. Her mistake was to leave her 7 yo bro alone for 20 min when she was in charge of him to talk w/ friends. He was run over by a car, though had no severe injure. He never blamed her, they love each other.
2007-07-23 17:05:23 · 6 answers · asked by Melissa 1 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Ask your daughter why she can't have a relationship with you. Sounds like she is still feeling guilty and that she thinks you still blame her. Assure her this is not so. If you feel now you could have handled the situation better back then, tell her so. Ask her to forgive you. Asking forgiveness removes a barrier between people faster than any other words. Reassure her of your love and acceptance of her. Continue to have contact with her, whatever she will allow, to keep the door open. Send her cute little 'Thinking of You' cards, emails, cookies.....
Give her time to process all of this, to come to terms with you as an adult ( with her as an adult).. She still needs her mom.
2007-07-24 07:02:22 · answer #1 · answered by ohio gal 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Now that you are talking it is a step forward and not a step backwards - so that's a plus. The fact that her brother doesn't blame her assists in the situation also. However, no one can turn back the hands of time and change how they reacted to the incident. Her guilt of her brother being run over would have been punishment enough, as by the age of 15 she would have realised that it was her actions which helped in her brother being run over. I would try talking to her again and say that you would like to rebuild your relationship with her - it will take a while and you will probably need to be persistant. Explain to her why you reacted the way you did and that if it was the other way round (her brother left her alone for 20 mins) then you would have reacted the same - at the end of the day you love your children and would do anything to protect them. Maybe try going to counselling together.
2016-05-17 04:42:30 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You were wrong in the way that you handled the situation. You should ask her to e-mail with you once a week and let that be for now. Share family happenings and ask politely about her life, but otherwise let her set the pace for any future discussions of that time, not you. Reality is your son at 7 was still your responsibility as a parent and at 15 she needed to still be a kid not his babysitter--then you heaped guilt on her for being the kid that she was when she wasn't reaction to the situation as an adult.
2007-07-23 17:23:10 · answer #3 · answered by K B 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
She's holding you responsible for resentment she has for herself. She's an adult now, and it is her decision to take care of this. But until she resolves the situation by forgiving herself, you won't be able to move forward.
2007-07-23 17:45:30 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
It is obvious to me that there is something she is holding on to and she isn't letting go of. (Resentment, due to bitter feelings.) I would ask her to go to a family therapist and try to mend this relationship with your child. No matter how old they are they are always your babies, and you won't stop loving them!
Take her out to lunch and keep it simple at first. Ask her if she would consider counseling with you, or alone. Mothers keep their families together. They are the peace keepers of the family!
2007-07-23 17:13:05 · answer #5 · answered by SDC 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Nothing works now through normal
discussions.
Practice meditation and Yoga; you
will see the effect for yourself.
2007-07-23 17:17:11 · answer #6 · answered by d_r_siva 7 · 0⤊ 3⤋