I feel lost and miserable and need advice...?

Question

I have been married to my husband for 8 years now & I'm completely miserable. We have a 7 year old daughter together & I feel like she's the glue in our relationship. We co-parent better than anyone I know & we are very consistant with that. He's very selfish, sexually, & has crossed boundaries a couple of times when I had a little too much to drink. We've been to counseling & that didn't seem to work. We've grown apart &, lately, I've thrown myself into my work. We fight about that all the time (never in front of our daughter). He doesn't care about how he looks anymore & we never go out anymore. He says he loves me & he want to be with me but I don't have the same feelings. I care very deeply about him, he's the father of my child. But as far as having those warm, fuzzy feelings, I don't. We were at a family dinner Sat night & he made a joke at my expense (it humilliated me) after he knew I had a horrible day. I feel so lost everyday & it's affecting me everyday. What should I do?

Money has never been an issue. We either have it or we don't and we've always made the best of it. I have felt emotionally neglected an taken for granted for so long. I've been a wife and mother since my early 20's. I just want to be appreciated, you know? He always has a way of turning things around to suit his purposes when I bring up any feelings that I feel like I need to express.

My finances aren't an issue. I have a great career and I'm very good at what I do. I think he may have an issue with my career. He tries to "buy" my love and forgiveness for his poor judgement..

He seems like he'd rather read a book or watch tv than to pay any attn to me (unless it's for his sexual satisfaction). I don't understand why.. I'm 5'9" with blonde hair blue eyes, a nice tan and about 2% body fat. Why would he not want to go out with me or take me on dates? I can't tell you how often I get asked out or propositioned. Is it me or is it him? This whole situation is what made me not attracted to him anymore.

Answer 1

Beware of posters who just tell you to bail. The fact is that your marriage is at the 7 year itch where many marriages break. What you need to do is take a week vacation with each other away from family and friends and focus on each other. TALK IT OUT.

Answer 2

Tell him that you are 'lost and miserable' and things have got to change. Don't even threaten - just say that you two will have to give counseling another try and keep trying until you get it to work. You have been very articulate about what you think is going on in your marriage. He may not want to do it but he would have to be just as articulate about why things have started to deteriorate, in his opinion.
There are two sides to every story and I'll bet his side would be just as interesting. He may be tired. Reading and watching TV are escapes but they are also relaxing if you are stressed - and he may be stressed from whatever work he does.
Warm fuzzy feelings seem to be what you are after - and those come with romance and getting out more. He hasn't wanted to do that - it goes along with the picture I have that he is stressed.
I'm not trying to make excuses for him. He's got to deal with it. It's hurting your marriage.
He's getting sloppy and not caring so much for your feelings, too. Maybe you are right that he has some underlying envious feelings about your job success. Women snipe at each other for those reasons all the time - why would a husband be any different.
The thing is, when a man makes a 'joke at your expense', it can be humiliating because it comes as a surprise. Relationships do survive that - but you have to get him to talk about why he's even letting those feelings rise to the surface and come out in conversation. Tell him how much it hurts your feelings. Then tell him that counseling is the only way.
Counseling does take time. You also have to move and change counselors if you feel like one of you isn't being heard or your views aren't respected.
When people say they tried counseling and it didn't work, it's usually one of those two reasons - they didn't spend enough time (expected resolution to their problems quickly) or they spent too much time with a counselor who wasn't suited to them.
Good luck! You sound like you have a good life, your husband can be a jerk but he is your daughter's father and I'm pretty sure you can remember the good in him, too.

Answer 3

It's so easy to find alot of people willing to support you in whatever you do. I will try to make this short and sweet. It is only worth what is put into it. If you want it to work, do all that you can. Be the best wife, friend, and mother you can be. If you had to make a choice, would you take money or happiness? Counseling only works if you can be counceled. I know that there is always hope where there is someone willing to try. Don't make excuses for you or him. Yelling and argueing is better than silence. Write him a letter telling him how you feel, and wait 3 days to give it to him. Reread it and see if you still feel the same. Get "you " well spiritually, mentally and physically. Time away can make the heart grow fonder. You can be happy in a storm, knowing that the sun will shine tomorrow. I believe that love never fails and there are plenty of women glad they stuck it out, ask my wife.

Answer 4

I've felt the same way at many times (haven't most married people??). My response--buy a plane ticket and go visit family for a while, long enough that he'll miss you (and bring your daughter) and realize that he misses you.

And making a joke like that is completely unacceptable. I would tell him if he ever does that again he can expect to be sleeping outside on the concrete. Don't back down.

Maybe you need the time away also to realize what you do love about him still? If you realize that while you're away, you really enjoy being away, then begin to consider separating. It doesn't benefit kids to have married parents who are unhappy--they know, whether or not you fight in front of them.

Good luck--I hope you find something that works.

Answer 5

If you have tried everything & nothing has worked then it is time to move on. Even if you do not fight in front of your daughter she can sense the stress. Kids pick up on more than we think. It takes two to make a relationship work. If you do not have the same loving feelings for each other you are sitting on rock bottom. The two of you will always have a bond due to your daughter, but that doesn't mean keep a marriage together just because you have a child.

Answer 6

You need to get out of that relationship because its going to drive you crazy...you need someone that is going to appreciate ALL of you not just sexually and if its been 8 years and you are not receiving much back its time to move on to better things and i don't necessarily mean jump into another relationship just feel free, be yourself...don't worry about your daughter when she grows older and becomes a woman herself she will understand your reasons... i think she would rather have a happy mom than a bitter one and besides from what you say you are good co- parents so I'm sure you would still manage to be good parents even if you are apart.


What ever happens good luck and make sure that you're happy!...:)

Answer 7

I, personally, think that its over, just by reading your letter. If there is nothing there , there is nothing there. Don't let the fact you guys have a daughter be the glue. If you co-parent great go with that. Move on, don't let the relationship continuously tearing your soul apart. Get out now ! Your pride and dignity will always shine over humiliation and selfishness. You can be a friend to him for your daughters sake. If your fighting get out, arguing all the time, get out. I rather you be with your daughter in peace of mind than in the grave because you had a heart over him. not worth it ! Check with your local court house and see about getting free or next to free divorces. It will be worth your sanity!

Answer 8

Life is much too short to be miserable, and if you've already been thru counseling, I'd say you already know what you want, or better yet, what you DON'T want any more.

Do NOT stay with this man for the sake of your daughter. Living in a loveless home is not good for any child. And don't think they can't sense something is not right.

While I believe in the sanctity of marriage, this one may be beyond fixing. It happens, sadly, but it happens.

Both of you cut your losses, shake hands while you can still be civil to each other, and make new lives for yourselves. Just don't forget to be good parents to you daughter.

Good luck to you both.

Answer 9

I don't mean to put you down,but all I got from this is me,Me,ME. What about your daughter?If you divorce at the tender age of 7.Who do you think is going to hurt the most.All marriages go Thu this.You just adjust.Perhaps there is some thing wrong medically.Ask him to get a check up.You know the Warm,fuzzy feelings don't last forever,they grow into a different kind of love.You are putting to much value on looks.So,you are hot and men hit on you.They hit on me too,and I'm not hot.Hot does not make a strong marriage.Working on both of your problems does.I don't know,but it sounds like you want to be single and hot.

Answer 10

Just an opinion here, but at 8 years of marriage, this almost seems normal. People grow apart and ideas change and it looks like he resents your successful job. He is bored with regular sex and probably bored with you. I would not tolerate jokes at my expense. You need to set boundaries and tell him that you are just as tired of him as he is of you. Being the father of your child is not the only thing important in your marriage. Why not try a legal separation and counseling to see what you come up with together and then decide what to do.

Answer 11

I know exactly how you are feeling. I have been married for 10 years and have going through almost the exact same issues as you. In the past years I have tried to discuss the many problems we have in our realationship but he doesn't want to seem to listen. He knows now that he is in danger of losing me and so now he is acting all lovee dovee. I too, care deeply about my husband as well. He is the father of my children but I have lost alot of the feelings that I should have. I feel as though we have in time just grown apart and I am ready to go a separate direction.