Protect Me, I'm Fragile?

Question

Protect Me, I'm Fragile

Kiss me,
And tell me it will be okay.
Stop the blood,
And wipe away the tears.
Come into my life,
And never leave.
Promise me
To be here forever.
Be there
Every time I call your name.
Tell me you love me
And mean it.
Look past my faults
And see the good in me.
Hold my hand,
And walk with me.
Light my path,
And point me in the right direction.
Lay with me
And remain until I fall asleep.
Protect me,
And keep all of the bad away.
Observe me,
And make sure I don't stray too far.
Stay behind,
And catch me when I fall.
Break down with me
When I descend into your hands.
I don't want to
Feel so alone inside this world.
Can you find
The reason I feel so depressed?
Make it go away
And put my pain to rest.

Answer 1

I think the reason you "feel so depressed" is that you are writing very depressing poetry/ It is sensible and coherent but a major downer anyway.

Answer 2

Two parts...content and execution.

Content/context: Please don't take this the wrong way, but do you want a girlfriend or a mother/pet? You are a man, which means the last thing you should be is "needful". You should "provide" comfort, not demand it from another, especially a lover. To tell them to be there when you call...they are not a pet, not a dog, and I'm sure you didn't mean it to sound that way, but that's the way it came off.

Execution: You need to take a longer poem with short lines like this and find a way to lengthen the lines and lessen the number of lines. One way to do this would be to say, "Kiss me and tell me it will be okay" as one line instead of two, and do the same thing with all the other pairs of lines. That would speed up and smooth out the flow. Tone: you could say all the things you said and make them seem less needful, less demanding by softening the tone. You could have said, "Looking past my faults you see the good in me" and "You came into my life and promised you'd never leave" or "Can you come into my life and promise you'll never leave?" and "every time I call you, you are there" or "If I call, will you be there?" Can you hear the difference in context, the difference in tone?

The last few lines are really the point of your poem and actually could have stood alone as a poem all by themselves:

"When I descend into your hands
I don't want to feel so alone inside this world;
Can you find the reason I feel so depressed,
make it go away and put my pain to rest?"

All the rest is fluff compared to these last lines.

Shorten your poem and try to say more with less...focus on those last few lines, it is where all the power of your poem resides.

Answer 3

Where's the poetry, dude?
Could you describe something, give us an image, or perhaps a metaphor? Could you spice this up with some cool words, not the tired ones that every body on the emo planet uses, but some words with teeth, some words that CUT?

Whatcha been reading lately, dude? Any poetry?

Answer 4

Grow some self-esteem!

Relying on other people THAT much is just setting yourself up to be taken advantage of.

Unless you are writing about Jesus. But even then - ya gotta interact with real people in the real world.

Answer 5

love it. few words that it'd be cool if you changed-

...and never leave.
promise
to be here forever.

...keep all of the bad away.
watch me,
and make sure i don't stray too far.

...and catch me when i fall.
cry with me
when i fall into your hands.

...can you find
a reason for my feelings?

LOVE it though, it's good writing. it flows perfectly, with a wonderful rhythm.

Answer 6

Clearly a plea for help which I encourage you to seek very soon.

Answer 7

I really like it. It describes the emotion and agony of a lonely person very well.

Answer 8

Put a stamp on it and mail it. It's a letter, not a poem.

Answer 9

That was wonderful, I loved it.
and I think you want what everyone wants, you want someone to be there for you, love you, be your friend, help you out, make you smile.
but right now, you don't think anyone can do that for you.

:)
Kara

Answer 10

I wonder wher you got all those poem... but its really good...