My second poem, any thoughts?

Question

Mourning

A child lost
Dead?
Gone.

And she wept.
Her raincoat was green the first years,
turned to a kind of army khaki after four
or so.

She rocked in a chair "he" had bought her
It was a mother's day gift
She never left again.

The food her husband
the other children
fed her
dripped in mosaics about the muddy cloth.

He is gone.

But mother, there are five here.

He is gone.

They bathed her feet.
Dad changed the pans.

But mother.

Five, left motherless,
because one was taken.

The rocker knew them both,
him, the firstborn and her,
as she rocked him back to life,
her life.

The home knew no one
as life rocked them from their source.

He had lain on the freeway,
thrown from the back of a pick-up,
and he would still have been there,
had she not taken him in her arms,
and rocked him for life's eternity,
but
how to understand that.

He had long been gone,
when they put her to rest,
and they say
the others, too.

Left to gone.

EJ is right, folks. This is the bare bones for a poem. I shouldn't have posted so quickly; just had beginners' luck on my first one, so I guess I got cocky! (lol)

Oh, and NO EXCUSE, but I had a longer ending, and it didn't FIT!!!!
Duh!

Answer 1

Here, Des:

Eye looked

saw broken
a child who
once was
but not metaphors
gossamer images or
questionable intangible symbols
but a heartbeat
bone hard with flesh
that knew hunger & thirst
desire & the burst of pomegranetes
in the heat of summers
Eye blinked

became ashes & stardust
& tan glistened skin
in sand castles of puzzles
& bee stings
in the roar of oceans
made of laughter
whose only eternity
was a rain puddle
to be splashed for the splashing
whose only understanding
was sunrise for the rising
& the school bell for recess
or over
the colored snow ice & carnival
of ferriswheels & fireflies
& crickets filliing pockets
ladybugs & marbles & mountains of chocolate
Eye closed

for a nap
Eye dreamed
back to life &
found hope to arrive
#

Answer 2

Touching but I had trouble with some parts: 'A child lost
Dead?
Gone.'

'
The home knew no one
as life rocked them from their source.'

'He had long been gone,
when they put her to rest,
and they say
the others, too.

Left to gone.'

I think there is more to the story you could use to lengthen the work and spell out the details with more prose, and descriptive injecting more sensuousness or vivaciousness, Perhaps a gods view method for describing inner personal experiences for the individuals. Well, that should multiply your work load tens times more. It certainly is of tragedy, that is squarely obvious. I am a simpleton advocate for the imaginatively impaired. Speaking for my self, of course.

Answer 3

the poem is sturdy, an spectacular theory positioned into it. i think of that the form could have been extra suited. One could say that a poem could be in any form n stuff, yet whilst a poem is split into properly defined stanzas and has a strict rhyme scheme then extra human beings choose to study it. The poem in accordance to me is spectacular, n of direction thank you to flow...

Answer 4

I think you have made a big effort here and well done. But it's abit too long and would be more powerful if it was cut down shorter. Best of luck

Answer 5

Wow how'd you come up with that, you can only write a poem when you realy feel somthing, I wish I could write like that, it was very good!

Answer 6

you lost me on the freeway- but a beautiful sad tale of a mother's loss

Answer 7

Good job, i really liked it. I got into it!

Answer 8

that's a tearjerker.
very nicely done.