teenage daughter who is testing me!!?

Question

I have a 14 yr old step daughter who is here for the summer. She insists on testing me on everything. My husband works 2 jobs so I am home most of the time w/them by myself. It's ridiculous! She said she wanted BBQ beans when we went to KFC and now she won't eat them (none us eat them). I gave her some and told her she had to eat them before she could get up. It has now been 2 hours and she is literally refusing to eat them and still sitting in the same spot! I am so freaking frustrated!!!

it isn't just this one thing! she refuses to do anything that she should do. but as soon as her dad walks in the door its another story or the tears come out and he lets her out of it. i am not a new step mom, going on 7 yrs w/her now. why is this still happening and what do i do?

Answer 1

How long have you and her father been married? It could be that she is intimidated by you. Often adolescents feel like anyone new in their parents lives are threatening something in their life. She could feel as though you are trying to take her father away from her.

Depending on her age however this is just a normal phase. Testing authority and testing the boundaries of adult hood. It's all a part of developing their own identities. It's not fun but it's also very normal.

The fact that she's your stepdaughter also makes things a little more difficult on you than if she was your own. Patience is the key...but only in moderation!! You also can't let her get her way (Which I am sure you are aware of).

Feel free to email if you want more specific information, I'm a psychology major and have studied adolescents.

Answer 2

Let her sit there.

She's not a little kid, and she shouldn't have to throw a fit or be overly dramatic about bbq beans.

However, something to take into consideration- she might be upset about the fact that you are her stepmother. I doubt she's just doing this to test you, it could probably have a lot to do with attention, jealousy, and just plain hurt- divorce doesn't just effect the parents, and the effects are long term. It isn't your fault that her parents decided to not stay together, but unfortunately you're an easy target because chances are she doesn't want to point blame at her parents because that would make them human.

Also, it'd be wise to calm down about it, afterall they're just beans. The fact that they are just beans doesn't excuse her for misbehaving, but knowing that it's probably not a malicious attack against you by not eating them, you should voice the fact that you are an authority in her life, maybe not a parent, but an adult.

Answer 3

I come from a different side on this. I technically have a step mother but I would never call her that. My dad cheated with her on my actual mother. I'm not fond of her. She isn't my mom and will never be anymore to me than just a person who commited adultry.

I don't know the reasoning behind your step-daughters actions but you might want to look at what could be making her be this way. I like it when Delia (her name) just barely kinda talks to me every once in a while and I'm good with that but I don't want more from her. The whole divorce thing I didn't mind because no marriage lasts but it took me away from where I was.

We had moved for my dad to cheat with this chick and after I had a school year of where I was I had to move back. So it ruined any chances of good friends and any chances of this awsome school I would have been going too.

From then on I never cared for this person who ruined my chances with a new start at school. There were other reasons but now we know that the other one isn't fond of the other and it's an unspoken mutual agreement that we just don't deal with each other unless we have to.

I don't hate her and I'm not a rebelious person but I just would never hold her in the same respects as my real mother. I doubt even if you talk with her she would listen or even respond in the least. If she's still at the table just ignore her. Or even better look at her and just say fine don't eat them we don't have to go out to eat anymore. And let her go. If you get mad she probably gets a kick out of it and will keep it up til daddy gets home.

I'd suggest doing that and just not acknowledging her bad behavior. Maybe eventually you could get your husband to ask her why she won't co-operate and the problem could be adjusted from there. I'm sorry I can't give a full on answer cause I'm only a 15 year old so I'm betting it isn't what your looking for but I'm not here out of personal gain so thats my opinion on the subject. I really hope something helps with her eventually. It's never good to get a rebelious teen...

Answer 4

You cant change people. You cant make them do things either. Tell her you wont be waisting your money anymore, and tell her to go to bed. Maybe, Let her buy her own food and make it.

You are in a hard spot. I have a 11 year old step daughter every other week, and she try's to test already. I offer what I cook for dinner and say that there is not going to be anything else for the rest of the night if she says she doesnt want it. It gives her the feeling of controlling of her body, not trying to break your spirit. She cant control a lot of stuff in her life, so she is trying to get some kind of order for herself. Even if its in a bad way. Try killing it with kindness. Remember you are not her mom, try being a role model. Dont punish her, that is her parents job. she will resent you more if you do that. Make sure Dad has set down the rules for her to follow.

Answer 5

I know your frustrated. It's hard enough to discipline the children that you have given birth to. How do you do this with your husbands daughter and still keep the peace. You don't want to be a "tattle tail" (from her perspective), and you don't want to feel like she is walking all over you.

But think of it from her side too. Her parents are divorced...her Dad has a new life with YOU. Now she has to spend the summer with YOU, because her Dad can't or won't take any time off to spend with her.

Does you husband talk to his ex-wife at all? Can they talk to her? Can you and she talk civilly? If all of you can talk, the daughter will know that she has to behave better.

My brother is divorced, and I'm always so impressed on how they all work as a team for the benefit of their son. They all go out to breakfast every Sunday, and he knows that he can't pull anything on them. Because they will all talk about it over breakfast and hold him accountable.

Answer 6

Don't let her frusterate you. This is what teenagers thrive on. If she is 14 years old and doesn't want to eat, then don't make her. Just take away some other privilage, and next time, remember to pass on the beans.

Every time she tests you, walk away, let her rant. Then come back when she has finished, and lay down the law. She'll listen better after she has blown off some steam. And if she doesn't, theres always confining her to the house.

Answer 7

You're her step mom. Of course she's gonna be a brat. You're not her real mom, she doesn't want to respect you, she doesn't like seeing her dad with anyone but her biological mom. Now some woman is living with her dad, doing lord knows what. Do you think that's easy? Sad but true, stepchildren will always be like this.
You trying to take control of a teenage girl won't do ****, I can promise you that.

Answer 8

Instead of forcing her to eat them, ask her why isn't she eating them? She may be too full. She may want to eat them later. Communication is the key!

There's no need to compete for power. You're the adult, you rule. Just talk to her like she's a young adult, instead of a little kid, and I bet you'll get a better response from her.

Additionally, she's already feeling sort of bad because Daddy is there with another woman (instead of Mom) and her (or their) kids. She feels like a fifth wheel except she's just trying to be tough and rebellious. . Go easy on her. If you put the beans in the fridge, they will still be good to eat tomorrow.

TO THE PERSON BELOW ME:
Beat her senseless for WHAT? Tell that to the freaking CPS. "I beat her senseless because she didn't eat her beans". I wouldn't trust children around someone who thinks like you.

Answer 9

It sounds like her father doesnt do much in the way of parenting, but is just there to be the neutral person between you two, instead of being her father. You need to have a talk with him and get him to back you whether he agrees with your parenting style or not. Step parenting is hard enough, but even harder when the natural parent isn't the one "parenting." You two need a united front. I think you would get more respect from his daughter if she knew her dad would agree with your punishments. I think you should send her to her room with nothing until the morning. She won't starve to death.

Answer 10

I understand, it's hard to be a step-parent. What I suggest you do is try to reason with her. If that doesn't work try an talk to your husband about and, have a "family talk." Every relationship need communication and compromise. And ya she maybe trying to push your buttons. But she still a kid...